This is a lot of fun. I never heard of dust bunnies as a child... was I deprived, or what?
I like this little ditty, it's just a bit of simple happy talk in the middle of a day of big deals. This type of poetry is welcome in lots of places!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I didn't find any typos. The only awkward spot is the last stanza: Life wasn't all worry
Our bunny had fun
Whatever the problem
He'd always outrun
The last line seems incomplete.
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Wow, any relative or friend would be happy to receive a letter from this speaker while on vacation. I like the way you have it organized. Very cool. It sounds like a pleasant trip.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Listening to the forecast of weather
We’re due for several days of sun, said her I know it rhymes kind of, but please swing it around and say listening to the weather forecast... perhaps you could stick in the time of day or something.
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This is cool. The similarities and the differences we see and feel at different ages. Your imagination gives us a good peek behind the eyes of all three of them.
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I would like to see you expand this to solidify portions into actual clear sentences that slow down the motion and the thought and then go back to the flow of all the stuff that runs together. Perhaps this could even be altered into lyrical poetry. The rhymes don't matter, if you establish the rhythm. There is a definite flow here.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
and young, all the world for me, shrinking focused into this singular moment. Awkward: shrinking focused
My newborn son’s pulse against my lips as I kiss their hair unmatched: son's their
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This is an interesting poem. I still like the incandescent yellow streak.
Since most people don't know that there is no 151st psalm in the Bible, it would probably be a good thing to use the second line (definitiong) to say "My song of love" or something to that effect.
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The imagery is unclear. I am sure you have a really creative meaning lurking here, but I can't seem to pull it out. It's dark, then the flash of dawn hits the building and there is a revelation. That's how far it takes me. Please keep working on it!
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
An incandesscent yellow streak incandescent
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Good poem. It has some rough spots, but your language is nicely done. The "Love Come Back" phrase lends a certain rhythm and it is supported in the poem.
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And grant the salvation of morning light. I am not sure this says what you want it to. It seems to say the morning light is the salvation. Is it the morning light of salvation or salvation in the morning light, as after a long period of darkness? On the other hand, it is poetry, so you can leave it obscure, if you wish.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Love come back, guide us through my redemption,
Let us see through the eyes of perfection,
Let us hear the words my soul's been crying,
And lend the touch to know what is dying. The second stanza switches to 'us.' This makes it awkward for the reader.
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Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone! My punishment is due,
At the places that began and ended a lifetime.
This isn't clear. Could it be 'My punishment is due
At the places that begin and end a lifetime.' or perhaps 'My punishment is due,
At the places that began and ended a lifetime ago.'
A doctor to despise,
Because of cutting out hearts.
The comma is not needed.
Hey, this is a cool place to start the story. We find out what happened to the girl and a little about her world.
I really like the way this is moving and I'd like to see more!
I'd like to see you lighten up on your writing style. Tell us things through events and memories and sensory stuff, rather than long sentences. The longer sentences sometimes slow the reader. You don't want to draw attention to your writing, you want to have us dying to know what is on the next line!
Keep going. By the way, I reviewed very carefully to give you some ideas for a while, but I wanted to read the story, so I stopped commenting, except for typos. You know how to write, I'm sure you'll keep batting it around until it is awesome!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
Two more people exited, bumping into her. This is confusing, if people are going out the door behind the clerk, then the clerk would have to be watching that door as well ...
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone! Without papers she had no way to get anything except the most mudane, abysmal paying, slag jobs available. mundane This sentence is awkward. Perhaps fiddle with it: Without papers, she could get only mundane slag jobs that paid little.
Hard hand-labor or degrading jobs that citizens of the different nations wanted nothing to do with. This is next and it needs to become a sentence.
belayed belied
id and ids ID would probably work better, since id is a word from Freudian theory that means the part of the mind that is totally unconscious.
Hey, I like it! It is a good start. Your imagination with the subject matter can really hook the reader. Work on making it a bit more barbed, this proverbial hook.
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A new hallway opened 5th Perhaps a different word than new ...
“Time is not something we have on our hands.” I believe this sentence is more forceful as "Time is not something we have." or "Time is of the essence."
The last two paragraphs are awkward. A bit of rephrasing and thought will make them more clear.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
and raised a grey toned grey-toned 3rd
most died in adolescence, the remainder in puberty adolescence is defined as the period of physical and psychological development from the onset of puberty to maturity. Perhaps you could use early childhood and adolescence.
researcher rung his hands. wrung
Their goals had been the finding of new species and the spread of their vast knowledge of science and technology. Their goals: to find new species and to spread their vast knowledge of science and technology. ... A better word than spread might be disseminate, which means to scatter widely or spread abroad.
The very thought of something being connected to Drex was as lowly as the thought of something being human. the somethings don't match
After gaining access to the facility, he walled walked
Well, it's a folder. It's definitely not a book jacket. I want more! I want color and something to intrigue me. You know, maybe that's what our folders should be: book jackets to hook the visitor, induce them to read the contents, colorful doorways to our imagination. (Note to self: work on folders)
Yep! Here I am to raid your port! You seem to have a formidable protector, a genie of some sort standing at the door. I gave her a warm cookie and a glass of milk and she let me in. Whew!
I really appreciate it when a writer takes the time to decorate the doors to the different areas in their ports. This one makes me feel good, even though it has a dark image of womping from a lady with magic oozing out of her.
Also, the titles make me anxious to get started. All in all a nice folder with no typos, no grammatical corrections, nothing but info that applies!
Hello, Lady! I really love the fact that you know so much about the difference God and Jesus can make in the lives of those that find and rely on him.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I'd like to make a suggestion that would change the focus and the reception of this peace. Write it with I and we all the way through, including yourself in the ones who are seeking and finding. You sounds preachy, but I don't think that's what you meant at all.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Hi! This is an interesting little ditty (which really is a dictionary word for a simple song). It reminds me of hours spent in the classroom in the late spring in central Texas. Sometimes a fly or other bug is so much fun to watch. We are all children inside and delight in things that can walk on the ceiling and walls with grace and ease!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I really like punctuation in poetry and spaces between stanzas to make it easier for the reader, especially on the computer screen. The use of none at all here could be a technique to show the daydream state of the watcher ...
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
This poem is exquisite. It's not any fancier than its subject matter, but it is beautiful. As I read it, I began to picture a sweet choir of children singing the donkey's song at Christmas.
I like it. I have read Dr. LaHaye and I think you did a good job of outlining the types. Of course all of us change and all of us are combinations of more than one type, but today I'm melancholy. Artistic. Creative. Imaginative.
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I think I would have liked to have the four types in bold, at least the first time they were introduced. It is a little hard to remember them when it's been as long as it's been since I studied up on them.
This is a great poem. It's all in the perspective, isn't it? You've gone down the list and named all the ways we change as our children grown. But wait, there's more! When they get to be around 25 or 30, you are suddenly smart and knowledgeable again. I hope it helps to know that.
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No ideas on improvement, this is a good poem.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
This is a very well done poem. It does have a dream-like quality that makes it hard to pin down. I liked the occasional alliteration like 'stormy skies' 'bloom before' and 'Dizzily decomposing'. Fun!
Typos I know, something for everyone!
No typos found.
Poetry should beckon to the reader to come and share a time of togetherness in thought or something. This one definitely beckons and is understandable and fathomless.
You are too funny! I love it! This is a good comedy piece. I can see why you put it in the three that you did, but you might want to change it into Comedy at some point. What contest was it for?
You have done a good job of recalling the age of the second decade of the twentieth century and the war that the infantry fought. Well done.
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In poetry, I find it beneficial to write the stanzas out in prose and insert the punctuation, to set the rhythm, then add and subtract to reinforce the stream of words flowing like I want them to.
For example: Boys line up, whistle blows
Men go over the top in rows
Straight ahead, no-mans land
machine-gun posts, seen being manned.
'Boys line up, whistle blows, men go over the top in rows. Straight ahead, No Man's Land, machine gun posts seen being manned.
This punctuation feels more secure to me, but poetry is from the heart and soul and it is one of the art forms that is an expression of the poet without regard to the reader. However, I feel a need for others to relate to my poetry. This is an important point to make about war. It is distinctively visual if one has ever seen that razor wire...
You are very creative and have a great feel for your environment and your characters. My only suggestion is that you reread the work carefully, as if you were reading someone else's work {this is not easy!) and seek out the weak spots in communicating your story. Very cool. Keep it up!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
Mila heard the commotion that was taking place over her but though her sleep was uneasy because of it, she paid no attention. As an exercise in making things more clear, one can go back through and examine sentences, such as this one. A possible variation: 'Mila heard the commotion taking place over her. Her sleep was uneasy because of it, but she paid little attention.'
She couldn’t remember where she was. When she did remember, she tried to figure out what woke her. She heard the sound of breathing and snuffling. Some animal or another was trying to figure out what she was. She cautiously poked her head up and not seeing anyone, slipped out of her hiding spot back onto the trail.
Another example: 'She couldn’t remember where she was. She lay still, trying to determine what woke her. She heard breathing and snuffling, something was trying to figure out what she was. She cautiously poked her head up. Not seeing anyone, she slipped out of her hiding spot onto the trail.'
This is a wonderful heartfelt treatise of a difficult situation. You have a way of handling it gracefully and with attention to detail, it can be read and understood by lots of people.
The fact it is written in a straightforward dialect is good in this case; for example, the father 'had a meltdown' is very effective use of the language.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
But Sage doesn’t consider herself a normal person. She feels more in touch with reality but still disconnected from the real world. Certainly not a normal person. Many of the statements remain awkward, but are very close to being easily understood by the reader. 'Sage doesn't consider herself a normal person. She feels in touch with reality but disconnected from the real world; certainly not a normal person.'
See? Just a little spiffing up! The word But takes the force out of the first statement; as do the words more and still in the next. But, they started coming to the door he would
hide in the basement while they took everything of value from the place the called home. When all of that was gone they took the car and the house too.
Again, just a little work. 'When they started coming to the door, he would hide in the basement while they took everything of value from their home. When all of those things were gone, they took the car and the house.'
I'm not going to pick through it line by line, but if you decide you would like me to help or reread it after you work on it, just let me know. I'd love to help you. You have a very important message here!
Thanks for sharing with us!
Write on!
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I know it rhymes kind of, but please swing it around and say listening to the weather forecast... perhaps you could stick in the time of day or something.
Perhaps a different word than new ...
