I'm very partial to any peotry that rhymes, and this one was quite excellent. You were able to put all the thought and emotion into it that any poem can accomplish--even those that do not rhyme, where they are not bound by a limited number of words that will work.
I thought you pulled it all together expertly in the last stanza--the last line actually really did it.
I would have given this a (5), but I didn't particularly like these two lines:
"Falls in love with the wrong one.
And almost wishes she had a gun."
Sorry, but I guess after reading your other work I just expected better. However, everything else was worth a (5) in my point of view.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
As I said in my review of your prologue to this, it was so good that I had to go right to your portfolio and read more. Not only is this some of the best writing that I have ever had the privilege to read, but it is amazingly flawless--especially since you stated it is a "Rough Draft - Not complete."
[“Mary?” A man appeared around the corner of the large fireplace who I’d never seen before. I would have remembered this one.] I think you should have used "whom" in this sentence.
I am totally impressed with your writing. Another High-Five on this one.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
This is absolutely splendid writing: flawless imagery, emotional passion and sensitivity, superb in its subtle execution of actions and reactions, impressive deliberation and reflection of thought, and it all comes through to the reader so easy and real.
I do not give a (5) lightly; I have to be truly impressed. After reading this, I immediately went to your portfolio and read the first chapter. Needless to say, I was equally impressed.
Just excellent writing in every sense. Definitely a High-Five on this.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
Very nice, and quite unique. I am giving this a (5) for originality, as well as inspiration. What a great way to thank everyone at once and give them extra gift points for reviewing your writing.
Your advise is short and to the point--and should be well-received. Also, letting others know they aren't the only ones who have received a bad review at one time or another is good.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
A great surprise ending on this poem. You have taken something that seemed horrible and desperate, and at the last moment made me laugh. How great is that!
I would almost say this reads like a joke if it weren't so poetic in the way it is written.
I can't see how anyone could give this anything but a high-five!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
This has a uniquely interesting concept within the words of the poem--or should it be a song lyric? Upon rereading it, I would think it could easily be classified as a hymn.
Nearly every line rhymes with itself if broken in half, and I find this a very interesting concept indeed--or maybe the stanzas should have been eight lines rather than four.
Very nice work!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I almost gave this a (4). It feels as though you were extremely depressed when you wrote this one. I guess I am just not in the mood for these emotions tonight. The rhyming was okay; it could have read smoother.
The one line that made me decide to give this a (4.5) was the last line of the poem:
"words can win hearts and minds is my belief."
I thought this was very profound and said so much in so few words.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I give the first stanza a (5), but the second only a (4). So, it meets in the middle with a (4.5).
The first rhymes and reads extremely perfectly, but the second is choppy and does such an emotional turn around. It is almost like the first was written in the morning and the second was written late at night after an especially crappy, lousy, bummer of a day.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
This poem was so depressing to read that it caused me to dislike it even though the thoughts and feelings were expressed quite well. I also felt it did not read smoothly enough to warrant a real high score.
Fourth stanza, second line, contraction, "thats" should be that's.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
In the U.S. we spell it realize--third line of stanzas one, five, and nine.
Anyone who has had a love die on them--which is probably most people at one time or another--can certainly relate to these words. It tells it like it is, and how anyone in that situation would feel--whether they will admit it or not.
This would make a great Country & Western song!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
This is very clever and upbeat. I really-really-really liked the first two lines. They had me hooked right from the start.
It all read so smoothly and rhymed so nicely; another great love poem. I particularly liked the way the title was incorporated into the end of each stanza.
High-five on this one!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I think this poem has captured the feelings of many people who will never admit it. Anyone who has been married for many many years can probably relate to at least a few parts within this poem, even if they are quite happily married--or think they are.
As I have come to expect from your writing, you have brought out emotions that few people can in their writing. Keep it up.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
Maybe not as many people can relate to this as I can. Many years ago, I got talked into selling Fuller Brush products. I barely lasted long enough to pay for the starter kit I had to buy. What a disaster! This little poem captured my feelings so precisely.
I would have given it a (5), but what happened to the last two lines of the second stanza. Everything else rhymes, so these that do not seem completely out of place.
I have a suggestion: try changing "torn and raw" to "torn to the core." What do you think?
Try to persuade till their soul's torn to the core.
Good display of feeling in this one.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I love the way this speaks; another unique concept.
When reading the following line, a thought suddenly crossed my mind: How neat it would be if you were to produce a select group of poems that all had the word "anticipation" in them.
"I shiver in anticipation,"
I would have given this one a (5), but it didn't rhyme, and as I have said before--I am extremely partial to rhyming peotry. I know this isn't fair, but it is the way I feel. It is so much harder to make something rhyme and still say what you want to say.
A very provocative little poem. Great work as always.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I keep expecting to--sooner or later--read something you have written that I will not like so well and give you a (3.5) or (4). I keep telling myself that nobody can write good every time. Yet somehow, you are proving me wrong.
I think people like your poetry so very much because we can all relate to most everything you write in one way or another. Your poems tell us how we feel, and that is quite an accomplishment.
Keep up the good work.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
You should not feel amazed that people are giving your writing great reviews. You should feel gratified, happy, and blessed--but you should never doubt yourself.
I will let you in on a little secret. Take out something that you wrote way back when and have not looked at for years. Try to read it like you have never seen it before. When you find yourself saying, "Wow, did I really write this?" and amazed that it came from your hands, then you will stop feeling amazed that other people like it.
Let yourself enjoy your poetry and writing as much as others do, and you will realize just how good you are. Keep it going! We all want to read more!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
After reviewing so many of your poems in the past, I have truly enjoyed reading a bit of the story behind them.
Many great poets experienced a great number of tragedies in their lives. I suppose that has to be a part of having the true emotions there to give to the world. After reading, "The Ones Not Meant To Be," I believe that you have a destiny to fulfill, and I believe you will do it with honor.
I did not notice and punctuation or grammar mistakes, but was so wrapped up in the dialogue that I may have missed something.
Great writing as always.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I have never been to a writer's conference, but thanks to this poem I now have a glimpse of what it would be like. Not just the physical act of being there, but rather the emotional ups and downs that I might experience.
As always, your poetry relays the true feelings of your heart in a way that only you can communicate.
Keep up the great work!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
This poem tore me up to read it. As a mother of four, I cannot imagine the grief you must have felt.
I have an aunt, a sister to my mother, who lost six children. The first was two years old when she died. She later gave birth to twins who died shortly after birth. Next came the triplets--the first died at two days of age, another a day or so later, and the last one was nearly a week old. A couple of years later she had twins again. It was touch and go for a while, but they both lived. And so, out of eight children, only two survived.
The way you can relay your feelings is truly a gift to be shared with the world.
High-five on this poem!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
The thoughts here were excellent. The theme of the story told within this poem shows how life comes full circle. Betty was able to reap what she had sown.
I like the way the first two stanzas end with:
"...and quite unplanned,
Betty would come to me and hold my hand."
And then, the last stanza ends with:
"quite unplanned; it was my turn to hold her hand."
Another superb poem!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
This poem reads rather long--the sentences that is. Yet, I suppose it has to, in order to say all that it does. As with all tragedies or acts of war, the consequences are grim.
In these words you have wrapped up the feelings of all involved.
This is my favorite line, which seems to steal the show:
"A child breaks away and then places a simple single rose"
This so adeptly reinforces how "all" lives are touched.
Another outstanding poem!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
Not only was I moved by the content of this poem and what it had to say, but I thought it was very cleverly diplayed.
The second stanza begins with the words, "Two contrasts" and right at this point you change colors from red in the first stanza to black in the second. You then follow through with blue for the last stanza. A great way to bring out the contrasts between rich and poor in this country. The only thing that might be more symbolic would be to have a colored background that would lend itself to red, "white," and blue for the three stanzas.
Great work as always!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I feel that this is one of those poems that can fit a multitude of situations. It is kind of like reading your horoscope: no matter what happens, you can make it fit somehow.
A generally happy little theme makes this the ultimate uplift for anyone. Just close your eyes and let the words take you away.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
This is so sad. It taps into the feelings of watching the innocent when abandoned. Two children, left to wonder why, maybe even thinking as they grow older that they had done something wrong.
One of your other poems covers betrayal, yet this one encompasses both abandonment and betrayal so completely in one little scene.
Truly an work of art.
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
I love your "love poems," and this one is the ultimate. A tragic story with a happy ending for the immediate characters involved. Not exactly a "love story" per se; it is so much more than a mere love story. Can there be any greater love than the love and fierce protective instincts that a mother feels for her children?
These last lines of the poem say it all:
"Even though they tried
To run out, to live,
I ran in to give
Love like no other,
The love of a mother."
These feelings could not be put to words any more precisely. High-five on this!
Sandra Hookham (horsetrainer)
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sh5349
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 7:39am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
