\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scribblersmurf
Review Requests: OFF
67 Public Reviews Given
108 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hmm.. I just noticed this isn’t on the review list for the workshop? Oh well, I read it anyway, so giving you a review. =)

Plot: A man is chased by wolves. When he gives in, they don’t kill him, though something evil tells him the darkness is coming.

Scene: Forrest setting.

Character Development: Don’t see much here, besides the man giving up. If that’s normal for him, we don’t know yet.

Grammar: Marked below. Not my strongest suit though.

Just My Personal Opinion: I don’t have much of one yet. Classic warning of something coming. I do have an opinion on the name you gave the land, RhyDin. Did you know, this has been the name for the world people RP in on AOL for over 10 years now? Maybe it ties in somehow later, I don’t know. But if this was just an unlucky thing, I think it would be better to change to a name that is less known.

Questions: None.

The sun beat down onto the realm known as RhyDin. It was mid-Summer and the weather was much hotter than usual. There was much diversity in this great land. Here the many races lived for the most part in harmony. There had been disputes and battles fought throughout the plains and great hills in the past, but RhyDin was enjoying an extended time of peace.

On this scorching day, sounds of commotion came from the confines of one of RhyDin’s many forests. Deep within the wild vegetation ran a large human form. He leapt over tangled tree roots and ducked under low tree branches in an effort to escape something. The glow of sweat covered his face and his dark hair clung to his forehead. His even darker eyes were wide with fear.

He glanced over his shoulder, horrified to see that he was still being chased. On his trail was were a pack of four-legged beasts. They were each more or less like a wolf, though their bodies were much larger and their fur pitch black. Pearly white teeth flashed as they opened their mouths to growl and bark at their prey. Their paws dug deep into the ground, gaining on him with each stride forward.

“Help! Someone!” he managed to yell through his deep breathing. Unfortunately for him, no one was around to hear his shouting. He wanted nothing more than for this madness to end. The wild pack was gaining on him, and he knew that soon he would be theirs to do with what they wished. He felt a burning in his chest and a sharp pain in his side. His legs turned to rubber and he fell to the ground, accepting his fate.

The man tensed, expecting to be torn to pieces by the blood-thirsty animals. He opened his eyes and saw a blurred image of the beasts standing around him. They had him trapped, though he was paralyzed with both exhaustion and fear. At the same moment, all the wolves dropped onto their hind legs, sitting and staring at him. The man reached behind him, grabbing at a large boulder, trying to get up despite the inability of his legs. His head spun from side to side, looking at each of the wolves, who watched his feeble attempts at standing.

A howl rose from the back of the pack. One by one, each wolf raised its head to the sky and joined in the horrifying call. The man fell back against the rock, raising his hands to his ears. While the beasts cried, the ground below began to shake. A rumbling of thunder followed as dark clouds appeared above, choking out the light of the sun. The man shut his eyes as if trying to wake himself from a terrible dream.

“Open your eyes.”

The voice echoed all around the man. As he opened his eyes, the colors of the forest were replaced with shadow and blackness. A creeping dark swallowed up the trees, vines, and grass. The wolves that bayed were no longer visible. The only thing he could see were two glowing red eyes. Terror filled his heart and he began to tremble uncontrollably.

“Beware. Your journey through the darkness will soon begin, and you will never be the same again,” came the rumbling of the same voice. A pale white hand moved through the air, emitting a force that drew the cowering man toward those evil eyes. He tried to scream, but no sound came out. A deep cackle flew through the chilled air as the man raced in a spiral of colors and blinding lights. I didn’t quite understand this. Did he race into or through them, or into some kind of portal or vortex? Making this clearer, I think would improve the ending of this.

Then there was only darkness.
2
2
Review of Dying for freedom  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a well put together argument, but in my opinion, I don't think it will have much of a chance at changing minds.

I don't say that to be mean, but throughout this piece you say "unborn child" while many of those who would disagree with your opinion, don't believe it is a child yet. So that could cause them to disregard your whole argument.

I'm not exactly sure how you could convince someone when life begins and when it doesn't though, but I do like how you have resources to back up what you say.

So, I do think you did a good job on this. =)
3
3
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another helpful how-to.

POV was definitely one of my issues that I was asking about when I first started working on my novel. Still can be slightly. So I think this could be really useful for new writers.

Are distant and close third person, the offical names, or just ones you use?
4
4
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Been reading some how to's on characters lately, and you've given an idea I don't remember reading about. Taking our characters with us. That could be a useful tool.

Drawing a picture is a new one too. Interesting idea. I see how that could help.

Well done, and it's great you want to help others. =)
5
5
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thought your other poem was good, so came to your port. Found this one, asking for the R&R, so here it comes.

It is indeed short. If you didn't have the intro, I don't think I would have known you were talking about a reflection. It would have left me confused. The intro, does give it some power in my opinion.

Maybe you turn expand upon this poem, putting in some details and thoughts about the reflection.

That's just a suggestion though. =)
6
6
Review of Tired Feet  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was anamusing poem. I enjoyed the way the rhyming made it sound in my head.

Though, two of the stanzas, the rhyming didn't work for me.

Some smell very nice,
and some not so good.
Look at them twice,
you know you should.

To me, good and should, don't rhyme too well. It caused the flow of the story to hang up. I didn't quite follow why I should look at my feet twice either. Though, that does add to the silly tone of the poem, which I think you were going for.

So be kind to your feet
and give them a break.
After you walk the street,
give em' a soak in the lake.

While, saying break/lake, I can hear the rhyme. For me, it's lost in the reading of the stanza. So it didn't feel like the poem ended on a strong note to me.

Of course, that's just my opinion, and I did enjoy reading this. So keep at it! =)
7
7
Review of seclusion  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Was this for a limited word contest? I enjoyed it. It has a nice style to it. I liked the short sentences followed by ones a little longer.

Though this sentence:
Hesitating to reach out in fear of what might be there instead.
To me, felt like it was too long. Everything else was shorter with breaks. This one dragged on. So I think if you can break this one up, it'll improve this piece.

Nice work. Keep it up!
8
8
Review of Yard Sale Stuffty  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought this was about you, and I got quite confused when you were mentioning being sold. Then, duh, it's about a stuffed bunny, LOL.

my fluffy coat is flawed
I think this line, the flawed, really did fit the rhyming, but that's just my opinion.

I don't know how old you are, but if grade 9 was awhile ago and yer like you, you don't want to change this?

I did enjoy the poem though. I thought it was good. So, nicely done to your younger self. =)
9
9
Review of The Review Mixer  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
In my mind, I find it a funny idea to review the review mixer. So going to do it. =D

I think this is a great idea. Well in a perfect world, we should review each other out of the kindness of our hearts, but it is nice to get a little reward for the time we've spent.

And that is one of the reasons why the review mixer is bad too. I've been spending too much time reviewing, and not enough working on my own writing. Though enjoying what I read helps there too.

Anyway, that's enough praise. I could go on and on, but sure you've heard all this before. =)
10
10
Review of The Yearly Gambit  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this story, and you got me. When they were sitting down, I thought, "Aha! That guy is death!" But nope. I was wrong, LOL.

You described everything really well, and it didn't slow down my reading. You mixed in Mishki's memories of the past in well too. There wasn't a point in this story that caused me to stop. Good flow to it.

Very nicely done. =)
11
11
Review of Stopwatch  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Gonna start with some suggestions.

That didn't stop me from swimming in it every chance I got. Then I stopped swimming and started holding my breath.
This part, didn't flow together in my opinion. Maybe tweaking it, or putting something between the two sentences could help.

And something I didn't quite understand. Why did the narrator decide to to hold his breath till 1 minute and 45 seconds with the broken watch? I really didn't get the connection as to why he did that, knowing it was broken so wouldn't move. Maybe it would be better, if he thought a certain number, 5 maybe 10 minutes would make everything okay. That everyone would be so amazed, everything would become okay?

Just an idea. I do like your idea for this story though, just maybe tweak it some. =)
12
12
Review of "A Loving Peace"  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
On my first read through, the short second lines in the second through fourth stanzas caused me some problems. I usually pause at the end of a line, so it could just be me. It did feel better on other read throughs.

Despite that, it did feel like the poem has a nice rhythm to it, and the rhyming didn't sound forced. It also helped the poem sound nice in my head.

I would call this a lovely poem, and here's to hoping that it's subject matter can come true. =)
13
13
Review of Overnight Shift  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This reads like it was just a normal "day" in the narrator's life.

I thought you wrote it well. Though I am a bit confused as to why the narrator didn't seem too upset about Christa? She just returned to her routine, like nothing happened. Or like it was normal?

Maybe you were trying to show her as emotionally detached from the shelter? Not sure I could see that. Maybe it needed more. But still, I thought this was good.
14
14
Review of The Steps  Open in new Window.
Review by Scribbler Smurf Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I don't think I've ever read anything that was completely written in present tense like this. So it took me a while to get use to, but I do think this was well written.

I think you filtered in their past well. You didn't lay it all on at once, but gave bits, enough so I wasn't lost, but curious as to what these rules were all about.

I think I caught a minor mistake. Doing your words in bold, hopefully.

“I told you. She not my girlfriend”

Tyler seemed to be well spoken, so I think you need an "is" between the She not.

Anyway, good job! And good luck in the contest this is for.
14 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scribblersmurf