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Public Reviews
1
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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Setting: The story starts at Kevin’s house and moves to Rick’s and then back to Kevin’s. There were enough details for me to see everything.

Characters: Kevin is the main character and has powers that he has inherited from his father. He is the last in the family. I think I would like to see more emotion from Kevin especially in regards to Janice. He must feel betrayed on some level and may be sorry he had to kill her.

Janice is someone who is descended from the warlock hunters and has been told she must destroy the last remaining one.

Referencing: The back story is fascinating. Great background.

How is Gerald going to teach Kevin to use his powers if Kevin was the last one? Did I miss something?

Plot: Kevin is about to fully realize his powers, but a new girl name Janice has shown up to kill him. After a fight, Kevin wins and Janice dies. One of Kevin’s fathers friend shows up to teach him to use his powers.

Grammar: There was some telling in this story instead of showing. I think there are parts that could definitely be more effective if it were shown.

On Kevin’s thirteenth birthday he got his powers. He woke up in a cold sweat about three am on the thirty-first of October. The hour he was born. He woke up and sat up in bed as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He crawled out of bed and stumbled through the dark room as he made his way to the bathroom. He turned on the bright light as he walked over to the sink and turned the cold water on. He splashed the cold liquid on his face a few times. He stood there as he braced himself up with his hands on the cold porcelain sink and watched the water drip off his nose into the sink while he thought about the dream that woke him up. This paragraph has a lot of sentences beginning with ‘He *verb*’. I’ve been advised not to let sentences start this way more than three times in a row because it destroys the flow of the writing.

The dark figure made its way over and leaned into the window. “Oh, my night Should be ‘knight’. in shinning armor. I would love a ride.”

“My name is Janice and that is because I have just moved here. I thought I would go to the party and meet a few people seeing how as switch as and how aroundthough I don’t know anyone yet. I heard a few people talking about it at school. It‘s supposed to be a Halloween party for someone's birthday.”

She watched him slowly climb out of the hole and brace him self one word on one knee with his hands on the ground.

Kevin stood up and held out his hands as a boltof electricity came from them only to be blocked when she held out the dagger and a force field surrounded her.

Kevin stood there looking at it knowing how close he came to dieingdying.

Mom should be capitalized in the following sentences:
Kevin fixed the collar on his long trench coat “I’m sorry mom, but I already promised Ricky I would go to this party with him. After all, I am the guest of honor.”

For a brief second Kevin thought he saw a worried look in his mother’s weary eyes and then it was gone. “Okay, mom. I’ll be home before you know it.” He kissed her on the cheek.



Just my Opinion: I think this story could be longer, maybe even a novel. There are so many great things here that could be expanded. Terrific plot idea!

Sephina

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Review of Dead End  Open in new Window.
Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Setting: There isn’t much in the way of the setting. For the way the story flows, it doesn’t seem like too much detail is necessary. At the same time, maybe more descriptions of some of the scenes might help the reader place himself there.

Characters: The person telling this story is a private investigator for the defense. The only thing that really comes across about him is that he has a crush on Marge. I found myself wanting to know more about him. I guess it’s possible the investigator could be a woman, though. At any rate, I waned to know more about the person who was telling the story. I think it’s important for the reader to connect to the POV character.

Marge was the most detailed character. Through the private investigator’s eyes the reader imagines she is pretty and has an artist-type personality. I honestly believed she cared for her grandfather and she thought she was doing the right thing. If it’s possible, I think it would add more to show her feelings for him.

Daryl seems to care enough about Marge to take the blame entirely. Whether or not he actually cared for the grandfather, I couldn’t tell. I think showing something of their relationship would add depth to the story.

Referencing: I don’t think I have any comments here.

Plot: A private investigator is investigating the death of Marge’s grandfather. Eventually, enough evidence is discovered to charge the boyfriend and Marge. Daryl attempts to take the blame entirely, but Marge confesses too.

Grammar: Looked good to me.

Just my Opinion:

My heart has lost its music like a violin out of tune. Nice line.

The mention of Brandon made me think he could be the killer. I think that part could be drawn out to add some more twists to the tell.

I think this story could be expanded and milked for a lot more emotion, drama and tension. A lot of the story felt like a summary. I think showing interactions between the characters could deepen the story and showing more about the POV character would allow the reader to connect to the story. It’s a great start and with a little work, I think it could be a story that pulls the reader in and invoke strong emotions from the reader.

Sephina

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Review of I Wonder  Open in new Window.
Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
and this time, one had your name on it.
This line seemed to break the flow. I like the imagery of it though. I think a line break after time may help it though. I think if ‘one had your name on it’ stood alone, it might have a greater emotional impact. Or maybe there’s a different way to word it. It could just be me.

Just my Opinion: I really liked this poem. I think the metaphors clearly show and convey the emotion you’re going for. It’s got that whole what if thing going and I think that’s something everyone can relate to. I want more details though, but I’m not sure how to go about doing that. It’s pretty nice the way it is too. Good job!

Sephina

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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Setting: I would like more details of the bar Charlotte is sitting in. I think more description of Rosey’s room would add to the story too.

Characters: Charlotte seems to be rather independent for the era. She has no doubts about taking over her father’s ships and crew. I think that says a lot about her character.

Rosey seems like a good ally at this point and knows how to protect herself.

I’m a little suspicious of this James person since he’s so new to the crew.

Referencing: Until England was mentioned, I wasn’t sure where and when this piece occurred. It’s during the time of pirates and slavery. I think if details were added like I suggested above, you firmly establish the setting.

Plot: Charolette’s pirate father has been killed and she is determined to find the killer.

Grammar: This story had a lot of telling in it. There was a lot of background and information dumping. While interesting, it can often drag the story down and pull the reader out of the story. If you’re like me, when I’m first writing a story, I do often have info dumps just because I’m not a 100% certain if there will be better places to reveal the info. Since this isn’t finished yet, I can see that being the case here. When you finish it, I would suggest going back through and see if there are places where the info can be cut or if there are ways to show the info instead of just telling the reader.

There are some minor typo things in the line by line as well.

Just my Opinion: I think there’s a very good plot here. I would like to see how it turns out. You have all the elements of a good story here and I think you could turn into something that a lot of people would enjoy. Who doesn’t like a good pirate story? *Smile*

Sephina

Line by line:

She sat at a corner table, facing the rest of the room, taking it all in.Instead of just saying she took it all in, I would suggest showing it instead. One way this can be accomplished is to take out the colorful character’s part and describe some of the character’s she sees in the room with her. I would also suggest starting the paragraph with her name instead of the pronoun ‘she’. She had missed Tortuga, and the … let’s say colorful … yes, colorful characters both passing through and calling the island home. The port town, if it can be called that, was more like a string of taverns and brothels reallyI would take out ‘really’. Really is one of those word that’s not needed most of the time., and because of this there were just as many of those passing through who thought of it as home as there were actual residents. Maybe more.

Not many people, except the men of the sea and the ladies of the night, would feel comfortable there, and even for some of them comfort was debatable. But Charlotte Fairgrey was not daunted by the violence and debauchery that ran rampant in these streets. She grew up at sea, and as the daughter of Captain Fairgrey the Fearless, all Tortuga knew that there was a force to be reckoned with behind her, and she had become virtually untouchable. That is until nearly three months ago.

***

Charlotte’s parents had loved each other deeply, but her father was gone to sea more than three quarters of each year. Such was the life of a sailor. When she was five, her mother took ill with a fever, and she slipped away one night in her sleep. A friend sent word to Tortuga so that it could be passed to Captain Fairgrey, and he immediately returned to England for his beloved daughter. Faced with the dilemma of whether to raise her with him at sea or to leave her with someone else on land, he chose the former. He knew she needed him more than ever now with her mother gone, and he needed her too.

He taught Charlotte everything about the sea, sailing and life. “Ye must always ‘ave respect fer ‘er,” he would say of the sea, in his best pirate voice “fer she’ll turn on ye in a bloody second if yer not careful.” He always respected her, and in return the sea had awarded him a rather large fortune from his dealings.

When Charlotte was becoming a young woman, he told her she would be sent back to England to receive a formal education as both he and her mother had. “A pirate’s best weapon is his head,” he told her. To her protests at being sent away he replied, “I will not have any daughter of mine depending on a man to provide for her. If you choose to let him, that’s another thing, but you will have the choice.” When she reached eighteen, they said their good-byes and he gave her his pocketwatchtwo words? as a momentomemento. "So you may think of me at any time of any day, Squid." That was his pet name for her, given for her inky black hair.

Four years later, she was almost finished with school when there was a knock at her repeat: door and a note slipped under it. She quickly opened the repeat: door, but the messenger was gone. She closed the repeat: door again as she opened the note, the contents caused her to fall to her knees. It was from one of the “ladies” in Tortuga, a friend of her father’s (and truly nothing more, Captain Fairgrey was faithful to his wife even after her death), who had looked after Charlotte for him when it was necessary. She was like a big sister.

“My Dearest Charlotte,

There is no easy way to write this, and you know I don’t mince words. Sit down if you’re not already…

Your father has gone to join your mother. I am so sorry, I am writing this even as my own tears are falling because I just found outI think the last phrase takes the emotion out of it.. I don’t know all of the details, but he was murdered, and I am certain it was for his fortune and control of his contracts. I know it wasn’t his crew though, and I’m sure you do too. His ship has been left in control of his first mate, but his express wishes designate that YOU are to be captain of the “Fair Lady,” and commander of all three ships and his holdings if you so choose. His men will accept you. Patrick had the most loyal crew of pirates there ever was.

You need to get back here, to protect your fortune at the very least. If you wish to leave the ship to the men, that’s up to you, but your father’s treasure, that’s your birthright.

I will gather as much information as I can around here while I await your arrival.

Love always, Rosey”

Charlotte had walked out of her room that minute, taking only a small bag that held her personal items (things that belonged to her mother, a few knives, the usual) I would drop the parenthesizes and personal items. Just state the small bag held items that belonged to her mother, a few knives etc. That is showing and allows the reader to sink into the story. , the clothes on her back and a hat. It was a good thing she had put on her sailing clothes that afternoon as she often did when she was in her room and missing the sea. She was able to tuck her hair under her hat, smear some dirt on her face and pass herself off as a boy to get hired as a deck hand on the next ship setting out for the Caribbean.

***

When she came to Rosey’s door a three cornered hat was hanging on the nail – translation: “do not disturb.” Charlotte scratched out “I’m here” on a scrap of paper and stuck it on the nail under the hat. Rosey would know who it was from and where to find her.


***

Waiting, watching and drinking up all that she had been away from for what seemed a lifetime, Charlotte realized she was home. She resolved that she would take command of her father’s ship, if the men would have her – she was certain they would. They were loyal, as Rosey had said, and most of them had been around so long they were like her brothers. Yes, this was where she belonged.

The waitress brought her another pint, and finally realized who the discreet patron she had been serving was. She had seen Charlotte with her father since she was a little girl and watched her grow up; she had matured so much in the last few years Lisette almost didn't recognize herPOV shift.. “Mon Cherie!” she exclaimed.

“Shhhh,” Charlotte hissed. She tipped up the brim of her hat briefly, “Yes Lisette, it’s me, but I’m trying to lay low.”

“Waiting for the crew?”

“Rosey right now, haven’t had contact with the crew yet.”

“I see, well she has, you can be sure of that. I’ll send her your way when she gets here. In the meantime you had best tuck those lovely black curls back under your hat, lest they give you away.”

Charlotte smiled at her friend as she pushed the stay strands back up. Women on this side of the world tended to stay truer to each other than in more civilized places. It was the only way to keep one’s head above water in this man’s sea.

Charlotte checked the time on her father's pocket watch and confirmed that more than two hours had passed since she left the note under the hat. She thought that it seemed too long. Lisette brought her a third drink just before Rosey arrived, and when she did, she caused a stir as always. Cat calls and whistles were thrown at her the moment she opened the door.

“Avast ye currs! Crawl back under ye barrel of ale, I’ve matters of importance to see to.” The tall, red haired woman elbowed her way through the crowd, slapping away hands that would pull her to their owners’ laps. One, not so willing to let go set her on a tear, “Unhand me this instant kind sir,” she smiled as she pulled back her cloak to reveal her weapon, “lest I need dirty my sword running ye through!”

The half wit drunkard raised both hands to show surrender, “I…I…”

“Ye didn’t mean any ‘arm, I know. Next time there be no warnin’.”

The mob turned back to their drink, and Rosey arrived at Charlotte’s table, tankard in hand. “I would hug you, but not here. I'm sorry you waited so long, suppose it was too dark is why you didn't notice. We’ll finish our drink and go to my place to talk.”

"Notice what?"

"I put out your father's hat ..."

" ... so I would know you were waiting for me."

***

Rosey hung the three cornered hat on her door, and locked it behind them. Then she threw off her cloak and embraced Charlotte. They allowed themselves a moment to share their grief before tending to matters at hand.

“They’ll be expecting you.”

“Who?”

“Whoever is responsible. They’ll watch and wait for you to go after his treasure, and then…”

“Not if I kill them first!” Charlotte was angry now. “My father was a good man…”

“Yes, but in doing his good deeds he made badI wouldn’t use ‘bad’. Most enemies would be. I would suggest a different adjective like maybe powerful, vengeful, whatever you feel is best. enemies,” Rosey reminded her. "If it had been the British, it would have been a public execution."

Captain Fairgrey was by trade a merchant and a privateer; he transported raw materials and goods, but also held Letters of Marque to allow him to attack foreign vessels, which he did as they came across his path. He was also a firm believer in the equality of every man and this belief had led him to the path of piracy in Charlotte's early childhood. Not for his own personal gain but in the name of liberating men, women and children stolen from their homes across the Atlantic to be sold into slavery in the new world. In fact, more than half of his crew was made up of freed men who chose to stay with him and help him continue to do his work. Over the course of fifteen years he had freed perhaps thousands, and had kept his side activities out of sight of the British government. Maybe they knew now, maybe not.

“So you think it was one of the slavers then?” Charlotte asked.

“That would be the obvious conclusion, but James and I can’t find out if any of them were here at the time.”

“James?” Charlotte wasn’t familiar with any James among her father’s crew.

“Oh, I forgot you haven’t met him yet. He’s only been on for about two years now I think. Patrick acquired a third ship shortly after you left, and was planning on adding a fourth. He brought James on as First Mate, to prep him for Captain when he was ready to expand. James has done a fine job overseeing all three ships, but has been anxious for you to arrive.”

“Too much for him to handle?”

“He’s just as anxious as we are to find Patrick’s killer, and he thinks you’ll be the one that will draw him out.”

A little chuckle escaped Charlotte, “So he wants to go fishing, using me for bait now does he?”

“Aye.”

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Review of My Plea  Open in new Window.
Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
And just about any other detrimental afflictions There’s something about the ‘detrimental afflictions’ that I don’t like. I know how hard it is to rhyme and keep a beat. I’m afraid I don’t have any suggestions. There’s just something about it that takes away from the mood of the poem, in my opinion.

To take dips slow and avoid cracked glass. Nice line.

I can’t help but think that coming home is a chore, I think this adds to the poem and brings a lot to it. I think it helps personalize it.

To pick up that glass of bitter sick whiskey. I think this breaks the rhyme scheme and beat you had going.

Just my Opinion: I’m always impressed when people can write poetry with things such as rhyme scheme and beats and keep the emotion there. I think you did this very well, with some small exceptions noted above.
Great work!

Sephina

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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
White clouds, blue sky,
and red stripes of dawn
Nice image

for the crucial communion
of continents of men.
This part seems to wordy to me and disrupts the flow. I found myself stumbling over this part.

with a rush of dazzling light, I like that line.


Just my Opinion: I think this poem catches the spirit of a waving flag. Except for the one line mentioned above, I think it flows well and has a nice airy quality to it.

Sephina

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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Referencing: There was some background about Upstate New York relevant to the story. I don’t think it was something that most people would be familiar with. It was brief and a bit charming.

Grammar: I didn’t see anything that needed correcting.

Just my Opinion: This is a nice history about how a recipe got passed around. I think it adds something to a food item when a story can be attached to it. The images are presented well and helps evoke emotions in the reader. I could see this easily being added to a story if you should ever have the mind to do so.

Sephina

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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Setting:There isn’t really a setting. From the way the story is told, there’s not a need for it.

Characters: Dick is the main character. He’s a writer who started to exclusively write comedy because he got paid for it. Being a writer seems like the only thing he wanted to do.

Plot: Dick writes comedy because that’s what got him published. After awhile, his writing friends advanced further than he did. After he looks at his friends works, he realizes what his writing lacked.

Grammar: I didn’t notice anything.

Just my Opinion:
I really like this line:
When just a young lad he had written poems for his mother on Mother's Day cards; later expanding his audience to the objects of his earliest crushes.

This story reads more like an outline to me or a fable or fairy tale. I felt there was a lot of telling in this story rather than showing. I’m wondering if that was done on purpose though.
Personally, I would like to know more about Dick and see more of his discovery about what it takes to advance on the staircase. Maybe he’s sitting in his messy room, head on his cluttered desk, wondering why he isn’t very successful. Then he sees some of his friends’ writings in a pile and starts to read them. The reader finds out through Dick’s thoughts about what he needs to do.

It’s an interesting idea and one that I think could be beneficial to a lot of people.

Sephina

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Review of Shimmy and Roscoe  Open in new Window.
Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Setting: It takes place outside and I assume in a city or town. I think maybe more description of the area might help set the mood more. Empty streets, dark windows. Or windows that do have light peeping out through the edges, bare limbed trees, Etc.

Characters:Shimmy appears to be a child. I would say she’s about ten, but I’m not good with children’s ages. She is resentful at having to take the dog out especially on such a nasty evening. I think that’s something a lot of kids can relate to. I can remember having to take the dog when I was younger during crappy weather.

Plot: Shimmy is taking the dog out on a dark, windy evening. It’s hinted that there might be something out there with them that’s dangerous.

Grammar: For such a short piece, there may be too many adverbs.
I gave you some suggestions about wording and such in the line by line. Most of the comments are just suggestions and not hard and fast grammar rules.

Just my Opinion: There seems to be a slight build up to something. There is certainly a lot of mystery going on in the background. This almost seems like a beginning of a larger piece or this piece may need some more expanding.

I think you did a great job of showing Shimmy’s emotions and thoughts.

Sephina

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Line by line:

Shimmy hated taking the dog out in the eveningscomma but the animal just didn't really I’ve been told not to use ‘just’ and ‘really’ so much. In most cases, I find you didn’t need them.care about her feelings; it had to follow nature's call. That usually meant a quick duck in the grass, and then off to the nightly walk.

She held his chain trying to gain control of the family pet.

"Roscoe! C'mon boy, give me a break!" she yelled as he pulled her in every directioncomma but loose from her body. He didn't seem to notice how noisy it was today. It felt kind of weird. It was a dark and blustery night, which normally meant Roscoe's ears would perk up more than normal, as if he were scanning the airwaves for the best reception to show him the way as he romped around but tonight...he didn't seem to notice this.

Shimmy just shook her head. She didn't want to be out walking the dog in this weather and was sure to let him know how she felt about it.

"Roscoe, this is all your fault! Why do you need a walk, especially at night timeone word I think?" she asked him as she knelt close to his face.

He eyed her curiously and turned his head from side to side. He brought his nose closer to her face, taking in the odor of a cheeseburger long since eaten and took a deep breath. He licked his doggy lips as if he wanted to get a taste of the real thing.

Shimmy shook her head. "Silly dog, all you do is sit here and breathe my leftover food smells! And, you are the one controllingYou’re the one in control when… sounds better to me. when I get to take you out for a walk! Humph...doesn't it figure!" she said as I would suggest dropping the ‘she said as’. And just have ‘She stood…’ If you have action after dialogue, a tag isn’t really needed.she stood to take a good look at the family dog.

"C'mon...let's keep on moving! The wind seems to be picking up tonight!" she said with a heightened tone. "I don't like this Roscoe. And the air is feeling chilly on top of this!"

The sky had grown dark overhead and Shimmy grew more concerned with rain ruining what was left of her wind blown ponytail hair style.

Roscoe pulled and tugged at the chain and they began to lope along the sidewalk. He stopped to smell the grass and checkout the loose candy wrappers scattered around the walk area. Then detracts from the action I think. How about something like, ‘A small insect encouraged him to swipe at it.’? Then, he saw a small insect that he wanted to paw around on the pavement.

“No!” yelled Shimmy. “We don’t have time for that, Roscoe. You need to move so we can get this walk over with.” She sure hated her luck. None of her friends were out walking their dog but Shimmy had to. And it didn’t matter how she felt about it anyway.

Just then, a swift wind arose around them and Shimmy could feel her feet slip under her. Roscoe finally began to bark, as if he suddenly noticed something different about this dark and blustery night.

Shimmy didn’t wait to make a beeline for her home, with Roscoe leading the way, with no delay. This sentence doesn’t read right for me. I don’t think the ‘with no delay’ fits.

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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Setting: The setting tells so much of the story here, and I think you did a good job with the descriptions.

Characters: The only thing that the reader really learns about the character is that he/she is afraid of the dark. It's a short piece, and given the nature of the story, it's not quite so important to have a lot of characterization in it. I still felt concern for the character as the brief winter storm came as I didn't wish to see him/her caught in a winter storm in the middle of nowhere.

Plot: The main character goes out to enjoy a summer day, but a brief winter storm shakes the day up.

Grammar: There are places where I felt that things could be tightened up or worded differently. I gave you some suggestions. Just remember most of it is my opinion.

Just my personal opinion: I enjoyed the descriptions. I could easily feel and see the setting.

Sephina

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Line by Line:

The sun was shining, it was going to be a beautiful day. I would suggest dropping the last part of the sentence, as you show it's a beautiful day later. The first day of Summer, June 21st. A day for playing outdoors and treasuring the warmth of the sun, as Summer made her way into our lives. It had been a harsh winter that lasted clear through spring. Normally the seeds would have been planted in the gardens around late April or mid May. Not this year. The ground was still frozen then. Now though, the sun was out and the frost was gone.I would suggest using more active verbs than was. Maybe: Now the sun beamed down and had chased the frost away. The trees were in full bloom and the birds were singing in their branches. It was a great day for taking a hike.Hm... Maybe: I decided to take a hike. Or: the day beaconed me to take a hike.

Packing a lunch, I left the house and began crossing the fields behind the shed out back. Just a few more fences to climb, and I would be at the base of the mountain. The fields were alivelived? with dancing wild flowers of many colors. It was here Crayola drew her muse for creating new crayons. There was every color for the painter's palette out here in the wilderness.Every color of the painter's palette existed out here in the wilderness.?

A slight breeze took the sting out of the sun as it rose in the sky. Cool enough to almost quench your thirst, but leaving just enough warmth that you contemplated taking off your long sleeve shirt and continuing on in your tank top.Instead of using you, I would suggest making it more personal and use I. Cool enough to almost quench my thirst, but leaving me just warm enough to... etc. The hike was an easy one, I had done it many times before. If I wasn't so afraid of the dark, I could probably do it without the light of day to see by.

I stopped half way up the mountain to enjoy my lunch. Looking back over the surrounding valley offered a beautiful view. This sentence sounds a little off to me. Maybe: Looking back, I took in the beautiful view the valley offered.Peace and serenity were all you could feel when taking in this view.Here is another sentence I would make more personal. Have the peace and serenity wash over the character instead of saying you. I was tilting my head back to swallow the rest of my water, when I felt the change around me.

Looking back now, I would say that it was the calm before the storm. The silence was so profound and intrusive that it was deafening, for I couldn't hear a thing. The birds had all gone quiet. The trees weren't rustling to and fro any longer. The tall grass stood like soldiers waiting. Everything was waiting. For what?

I looked around me searchinged earth and sky to find the source of this strange creeping sensation. I couldn't see it, I more sensed it'sits approach. After what seemed like several minutes, I saw and heard at the same time the suspect. A long thin gray line was just clearing the horizon. It was silent, well at first any way.At first, it was silent. As it grew closer it filled all space behind it, becoming darker as it made it's approach. It brought with it a moan that increased to a shriek then a wail.

It was here, rushing at me. As the gray sky clouded above me, the once slight breeze that had ceased to exist found the courage to muster up a gail of profound proportions. It became a wall of bricks that struck without warning. I was thrown backward with the blow. The blow threw me backward. 'was thrown' is passive.This wall of fury seemed to engulf me as it moved forward. The sun disappeared. Thick ash began to burn my skin as it rushed at me from the sky. Wait. This wasn't ash, it was snow. Snow that was being blown so hard and so fast, it felt like little pellets of heat igniting my skin. It was painful. My eyes were just open with a squint for I couldn't see with the wind blowing it'sits wrath at me anyway. I looked aroundsearched for some sort of shelter. If I could make it to the patch of trees a few yards away, I might find some protection.

I closed my eyes, drawing forth the strength and courage to muster myself into movement. In that instance time stopped. Silence surrounded me. I opened my eyes and blinked. With that shutter of my lids, the sun re-appeared with its warmth and protection.

Had I imagined this.question mark What just happened.question mark Looking down, I saw the trace of droplets in the dust at my feet. Turning slowly around, I scanned the sky. No, not an illusion, it was the last hurrah of father winter Since you capitalized Summer earlier, I would consider doing the same to Father Winter. as he headed off into the mountains, taking his breath of snow and bristling cold with him. The wall of bitter rage was marching on-ward as nothing could stop it. I watched that force of nature disappear into the wilderness of hibernation.

It was going to be a very weird day. I had to walk home yet, and I wasn't sure of what had just happened. I did know this though: "Seasons Come and Seasons Go". Maybe though, they didn't all like to leave. I would suggest rewording this something like, I thought, seasons coma and seasons go, but I guess they didn't all like to leave.


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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Aw... I'm sure you appreciate one of your most embarrassing moments featured on our review group. *Frown*

This does sound like something that could be used in story. I want to find out more about the guy trying to go out with you! It sounds like you have some good experiences to draw on for some story ideas.

Sephina

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Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this story and having two of my favorite things and all, vampires and fairies. *Bigsmile*
I would love to see this be a longer story though. The dark pixie vs. vampires sounds really interesting. Since there was a word count at the bottom, it seems like this may have been written for a contest.
This short little piece seems like it has so much potential if it could be lengthened.
All the same an interesting, cute little story. *Smile*

Sephina
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13
Review of For I love  Open in new Window.
Review by Sephina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I don't write or read much poetry anymore so I don't have much to say or anything to offer in the way of suggestions.
I did like the imagery in the fourth stanza a lot. The descriptions are good throughout.
This is obviously a heartfelt piece and the emotion comes across strong and clear.

Sephina

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