This piece really spoke to me, as I'm going through a rather lonely period in my life; one where people are the best cure, even though I'm absolutely terrified of them. Interaction is what I need, even though it's hard to muster the courage.
I like the repetition, or rather, the chorus. It adds a flow that just putting CHORUS on the page wouldn't give.
"Around my heart,
There are these walls,"
That was probably my favorite line (:
In whole, good work, very realatable, easy and fine flow. Good job.
First, I'd like to say that I think I know where you're coming from, emotionally, with this piece, and, while I really haven't found a suitable answer for my problems, I hope you find your magic cure to feel better and find a place where you want to be and (more importantly) can be. Second, I'd like to say that it was a pleasure to read, and my main complaint is that it was not long enough.
If I were to turn this into a track for an album, I'd start with just some drums, and maybe a clarinet, then decrescendo, and speak the intro. After that, start up the melody, and sing the chorus in between the sections of instrumentals. This has staying power if you're careful with the arrangement.
A few technical changes I would make include in the fourth line of the first stanza, changing "start from" to "begin" because begin -almost- rhymes with ends, and is the classic antonym, besides.
In the second stanza of your chorus, you might want to change "below" to "beneath" because, to my ear, it just seems to flow better. Also, you have a minor typo-- change "you" to "your."
Aside from those things, there isn't much you can do to better it. I like the restless feeling of wanting to move on, despite there being no opportunities; I think that’s something most can relate to. Be sure to let me know when you put all of the pieces of your song together, I’d love to hear how it turns out!
I'm happy Odysseus died in the end, because I really, really hate that guy. He has no respect for any female he meets, and deserves to be eaten, and a bit more for being such a literary icon. However, there are a few things you could use to improve your story. Keep in mind that these are just my suggestions, and if I could do it better, I would do it myself. Now, for the crackdown:
1. I would use more poetic words in describing the cyclops, more onomatopoeia. Describe the roars Polyphemus produces, the crack of skulls bashing up against the floor, the slow oozing of blood from the Greeks’ wounds. It’s really fun when you get in the groove of it.
2. Give the cyclops a more faceted dialogue. This is an immortal, a son of Poseidon. He would speak well, or at least, not use so much modern slang. Also, he wouldn’t be quite so brutish. The beauty of this incident in the original myth is the ultimate insult is the desecration of the guest-gift, or promising to eat him last in return for his name.
3. Use “Nemo” to paint a starker picture of what is going on. If you plan to kill Odysseus, pray have your cyclops shout, “I’m eating nobody!” You made the Nemo/Odysseus part quite clear, you just didn’t use it, and that is something that can be used to a great dramatic effect.
In essence, a bit more background work is necessary to keep this as a mythological piece, and it needs a few touch-ups in the grammar and flow departments as well. Keep writing, and remember that words are never wasted! You can always use discarded writings as a stepping stone to later greatness.
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