This is an EXCELLENT story you've written here. I gave it a 'four' rating because a five means it would have to be PERFECT. With a very little work, it will be. Here are some suggestions.
Reference to high dollar words shouldn't be here because none were said.
Remove the 'uh's' since these are professionals.Except in reference to one brother referring to another by name. Clearly this is okay since it is perfectly understandable why they are a bit unsure of dropping military protocol in favor of family recognition.
Again, the 'uh' in we, uh, we have lots of planning to do... is another 'uh' that shouln't be in here. These men are professionals, no reason to indicate indecisiveness.
In 'finding those tech guys' omit the word, 'guys'. Say only, finding those techs.
In the sentence saying, We're close enough to the village that they might pay us a visit..., omit the word 'that', it is not needed.
Following paragraph to the above one, omit the 'uh's', otherwise the paragraph is perfect. Jake shouldn't appear quite so hesitant, even though anyone would be fearful at this kind of threat, but he is a military man.
..."Oh, dear God..." again, too much fear is shown here in words. Show the worry by saying something like Kyle's face paled visibly... or something similar.
'The air force doesn't thing they can be here until...' substitute 'get' for 'be'. 'Be' makes the sentence weaker.
In the sentence, 'Darkness settled over the land...' The following sentence needs work... 'Dim, if any, light shone...'' Again a very weak sentence. Try this, "Little if any light shone...'
The colonel, his two aides, Kyle, and Jake... should be: 'The colonel, his two aides with Kyle and Jake...'
The paragraph with: "Here, son, put..."
needs the comma after 'Here' omitted. It is so easy to get too many commas in a story. When in doubt if you are right, it is always better to err on the side of omitting a comma rather than putting one in.
“Uh, anyone have a watch? Mine filled with too much sand and quit.” He is asking for the time, not the watch. Also, after the ? Instead of saying: Mine filled with too much sand and quit." Say something like this to strenthen and clarify the sentence: Mine quit." or, "Mine quit, thanks to all this sand."
tears dripped from each man’s face.... change this since tears dripped is a bit too much for even military men facing death, say something instead like, ...By the time the recorder was handed to the colonel, each man's eyes were filled with unshed tears.
"I want to let my sons know how proud I am of them both, how much I love them... omit, 'both' since 'them' indicates both sons.
The tarps had been partially torn from their hiding place, too, and the heavy tent had disappeared before the gale. Omit the word, 'too', it is not needed and clutters up the sentence. Also the word 'had', it is not only a passive word, it is not needed in the sentence. Make every word NEEDED or omit it entirely.
You are clearly an excellent writer. A few grammatical errors dot it here and there, also some weak words that could really make the work stand out if omitted or at least substituted for stronger ones. I am looking forward to your coming super success in the craft of writing.
Your friend, Shtara
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