What can be changed:
Title: Uneasieness should be Uneasiness
I understand that you are trying to build suspense, and that is commendable but the unexplained mention of Rako in the first paragraph is simply confusing.
There are several grammatical errors. Please reread.
Elkron's hunger rant is where I became interested. From this point on your writing was more engaging, and your descriptions of where the characters were headed and were they were didn't leave me feeling confused. Additionally the first part feels very much like cliched tv. The remainder feels as though you understand and know, for the most part, what you are writing about.
My Likes:
Elk put a hand to his heart. “I am deeply offended Ánra. For your information, I too was up, laboring over this wondrous bow of mine, my partner in thought and soul, the epitome of my talents here.”
This is precisely where you got me interested.
Keep writing you've got something here.
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You can merge these sentences with a comma if you remove the period. Then when no one else is around to play with you become a sports expert with knowledge in everything from softball to marbles. With a little helpful knowledge of skateboards and bikes thrown in for good measure.
In the fourth paragraph, third sentence his should be he:
Dad is there and helps when his is home.
My Likes:
The piece flowed nicely. A true testimony to mothers and the way we see them.
Just remember mom that even in the smallest and youngest of minds they are plotting new problems and questions for you to attempt to solve to their satisfaction at first morning’s light. For you are mom!
Write On!
P.S. - I just saw this in my review box and realized I didn't send it out before. Please forgive my lateness.
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Tim finds himself in need of a stray cat's safety to ensure his own.
What can be changed:
I find this quote, specifically the last sentence, to be a bit confusing.
"I'm not asking you to look after her, just let her out if you see her pawing at any door. Wait by the door until she comes back. She is just a bit timid just now and likes to look back at me standing at the door."
He had to speak out here, nothing or no-one could replace or take away that bond been human and master.
When does Tim turn to Jules? It is made clear in the second paragraph that he does several actions with his back turned to her. It is not noted where he turns to her to be able to tell her posture and what she is carrying in paragraph eight. Please be aware that I am assuming that the story is being told by Tom in the third-person since it is only his perspective which is made available to us.
Is it deliberate that the dialogue bits below don't make use of punctuation marks?
"Replace Tiger—no cat ever could" - p7
"Either way, see that she gets out—or you can do the grocery shopping" - p9
The exclamation at the end of the first sentence in paragraph thirteen seems useless as the same information and emotion is conveyed without it.
The first sentence of paragraph sixteen can be split into three sentences, the second 'they' should be 'we', and a bit more punctuation could be added to the second sentence also:
Jules insisted that they keep her. The night she brought her home he could see that she already had the bond. Her reasoning for this— we were talking about getting you another cat anyway. They had been. Yes, he had to admit that, but somewhere off the in future not now and he imagined getting a rescue pet, not rescuing one.
Three-quarters of the story is in bold. This is a tad distracting especially since it occurs in the middle of a sentence.
Paragraph twenty repeats bits from earlier paragraphs but they do not draw the reader in any further. It is suggested that more detail be given about the cat without repeating unless it adds to the story. The 'but' should be an 'and'.
You can omit the 'n' from 'Northeastner' in paragraph twenty-four. The second sentence in paragraph twenty-six can be omitted.
At this point in the story inserting a description of the type of husband Tim thinks he is subtracts form the rescuing of Sparkle. You may consider describing how the weather was affecting the rescue of the cat. The description of the tree could be tightened so that less words are used while still delivering the importance of it. Suspense is useful but unnecessary information takes away from the suspense and breaks the flow of your story.
Be sure to re-read the story there are a few typographical and minor grammatical errors.
My Likes:
Paragraph twenty-four does a good job of distracting the reader from the cat, and its possible predicament.
The story kept my interest until the end. It was different. (I don't usually read pieces about pets, or animals in general.) The very end shocked me. I enjoyed that...a lot. :)
You tightened the reigns on your writing towards the end of the story. Keep practicing, and keep writing.
Write On!
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Simple, to the point. A woman scorned isn't to be messed with. Once burned, always aware. I like the mentioning of stiletto heels and cowboy boots. It gives the feel of a fashion savvy woman who isn't afraid to get a little dirty, or very dirty.
Revenge is so sweet, or so they say.
Thanks for sharing.
Write On!
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There are two commas after Editing one of which should be omitted.
My Likes:
I absolutely love it. Every line has been experienced. The life of a writer who is content to share and enjoy others, to push and be pushed, while pushing. I've learned so much, grown so much on WDC, through WDC.
Your words are my own.
Thank you for speaking, writing, that which we have all felt.
Write On!
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"New Prompt" : Write a Short Story, Essay or Poem it should reflect on the Beauty of Summer and/or Love.
You did a good job following the given prompt.
What I liked:
I enjoyed the transitions and the manner in which they were executed.
Your descriptions are captivating. This story highlights your storytelling ability. Your observation really pays off.
I would never have imagined reading a story of this sort, written so well that it would draw me into itself so easily, so entirely.
Changes which can be made:
The cookie crumbs calmly floating
The above phrase implies that the crumbs have control of how they float. I think that the manner in which they float depends on the state of the water. For that reason the above can be rephrased.
water stood
The position of the water in my estimation is in a horizontal position. 'Lay' can be used to replace 'stood'.
It is noted in the first paragraph that some ants take some time for leisure. To incorporate this in the last sentence the phrase 'and play' could be added.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
"June Prompt" : Nursery rhymes and fairy tales; we've grown up with them. Take a fairy tale or a nursery rhyme of your choice and write a story with that as your prompt.
You did a good job following the given prompt.
What I liked:
'Mirror! Mirror!' was a pleasure to read. The piece held my interest throughout. The plot was creative, and your writing has the tone of fairy tales, both draw the reader into the story.
The end of paragraph 14 seems to foreshadow the abortion of Durinda's baby. I love the twist. Nice red-herring.
The last sentence spoken by the main character ends the piece perfectly.
So, mirror mirror on the wall...whose the fairest one of all?
Changes which can be made:
The corrections mentioned pertain to the structure and grammar.
Your use of words helps set the pace. Sometimes using less words is the key to maintain the reader's interest.
Do not repeat, unless it enhances the piece.
Punctuation is important: it helps the reader to better understand the piece/ what is being said. Its placement changes the way sentences are read, understood and also their meaning.
2nd paragraph - only to be left with nothing can be omitted without harming the piece.
3rd paragraph - The first 'a' should be omitted because it takes away from the piece. He is a nothing:
The second to last sentence would add more substance, if it were made the last sentence. Durinda, I forbid you to marry him!
5th paragraph - change 'as' to a comma (,( in the second sentence away could also be omitted. she soon began to see what a horrible mistake she had made as gradually her love faded away.
14th paragraph - (Typo) Omit the space between she and 'd.
16th paragraph - of this can be removed.an old face poked her head out of the door. sounds a bit odd and can be re-worded.
17th paragraph - for a second of the first sentence and the first word of the second and third sentences; But and And can also be omitted.
25th paragraph - In the last sentence intoshould be changed to in. Also tempting can be changed to begging for clarity. ...remained engraved into her mind, constantly whispering to her, tempting to be spoken
28th paragraph - In the last sentence, a comma(',') can be added for clarity. Hearing that something inside of Durinda snapped and she refused to take no for an answer.
29th paragraph - Since only one book was mentioned in the piece there is no need to repeat the book she had stolen. The last three words can be removed.
32nd paragraph - Here less words can be used to put over the emotional aspect more effectively. It's not for me it's for, just as she was saying that, and snatched them up can be removed.
33rd paragraph - In the first and fifth sentences just, who and as person can be removed without changing the meaning.
Also in the fifth sentence, as quickly as can be changed to quicker than. Both Narissa and Miriam had entered Durinda's life gradually while in their death it could be said that they were ripped away suddenly (without warning ans completely unlike their entrances).
Parts of the third and seventh sentences contradict each other. The third state with each curse...her emotions numb. while the fifth says that she was Forcing herself to be calm. When one's emotions becomes numb there is a calm.
35th paragraph - In the second sentence, read over this can be changed to re-read a. The latter flows more smoothly. Since the spell isn't specified at this stage the article a is more appropriate.
In the third sentence, that day is unnecessary and can be omitted.
42nd & 43rd paragraphs - The last sentence of the forty-third paragraph reads So, mirror mirror on the wall...whose the fairest one of all?" But it was never mentioned before that be put the mirror on the wall simply that be held it up to his face in the thirty-ninth paragraph.
I suggest that you continue the forty-second paragraph in this manner: But his words were drowned out by her hysterical cackle. He saw her face as thouigh through a this mist, as she propped the mirror on a wall.
whose should be who's, the contraction of who is.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
"April Prompt" : Your challenge is to write a limerick. It can be about anything you want.
You did a good job following the given prompt.
What I liked:
The last line invited thoughts on freedom within captivity which can be seen in all areas of society. Without captivity there's no need to yearn for freedom. I am a captive, but my thoughts shall be free this day was a perfect end to the poem which was both thoughtful and lightly humorous.
Changes which can be made:
The usage of straight smack, though it is in keeping with the flow, causes a grammatical hiccup. One or both words can be replaced.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
As I read there was no give away whatsoever. The piece held my attention entirely.
At the end I couldn't help but enjoy a really good laugh. You really followed the prompt in "Invalid Post" well.
It would seem that a bit more emotion can be added to the first section for the strengthening of the piece. Though it held my attention the emotional side was not as strong as it could be.
It contained some unnecessary words and phrases.
I had to think on that for a moment. Was I okay? Well, no, my mother was dead. My face told her what words couldn’t. No, I really was not okay. I finally managed to find my voice.
In the above less would be better.
Write On!
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The word went in line 1 can be removed without disrupting the flow.
The I's in lines 2, 6, 9 and 11 - 12 should be capitalized.
Though it held my interest, the piece could be made captivating with the use of constant rhyming and the removal of the unnecessary words. Then can be removed from the poem entirely.
My Likes:
The story told through this poetic form was an interesting one.
Write On!
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Merlin the Magician has chosen YOU to be his new prodigy and learn all of his deepest and most magical secrets in wizardry.
Write a short story explaining why YOU were chosen over all who live in Camelot and what you hope to learn from this wise and wonderful wizard in King Arthur's Court.
You did a good job following the given prompt.
The Plot:
A young girl with a strange gift is given the choice of living to protect or dying to protect.
What I liked:
The story line was different from the expected and welcomed.
Changes which can be made:
In several sections a lot of unneccesary words were used.
Instead of I felt my stomach growl, My stomach growled could replace it.
I reached down can be eliminated from I reached down and grabbed one of the cats
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
This acrostic piece brings across it's question clearly with questions about the world on both sides. The form and expression used are both held throughout and help to add a sense of desperation.
The picture above adds also and I most say...I'm quite in love with it especially the pupil.
Please reread, capitalize the pronoun I and include the apostrophes in the contractions. There are a few unnecessary words which can be omitted for stronger expression. Line 4-right back isn't needed.
I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item" .
The Prompt:
Anything of the writer's choosing.
The Plot:
A young boy, falls into a coma after being fally injured. Though in a coma his mind is very alert, and he makes the decision to create a perfect world during his coma.
What I liked:
The imagery was vivid and allowed the reader to become tangled quickly.
This is a good opening and your cut off point is the perfect cliffhanger.
Changes which can be made:
I would have preferred if a bit of fantasy was included...for the purpose of the contest.
The tense is switched from past to present then to past agin within the following sentence. It would be better if the past tense was used as it was before and after.
She sat down and her long blonde hair hangs down as she laid her face in her hands.
A word seems to be missing in the sentence below.
He figured since he couldn’t move nor speak, or open his eyes what had happened to him.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item" .
The Prompt:
Anything of the writer's choosing.
The Plot:
Kothm takes seven year old son, Mino on a hunting trip and he had let the rabbit go. Kothm in consoling his son's sorrow tells him a story about his past, hunting magical creatures, following his heart and meeting Mino’s mother.
Overall Thoughts:
I was captivated from beginning to end. The emotions were clearly expressed, and the flow was consistent.
It seemed a little odd that the boy would find his food cute...but I guess that does happen. The thought that they might be vicious crossed my mind at first, but it was clarified by their domestic way of living, credited to family life.
Are nekitas throwing knives?
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item" .
What can be changed:
A bit of formatting can be done, especially in the area of dialogue. It would make the piece easier to follow if teach speaker was awarded a separate paragraph, instead of a line.
The dream and reality can also be made to occupy separate paragraphs.
The actions of Ashleigh are quite different from the words spoken to Azia in the beginning. They are quite contradictory.
My Likes:
The point of controlling ones life instead of being controlled by another or a disability is clearly brought forth.
The expression was clear.
Overall Thoughts:
Her hands weren't mentioned when he pinned her down by putting his knee in her stomach...I was wondering about them.
How concentrated was the acid? Depending on the concentration, how much damage would really have been done over two days without treatment?
How much of her face did the acid get on? Spraying usually causes substances to go on the surrounding area(s).
Would someone with Jason's character have stopped at simply spraying...or dousing?
I am no expert in biology or psychology, these are simply questions which sprung to mind.
I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item" .
What can be changed:
In the third paragraph, the third sentence is a repeat of the second.
My home is my domain, I could measure the house in steps from any object to any wall, sideways or diagonally. My home is my domain, I could measure the house in steps from any object to any wall, sideways or diagonally.
In fourth sentence of the same paragraph, orange is misspelled.
glass of oreange juice
In the last paragraph, second to last sentence, I believe woman should be plural.
Besides, woman love a guy in Ray-Ban sunglasses
My Likes:
The optimistic tone could be felt clearly throughout the piece. In collaboration with the words being read it adds to the effect of one who has accepted and is content with himself.
Overall Thoughts:
I find it odd that the character gave up coffee because of the incident mentioned. Was tea also given up due to the damage it too can cause if spilled?
For entering "Invalid Item" and sharing your piece, thank you.
Write On!
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