Short, punchy, to the point, and direct. I gave you a 3.5 not because it's bad, but because I look at your work, and I see that there's clearly potential there, and with a little more attention to detail, you could ramp up the intensity of your work significantly.
Well written. Obviously, I won't comment on plot, since this is part of a larger work, but there are a few things that I feel would make the action flow a little more smoothly.
NOTE!!!! This is a looong review! Don't let that scare you! When I first started writing, this kind of review freaked me out, but look at it this way-- if I didn't think your work had potential, I wouldn't devote this much time to it!  Also, there are more compliments-- but I hid them at the end, so you'll have to read the rest to get to them.
First, your descriptions tend to be rooted in reality, as with the young man desperately trying to avoid his attacker. But I feel like beginning the story with the larger, more skilled man on top of him with a knife out strains credulity a bit; I feel like once the man has his dirk out, he would just stab him in the stomach, in the chest, anywhere, rather than waste effort going for the throat. However! Starting with the body hitting the ground is good. You could have the boy scramble to his feet just before the attacker gets to him, something of that nature. In writing action scenes, helpless situations are tense; situations where the aggressor stops short of the killing blow for dramatic purposes are cliche.
A few punctuation/grammar/spelling notes:
"A plume of road dust exploded up around the body of the young lad, flat on his back and gasping for air."
Problem! Misplaced modifiers-- this sentence basically is saying that the plume of road dust, which is flat on his back and gasping for air, exploded up around the body of the young lad.
Instead, use a pronoun: "Sprang up around the body of the young lad who lay flat on his back, gasping for air."
"The attacker drew his dirk from the leather holder tied to his leg as he straddled atop of the young man, intent on making the final kill, he grabbed the knot at the top of his dark hair and yanked his head to the side." I would refer to the 'leather holder' as a sheathe. In addition, "straddled atop of" is redundant-- if you're straddling something, you're already on top. Just say "straddled the young man."
But the real issue I have with this sentence is just that- it's all one sentence. When a man sees a sentence that long, well, he gets mighty confused. Break it up into pieces-- the instinct to write long, complex sentences is better than the instinct to always write short, choppy sentences, but as Aristotle says, an excess of something is just as bad as a deficiency.
"His other eye glazed over in throws death" I believe the term you're searching for here is "death throes" which is when people or animals who are recently killed begin twitching while their bodies figure out that they're dead. It's a very good word, but if you use it, really use it! Don't just tell me "he had death throes" Show me! Tell me about how the man twitched out the last of his life-- I know, it's a little morbid, but hey, it's true!
Spelling notes: Grudgenly should be Grudgingly
["nay, nay" raven said, Waiving him off.] Spelled this way, waiving means "releasing of liability or responsibility" such as when you sign a waiver. You're looking for "waving," to describe the motion of the hand.
Style: You use words well. Very well. You are quite the wordsmith, sir or madam, and I tip my hat to you. You clearly have a vivid image of this scene, and I would give you one or two suggestions; use more verbs, use specialized verbs. For example- if I am going to take something out of someone else's hand, that doesn't belong to me, would you rather read a sentence:
"Ben took the teddy bear from his brother's hand"
or "Ben snatched/tore/ripped the teddy bear from his brother's hand"
Verbs are wonderfully versatile, and they're like any other tool; there's always a perfect one for the job.
Try to avoid repetion, and do your best not to say things twice! 
"Thin brown hair, falling loose from his braid, fell from his balding forehead and whipped about in an errant breeze"
This is a beautiful sentence- errant breeze, great term- except! If it's falling loose from his braid, you don't need to say it fell from his balding forehead, do you? You could either make it shorter-- "Thin brown hair fell loose from his braid and his balding forehead to whip about in an errant breeze" OR you could find a way to say it without repeating two different forms of "fall"
Whew. Done with criticism. On to things I like!
The dialogue at the end. Your gruff, tell-it-like-it-is Torvall is a fun character to listen to, and Raven's disdain is almost palpable. I feel like your action scene is very well written, and could even be extended-- many new authors don't want to write very long action scenes, because they don't want to run the risk of letting action replace plot. However, in this case, I feel like action could drive plot-- let your imagination run free. An extra paragraph of desperate combat would be welcome! You definitely make the reader curious-- I don't know how old you are/ what stage of life you're in, but my advice as a not-very-wise college student is this; short fiction rocks! Every fantasy author you've read, I guarantee, started with short fiction. It can be daunting, trying to make a whole story fit into a short space, but will teach you a lot about your craft. I will definitely be checking out your portfolio! Let me know if you have any questions/comments/concerns... and please, WRITE ON!!!! If you do another draft of this or make changes, email me and I will gladly review the updated version for you! |
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