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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/seadonkey
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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Twainer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem. So much so, I will attempt to express what I feel has struck a cord.

First Stanza
The symbolism of snow as time, as it melts away from us all. In this case it falls away too soon.

We all think we can live today a little discontent. We will be happier next year.

Nicely done. I had to read the poem a couple times to appreciate it's beauty, but I think that is a good thing. Each time I read the poem, a felt something new, that I missed the time round. Like a good book, you read over and over.
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Review of Permeation  Open in new Window.
Review by Twainer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I love the style, imagery, and the flow of this piece. The prose comes off as a natural read. I found the ending a bit melodramatic, but still effective.

My only reality check on this work, is I am assuming this was a crime of passion, and not premeditated murder, so the death penalty is a bit over the top. At least there is nothing I read in the story to indicate he planned to murder his wife. Beautifully written ,but in the end it has to ring true.

If I was to produce your story for television for example, I would either have him sitting in prison, and commits suicide, or change the story a bit so that he commits premeditated murder on his boss, by bringing a handgun to work with him. Drop the scissors out of the story. Have the boss say exactly what he says in your story, except as the boss lunges toward him in a rage(No scissors) Your main character raises the undetected handgun and shoots the boss dead, in front of everybody.

You have a natural talent, sometimes it is just continuity that prevents a good story from being a great one.
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