Keep in mind that I'm new here and new to reviewing. :)
Be sure to break your story up into paragraphs. I broke it up where I thought was best. :) One thing I found, if you write in Microsoft Word, certain settings make your document seem like it has spaces between paragraphs, but when you Drag and Drop it here, those spaces disappear. I have two suggestions for that. One is to hit Enter twice on your Word document. It makes it look weird in Word, but it makes it transition fine (I think--again, I'm new). The other suggestion is what I did when I discovered my whole story was a giant paragraph. I edited it after bringing it to Writing.Com. However, the problem I discovered with that is that if the last sentence in a paragraph ends near the end of the line, you might not realize you were supposed to start a new paragraph unless you actually reread the whole story. Another option (besides rereading the whole story after you drop it over here) is to count paragraphs in your original piece to be sure you have the right number after editing here. Anyway, I actually entered a contest with it as 1 giant paragraph because I didn't realize my mistake and didn't have time to fix it. Don't be like me. lol
I wonder if either you aren't a native speaker or you are young. In general your writing is good, but there are a few grammar mistakes (mostly small words left out). (Maybe you just didn't proof read carefully. lol) I copied your whole piece here and inserted parenthesis ( ) where I made changes or had thoughts.
It was (a) hot summer day and I was swimming with my family. I was standing in the water when my mom (here you say MOM but later you say MUM--pick one ;) ) told me: "Hey, looks like someone has gained some weight."
"Wh-What?" I respond. (I like that response. lol)
"Look on (maybe use AT instead of ON?) your belly" she said.
I looked down. She was right. My belly (HAD--stick with past tense if you start that way) gotten flabby. It was hanging at least one inch over my straight swimwear. I (HADN'T) noticed that until (UNTIL has 1 L) now. I (HAD) gained at least 15 lbs. I touched my belly. It was kinda soft, but I was feeling better than when I was skinny.
On the way to home, we stopped at the fast food (RESTAURANT or PLACE or say WE STOPPED FOR FAST FOOD). I was really hungry. I had three burgers, (A) large cola and large fries. When (I) finished, I ordered one milkshake. It was so good.
When we arrived home, I checked the scale. It was showing 130 lbs. At my height, because I'm only 5'5, it was really noticeable. I was also 14 years old, brown hair and brown eyes. (Personally, I don't like the mention of brown hair and eyes here. It seems unnatural. We've already met Jake, so why are you describing him here? If you want to give a better picture of Jake, mention it sooner so it's more natural. Maybe you brush your brown bangs off your face to look at your stomach?) I went to my room to put on my black tight jeans. They were tight (you just said that), I didn't wear them for the whole summer, so I must have gained weight this summer. I didn't need to wear (A) belt. I went to the kitchen for some chips and chocolate. (Yummy! lol) I brought (THEM) into my room, sat on the sofa and started playing videogames, as I do every day.
(THE) next day, I was hanging out with my friend, Kyle. We are the same age. He has (an) athletic body, black hair and green eyes. (Since this story is about body shape, saying he's athletic seems fine, but again the hair and eye color seem forced. I think you can do better leaving them out.) He noticed my little weight gain. He touched my belly and said: "Jake, you weren't that soft before".
I told him about my little gain.
"That's cool, I think that you look great when you are soft" he said. (I like that your character's friend still accepts him.)
I was happy that he (LIKED) it, because I like it too.
We head to the fast food and we bought ourselves some food. (IN) the evening we were at my home, because he was sleeping at my home this night. We were eating pizza and playing video games. It was a great time.
The next morning, my mum (MUM or MOM) baked a cake for ( ) breakfast. I ate twice much cake as Kyle and my clothes got really tight. Then we went upstairs to my room and we sat down on my sofa. I took off my T-shirt to feel comfortable and Kyle noticed that I have three little fat rolls.
"Jake, you're getting fat".
"I know." I said, but I didn't care. Then Kyle took his T-shirt off too. My mum (I think maybe just change the top one to MUM :) ) brought us a dozen donuts. I offered (SOME or ONE) to Kyle, but he said, that he's not hungry so I ate them all. Then my favorite black jeans popped. We couldn't stop laughing. Then he started playing with my belly. I liked that.
At the end of summer holidays, I was 145 lbs. I thought, "What will my classmates say about my weight gain?" (Indeed...what will they say? lol)
I like that your character is comfortable with his body, though I don't want him to get TOO fat. It's not healthy. But it's also not healthy being obsessive about being thin. It's tricky. Nice story. It needs a little tightening up, but generally a good effort. :) |
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