A great story demonstrative of the power of peer pressure and the need to be accepted. This story nicely portrays the reality of what some will do to fit in.
Suggestions: Where Glen says "Not sure how much we'll actually watch it", I would suggest omitting the the word "it", or rephrasing it to "Not sure how much of IT we'll actually watch." The sentence reads a little bit smoother either omitting the "it", or rephrasing the sentence. And where it says "Three boys stepped back while Joe stepped in the center", I would suggest adding the word "the" to the beginning of the sentence. Simple saying "Three boys" makes it ambiguous and could mean that 3 unknown boys appeared and stepped back when actually there are only 3 others boys besides Joe. I think it would be better to add the "the" to specify that the 3 boys that stepped back are the only 3 boys that came to the railroad with him. Again, only a suggestion.
The ending successfully captured the complacent mentality of a person trying to hard to fit in. When trying to fit in becomes the number one thing, even over one's safety, there's a problem. I think the message has been conveyed pretty well and clear. The diction was very realistic in terms of the dialouge between the boys. I enjoyed this. Wrtie on!
The "dreams" the speaker has for the child were just beautiful. The "Flowers that are lollipops" and the trees that "dangle dolls" provided a very vivid image of the "Heaven" that the speaker wants for their child. The third stanza was very deep and very touching.
The last stanza almost brought me to tears, to be honest. There was just so much emotion and feeling in this poem as a whole. The way you embodied this voice of a grieving parent who is also accepting was incredible. This poem is perfection.
A very, very incredible poem. Please keep writing.
Very chilling and suspenseful. You did a great job depicting the horrors of the "un house". I have to admit, I was breathless until the end of the story. This story reeled me in and didn't let me go until the end. Bravo. That's some great writing there.
Suggestions: When he hears Becky scream for the first time, I didn't feel as much fear from him as you'd expect from someone who heard a scream of terror from their friend. I would suggest adding to the line" My dracular fears ended when I heard Becky scream" that his "blood ran cold" or something that would suggest his sudden terror at that certain moment.
Thank you for the satisfyingly scary read. Write on!
An interesting concept here. Some people are constantly on a quest to be included, accepted, and welcomed.
My favorite lines are the final two: "Blessed: those who think for themeselves/and truly live." How true.
Suggestions: I think you have a misspelling in line 13. I think you mean "DESPITE you'd needed to be/wanted, included." I would also suggest changing "you'd needed" to "Despite YOUR NEED TO BE/wanted, included", because I feel it reads a little better that way. Only a suggestion.
What you've written here is real and to the point. A very honest and honorable poem. Thank you for the read. Write on!
I love the fantastic theme throughout the poem. Writing really is a gateway to a new world.
The line "imagine how rich you would be" cals attention to the glorious treasures that are found in the written word.
The allusions to figures of fantasy (Dragons, fairies, etc) further depicts the image of boundless fantasy and possibility that can be found in writing. I find those allusions to be very effective and meaningful.
Extremely powerful. You didn't need a lot of fancy words to make this poem meaningful.
What a brilliant use of stream-of-conciousness. We see the speaker's point of view by their doleful thought pattern and the bleak realizations that highlight the speaker's despondency. The way you depicted the mental state of the speaker was vivid and well-written.
My impression: I'm guessing the speaker's hunger signifies their inability to eat because of their state of mind. Sometimes one can become so dejected that they lose their appetite. And the dirty hands, in my opinion, further signifies the speakers inability to fuction because of their heartbreak.
I would suggest adding a question mark at the end of "What is the point" to make it a question instead of a statement. Also, if this poem is about losing a girl that you once cared for, I would suggest changing "I lost my only purpose" to "I lost the only one that mattered", or something of the sort. Considering it's about a person, and not an object or entity, I think substituting "purpose" for a word that denotes a human being would further demonstrate the feeling of loss. This is only a suggestion. If you have accomplished what you meant to accomplish as it is, then leave it be. This is only my opinion.
I really enjoyed this poem. You did an excellent job expressing the despondent feelings of the speaker. Write on!
I like this poem because the theme comes off to me as a type of plea where the speaker is telling their lover "Let me in. Let me feel what you feel, so we can be closer."
Diction: Simple, yet sophisticated.
Style: Very unique. "Let me peel the weathered skin/ so only sweetness will remian." I'm guessing "sweetness" signifies a comparison between the lover and fruit. Nice use of that.
My impression: I think the speaker wants to be more intimate with their lover by empathizing in their pain and sharing in their bitterness. I think you did well getting your point across. Not too long-winded, and not too short. Great job.
The theme of this poem has a certain "Alice-in-Wonderland" splendor to it, which makes it special. Your use of Synesthesia (I "hear" blue, etc") underlines a sort of fantastic atmosphere that exists in the mind of the speaker. This poem can be understood in so many ways. Very colorful and thought-provoking. You provided the reader with an out-of-this-world mood that paints the true meaning of this poem vividly. Very good job.
The understanding of love presented by the speaker is insightful. My only suggestion would be to omit the word "Gregarious" in the second line. "Gregarious" means that someone is sociable and likes to be around company. The personification of Life as a giver is effective, but the word "gregarious" doesn't fit, in my opinion. I think the word you're looking for may be "various" or "many".
That aside, you did an excellent job with your vivid diction to describe what love means to you. Very poetic and genuine. Great job.
Very interesting poem. I was confused with what you meant by "pulled the trigger", but I'm guessing you mean that figuratively and the gun represents the mouth from which Doc "shoots" his intellect into the brains of his students. "The forty caliber words that shot from his pistol." You did a good job conveying how the "Doc" changed the speaker's way of thinking, as if he "blew" your brains out with his knowledge. (that's how I took it, at least.)
The allusions to Dylan and Clark Kent leads me to believe that you meant to call attention to some of the established figures back during the speaker's childhood in order to emphasize the voice of a youth during that time.
I interpreted the drummer as the man on the inside waiting to break free from the chains of conformity and social expectations. I think the drummer represents all that the speaker wants to be, but decides not to be, because what he wants to be is frowned upon. Nice personification of the drummer. Great use of figurative language all throughout. A very meaningful and well-written.
My impression of the speaker is a person with a kind of masochistic complex.
"Venom spewed into me, but I can't seem to get enough"
A nicely utilized paradox that emphasizes the "hurt-me-so-good" mentality that the speaker demonstrates.
However, masochism may not be the theme here. This is just my interpretation. It could be that the speaker is just smitten with the way they are stimulated physically about the "venomous" person.
My only suggestion would be to add an "a" to "I've come to conclusion", so it would read "I've come to a conclusion". Unless that was intentional.
The anaphora used was effective in establishing a tone of pondering. My impression is of a speaker that is mulling over not only how they got to the place they are, but how they feel about where they are in their life. I think the speaker is undecided about their morale. Where it says "was I suprised when I finally found", I took that to mean the speaker is unsure of how they really feel about it all. (just my interpretation.)
My only suggestion would be to add a comma in line 16 after the word "took", because it sounds like a run-on sentence.
Great use of personificaton to embody the inner child. My impression is that the speaker withdraws into himself from the rest of the world and finds shelter in their inner child.
"He's been set free from my shell"
Did something dramatic happen in the speaker's life that caused him to retreat to his inner child, or caused that child to be set free?
I'm not sure how the final stanza relates to the poem as a whole, but my impression of it is the speaker is daring the reader to do the unthinkable, what would be considered impossible.
I think you have a typo in line 7, where it says "my minds" instead of "our". Line 9,"To be homesick for somewhere I never been", intrigued me. It really is something to consider home to be a place you've never set foot in. That was an excellent paradox. Overall, great poem.
My impression of the poem is an analogy between love and bowling. The "accuracy" needed to make a strike can be related to the accuracy needed to take a "shot" at the heart of the one you love. I think the "big hook players" are those that try to win one's heart in one fell swoop and the "hard and straight release" ones are the ones that woo in increments, "repeating the knacK", gradually winning one's love. I'm just speculating here. =)
The final line was the most provocative. You used metaphor quite nicely throughout. Superb poem.
The use of symbolism was excellent. I took Pain and Pleasure balancing on the teeter-totter to mean that the speaker has an equilibrium point between pain and gratification: The speaker isn't in total bliss, but at the same time isn't hurting. (Not that that's what you meant, that'sjust my interpretation) You did an outstanding job with the extended metaphor. It was consitent and it helped establish the mood. Fantastic poem.
The setting in this poem is palpabe I felt kind of peaceful just reading it. The line that said "Setting the mood of Eden" was a very beautiful touch. The alliteration you used in the first and fourth lines was executed well. The imagery is perfect. Excellent job with this one.
A love poem written well. Very amorous and filled with fervent passion. The tone and mood go hand in hand in this poem. It's sometimes hard for me to write a romantic poem that isn't corny or cliched, but you make it look easy. Keep writing and let your creativity flow. Great job. =)
When you write poems like this, you have a way of conveying what you feel in a manner that isn't superflous or insufficient. You convey what you feel in a manner just right, with a satisfying and outstanding diction. The mood was palpable in this poem. The line that really stood out for me was "I'm her Dad, but I mean nothing". That was really powerful. I really felt that. Please keep writing.
I really felt the longing in this poem, the desire to decrease the distance between two lovers who are seperated by an icy aloofness. I liked the paradox you used about one side of the bed to another being the longest distance. That really emphasized the irony of being so close physically, and so far apart emotionally. This is a very thought-provoking piece. Nice work.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 11:04am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
