Hello Ezra! I think you've done an excellent job in creating the imagery and conveying the perspective of your poem. Your choice of terminology paints vivid pictures in the mind.
Wow! I really enjoyed reading this! Good job keeping the two correspondents' voices distinct from one another. You managed to immediately introduce the reader to the setting, circumstance, and points of view in the dialog, and as someone who wrote letters to my grandparents as a kid, I appreciated the sincerity you've managed to capture here. You have a talent for this style of writing, as well!
This was concise and still managed to convey a great sense of melancholy and emotion. Your use of lowercase letters at the beginning of sentences and clauses add to the sense of thoughts being expressed as one thinks them, like the reader has a glimpse into the mind of the person who is reminiscing. Your choices of words were quite good as well; you have managed to convey specific ideas and sensations with the vocabulary you've employed, which is not a common thing to see these days! I hope you keep writing; this is a medium in which you are gifted.
Wow. This is powerful. I like your initial hook, the viewpoint of the little boy; it really drives home the effect of his mother's lifestyle. The redemptive ending is excellent, the mom working to remedy her relationship with her son. I love the simple yet poignant narrative style you've employed; it fits the perspective of the piece. Thank you for sharing this!
-Ceredir
Lou, you've captured the curiosity and determination of a child perfectly! Your description of Maisey and her exuberance in visiting her grandmother despite the rain paints a picture of innocence and simplicity. Maisey's excitement in her statement, "I'm gonna be so wet when I get to Grandma's" is almost a microcosm of a young child's outlook on the world: things to be experienced, not problems to be overcome. I greatly enjoyed this! -Ceredir
jayne summer: how heartbreaking! You've definitely captured the emotion of a fading relationship or having to say goodbye to a loved one. The line that really got me was "Love can't be denied...or rectified"; it really brings home the hopeless feeling of such a situation. Thanks for posting this poem!
Amay, I love the raw feeling and conflict of emotion you've captured in this piece. You conveyed great depth and heartache as well as resolve and determination without being wordy, and the use of questions at the end launches the situation into the readers' minds as they work out what the character's next step will be. I really enjoy this! -Ceredir
Fyn, I enjoyed reading this poem! The rhythm added to the story rather than detracting attention from it, and the phrases flowed seamlessly to paint the pictures of a girl climbing a tree, the angel catching her as she falls, and the child's complete ease and calm as she explains that she was in no danger. Thank you for sharing this!
Ice Dragoness, I love Agatha Christie, and the tone and setting of your piece reminds me of so many aspects of her work! Your initial descriptions and history were well paced, and the narrative set up from the attorney's point of view was quickly established. I found it very smooth reading through the final events.
My critique would be that the reading of the will seems halted by the description of Grantham; Maizee's brief lasts only a paragraph, whereas Grantham's takes two, and includes mention of the manservant character not entirely necessary to the plot (at least within the context of the shorter piece). The only other point to which I'd draw attention is that the situation escalates very quickly, without much buildup to the finale...but such things happen in life as well as fiction.
I quite enjoyed reading this! You have a talent with this style and genre!
Soldier_Mike, this piece is very humorous and entertaining. Your matter-of-fact, straightforward delivery enhances the comedic effect, yet at the same time one could easily assume this actually came from a real newspaper! I found this most engaging! -Ceredir
Hi Bubblegum Jones. The "fill in the blank" story is a fun concept! There is certainly a wide spectrum of terminology covered in this story. One idea for clarity might be if all the words replacing the "blanks" were differentiated from the standard text format (be it bold, capitals, italics, etc.). I find this idea very unique and entertaining!
What a good reminder to focus on the positive even amid tough circumstances! I like the conversational tone of this piece; it's easy to read, and your phrasing flows well. Your word choices are meaningful and powerful; "fledgling optimism" and "unyielding discipline" aren't terms one hears often, and you've used them effectively!
I suggest no alterations. Well done!
Fran, you have an excellent power of description. This poem drew me in from the first line, and it has quite a thriller aspect. You aptly suggested the occurrences over which the raven crows without being too specific; the perpetrator and victim's actions are skillfully sketched, and your style allows the mind to fill in the blanks.
I found this thoroughly engaging.
This is such a sweet poem. As a pet owner, I often wonder what goes through the animals' minds when their "person" leaves for awhile, and you've put words to the disappointed expressions on their faces. I thought your choice of phrases, being "listless", "moping", really painted a picture of a puppy sitting on the porch eagerly awaiting their master's return. I enjoyed this!
What a sweet poem! Writing for the next generation before they come into the world is wonderful, and your anticipation and love for this little one is evident in the tender phrases you've used. On the whole I'd say you've stayed consistent to the title and expounded on what your dream has looked like in the past and in whom it culminates in the near future; the one critique I'd offer is when the strict timeframe is mentioned ("three years of dating", etc.), it interrupts the fluidity of "past to future" and makes one stop in the middle. Very minor, though, and I enjoyed this poem immensely!
Congratulations, by the way!
Wow! You have a great talent with word pictures; the different characters sprang to life in my mind like I knew them. The inner struggles are well portrayed and the heartache is palpable. I liked the resolution in the last paragraph, as it added an almost redemptive quality to quite a sad story. I appreciated this.
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