At your request, here is your review.  Remember that this is my opinion and I'm not a professional reviewer. Take what you find useful and ignore the rest. 
I'm glad to see you filled out the genres! That makes it easier for people to find your items when they are looking for something along those lines. Also, if it gets nominated for a "The Quills"  , it can also be entered in one of the genre category as well.
I see you have no restrictions on your ratings. If that's been working for you, great! I know when I first joined, there were a couple of meanies who wouldn't give you any feedback. They'd just give you 2 stars and that's it. I'm not saying I deserved more, but don't give me 2 and not say why. I found it very frustrating and disheartening. If you have that happening to you, you can change to "Rating requires review." Almost all my stuff is set to that. I say "almost," because I'm sure I have some items from the beginning that aren't, but you get the idea.
I appreciate you telling us this is chapter 1. Did you know we have actual "books" that you can use for a book? Though if you plan to be super prolific, that might not work for you as you can't have unlimited book items, if I recall correctly. But a lot of folks use them for blogs. You can just write a chapter per "page" or entry, as the real term is. That way, when the person wants to go to the next chapter, they can just click the arrows. Though I hear that when you edit, it changes the date. Unlike an item, where you have an origination date and a date for the most recent update. I hear books don't have that, I think? I don't know for sure. I never edit much of anything.  Anyway, it's just a thought. Items are totally fine, but I would recommend you put all the chapters in the same folder and if you have trouble getting them to go in order, you can purposely arrange them.
I like that you mentioned you changed the name, in case anyone is keeping track. Cool. Does it need a period at the end of that sentence? Officially, yes. Unofficially, whatever.
When you are creating a dash, use 2 hyphens. In MS Word, they will automatically become a dash. Here, they don't. Though technically there is some code for a dash, if I recall. I have no idea what it is, though.  Just make 2 hyphens. That's the official way to make a dash when you can't otherwise do so. Also, I'm 90% sure you can put a space before and after or you can not, but I'm very sure you can't not do a space before and do a space after, which looks like what you might have done. lol Pick an option (or Google to see the right answer--I'm too tired tonight lol).
Great first paragraph! Very intriguing! I like it! I also like your chapter title here. It makes me look forward to the rest.
"Kids made fun of me and some forced me to do magic tricks, but only if they'd known I never did liked or was amused by magic." I find this sentence to be a bit problematic. First, she's teased and they "force" her to do magic, but then she says "...but only if they'd known I never did liked or was amused by magic." I think the kids would be mean to her, whether she liked magic or not. For that matter, if she liked it, she wouldn't be forced to and she probably wouldn't dislike the situation as much. Personally, I'd erase the the part after "magic tricks." Another option is to create another sentence. "I never did like magic." (I simplified it for flow.) Also, if you keep it like it is, that should be "like" instead of "liked." And it reads more naturally as "...if only they'd known..." instead of "...only if they'd known..." And why does she feel like time is of the essence? I thought that would be addressed in the next paragraph, but not really. Maybe she just hates to waste time? For a kid her age, that's slightly more normal...though not completely. lol But then, she's not completely normal either, so you know...Hahaha!
I like how you personify cholera with the words "cruel and ruthless." Nice choice! I wouldn't have thought of that, myself! But do note that "cholera" isn't capitalized. Also, in the bit where her mom is dying, "...she pulled me closer and whispered...You have something more powerful growing inside of you..." She pulls her closer? We don't know that she's close yet, so why closer? Maybe she just pulls her close? And she has something more powerful growing inside her? More powerful than what? Maybe just powerful? Those are just my opinions from reading it.
""Magic, Harley. You were born with..." she paused. The EKG beside her started beeping rapidly and my mother was gasping for air. Only a couple seconds later, the machine gave out a long, loud beep!" Well...THAT would super suck!!!  I can't imagine your mom not being able to finish her final words to you! Not to mention, such cryptic words? Definitely would suck! BTW, you don't need that exclamation point after "beep." In regular stories, you rarely use them unless someone is shouting. (Ignore all the exclamation points in my review. My stories don't have nearly as many. "I bursted out into tears and my father held me tight." Nice image.  Though that should just be "burst." "Soon the nurses escorted me out of the room and I was still devastated." The nurses "soon" escort her out. Just an FYI, they usually let family stay as long as they want...within reason. Like probably not 3 hours, but definitely not escorting them out "soon." Maybe "eventually"? Or perhaps her dad asks them to escort her out? Because why isn't she with her dad? Also, I don't like the word "still" in that sentence. Of course she's still devastated! Her mom just died like 5 minutes ago or whatever. lol And it ends with her wondering what her mom was going to say. Maybe. But her mom just died. Is that REALLY what's on her mind? Maybe. Or maybe that comes to her later like at dinner when she and her dad are eating in silence or when she's lying in bed pondering what her life will be like without her mom. Just thoughts...your current choice isn't wrong.
Harley doesn't know what her mom meant by magic and held on to that for years. But I think since I assume magic isn't a common thing in this world, she would assume she meant that she was very special, like every mother thinks their child is. Why would she think there would be anything more to it? MAYBE she wonders if she means she has a gift with words or a gift of kindness or some other gift. Maybe she explores those ideas. But I wouldn't expect her to spend years not having any idea what it meant. Sure, she'll never really know (or so we assume), but she'd at least have some theories. This sentence has some corrections. I'm capitalizing them for you to see easily. Don't follow my weird capitalizations. "On top of that, couple months after the funeral, my dad and I had a fall out." That should be "On to of that, A couple OF months after the funeral, my dad and I had a FALLING out." The next sentence, "...and he forbade me to never come home after four again." That means she HAS to come home after 4. I think you meant, "...and he forbade me to EVER come home..." lol She sent to her room for 2 days?  HARSH! Was there some abuse? Was he always really strict? Does he just suddenly become strict after her mom died?
"I laid on top of my lonely bed and stared into the voyage of the ceiling." I love this sentence, but also have some issues with it. I mean, her bed would be more lonely if she'd shared it with someone previously. Maybe at some point at least reference her mom and her lying in bed reading stories when she was young? Or her mom sitting on her bed to braid her hair? I also question the word "voyage" here. I really like it, but am not sure it makes sense. See what other folks say. It's odd that I like the sentence so much, but also have several issues with it.  "I knew that if I had stared onto something for too long with silence, the silence would be broken with a yelp of tears. Yet I still violated my personal rules and ended up sobbing away into a pillow." GREAT STUFF HERE! I love this! "My face was eventually indulged in saliva..." Again, I like it, but am not sure I like it or something.  Your writing is definitely unique. I often correct things I like, but I rarely say I like it, but have problems with the basic sentence to begin with. You confuse me. Anyway, this might work if her face had been "wanting" the saliva and mucus (in a metaphorical way). You usually indulge something or someone by giving it/them what it/they want(s).
"I saw a the latest 1940 Chrysler Imperial parked outside our lawn." Obviously, you need to delete the "a" in that sentence. lol And usually people don't park outside the lawn. I mean, I guess it could be like parking outside the perimeter of the lawn, maybe? Maybe she just parks in front of the house so as not to make the reader wonder what's going on with the car. "I only got a glimpse of her face because she had on a huge straw hat that complemented her..." Consider maybe a wide-brimmed hat or something. "Straw" makes me think of a farmer's hat. I did finally conjure an image of an elegant straw hat, but it wasn't the first thing that came to mind. Don't make the reader stumble, especially over something so (I assume) unimportant. "...unlocked my door and ran down stairs to get a better look. I stopped at the top of the staircase..." Uh, is she at the top of bottom of the stairs? I'm confused here. lol "Her face was well-contoured and her smiling lips were illuminated by a bright, matt-tinted lipstick." I love this description--especially the lipstick! Though it should be matte-finished, not tinted and "matte" has an "e." It might need to be "matte-finish," actually, because the finish is matte; it's not "done" as in "finished." lol (Ignore my hugely long paragraphs. lol I make 1 paragraph per your paragraph so you can keep up better.) "She had on a dark red richly-furred princess coat that matched her dark red heels." I think there needs to be a comma after "dark red" but I might be wrong. Also, I have no idea what a princess coat is. That might benefit from a bit more description. "She just came in from England to our small island chain, Azores." She knows her own island chain, I assume, so saying "Azores" here sounds weird and forced. You can try just putting it in parentheses and see how that looks and reads. Also, isn't it "the Azores"? I'm trying to get to bed, so I'll you research that, but I think so. You can also mention earlier in the story that she lives there so you don't have to mention it. Or you can tell us a bit later, when it's more natural...just thoughts.
""What!" I thought." I think a question mark would serve you better here, but we can imagine it's also got an exclamation point as I think we'd all feel it. You can also just use "what" (with the question mark) and leave out the "I thought" if you put the "what" in italics. Usually italics tell us it's what the person is thinking.
"Yes, thank you for coming. Now, get out!" I screamed in my head." This is another place to use the italics, but I do agree with your choice for the exclamation point. That way, you don't have to tell us she's screaming. We can see it with your punctuation. I REALLY like this part, BTW. I think it's totally realistic! I wonder about her feelings for her dad, thinking he's a scum. I would expect her to feel more betrayed and like he's cheating on her mom. That might be what she's feeling, but I don't quite see that through your words. "My father disguised his anger and mouthed, "Say something."" I 100% LOVE THIS AND CAN TOTALLY SEE IT HAPPENING!!! YES! Great work there!!!
"Great! That means you can sleep on the couch. Let me help you with your luggage. Is that all?" HILARIOUS!!! Again, LOVE THIS!!! I can also see this happening! Great work here!
""Uh.. umm...yes..but," Nancy stuttered." You don't need the "Nancy stuttered" because the ellipses show that she's stuttering. BTW, those should always be 3 dots. If you want to be sure we know it's Nancy speaking maybe something like, "Nancy's eyes dart toward the couch, then to my father." We now know for sure it's her speaking (though I think we already knew that) and you have added something to the story--how she looks when this is said.
"Go ahead and help yourself with some leftover Mac n' Cheese. Just put it on the stove for two minutes." The mac n' cheese part shouldn't be capitalized, just like pizza isn't.  But I love this part and the part about the pots and pans being in the cupboard.  I do think it's a bit much for her to say something about if she even knows how to cook, but maybe not. I also love the ending where she's saying to have fun doing stuff with her dad. But I'd cut some of that out--maybe the coat and wig part? Maybe the if she can even cook and the lipstick part? Basically, her dad would interrupt her if she spoke that long, so she needs to speak less if you want her to not get stopped. lol And I don't think the "I jabbered with sarcasm" is at all necessary. She's obviously jabbering and it's obviously sarcastic. Maybe she gives Nancy a brief smile, then lets the corners of her mouth drop to a frown? It shows us more about what's going on so we can picture things. It's just a suggestion.
I forgot to mention wherever it belonged, good job knowing that blonde is for a girl! (Blond is for a boy.) Well done! "...I could've heard my dad apologizing to Nancy." This sounds like she could have heard her dad apologizing to Nancy, but she didn't because of something. I think you meant, "...I could hear my dad..." I love the author's name and the name of the book is fun as well. I can see why she hadn't read it before. I'm sure I wouldn't have.  But it seems weird that she's so angry, but then decides to read this weird-titled book she's never read before. Maybe she finds reading soothing, but she's read everything else? Also, where did this book come from? Maybe it was a gift from her mother at some point? Or it was her mother's book she'd squirreled away in her room because she missed her? Just thoughts...
Okay, very nice work! It certainly needs some corrections, but you have the start of a really interesting story here and you definitely have some parts that grabbed me! Nicely done! I'm not giving it 3 1/2 stars because it's not a good story, but only because it has so many mistakes. But those are totally correctable and if you decide you want me to reread this later, I can rerate it as well. Thanks for sharing and good luck with the rest of your story! Perhaps this can be your NaNo project this year! |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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I totally love that you wrote a math poem! 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I have a tremendous amount of respect for him and the child he raised. 
Overall impression and emotional impact:
Grammar, spelling, and mechanics:
Suggestions for improvement:
My favorite parts:
It's not easy, but you can do it! You're already 1 entry closer to the end! 
Keep on writing! 
By my 30's, I'd lost everyone except my brother and some cousins. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I know it's heartbreaking, but I'm very glad you had the time to spend with him. Those will be memories you will cherish forever. 
If you do that with MBs, apparently I was so traumatized, I blocked out the memory. 
This is beautiful and I love the added spell. If I wasn't doing a review, I wouldn't have bothered looking it up and would have missed out. Granted, things like Lumos and Quietus are pretty clear, but probably not so obvious for non-native speakers. 
EXCELLENT!