Gosh, I cried, I wept, I am feeling so desolate. My friend, I can feel your pain, but I also see your spirit, a beautiful, wonderful graceful spirit, that is truly a remarkably light, sweet, shining, and is ever enlightened.
Do appearances matter, the mirror can reflect the glory of your spirit. The person within is more huge in magnanmity, beauty, faith, and that the mirror will surely not able to capture the majesty of your soul, spirit and your being.
I am sure the peripheral does not match to mammothness of your sublime. The sublime is the real you, my dear Mars.
This is a good poem that articulates some of the interesting facets of being and non-being. It captures some of the etheral things ... the flow of words is smooth ...
Rick, Honestly, I read this poem first thing in the morning, and it real made my day. I could imagine the robin. I always adored butterflies, ever since childhood, even today, given a chance I'd run behind an yellow butterfly, trying to catch it, trying to drape it on my eyelashes ... rekindling my childhood. You have brought out the essence of those days.
Thank you,
Sarah
I liked this piece immensely pixybrat for its simple description. It is pretty straight forward without going gung-ho over things and gives a correct picture. Very well done !
The poem started off very good, introspective, the first stanza was superbly crafted, but something went amiss from the 3rd line in the 2nd stanza ... the "you" business came too suddenly instead of slowly getting to the subject... it was too abrupt ... apologies of my words don't sound right ... but I wish you had continue where you left off with the first para, then this could have been a very superb poem ..
Ideal thoughts, but then, someone wants to police the world, someone wants to play big brother, someone believes that there is a need to look at this world as a big family, and in this family, someone has to control and coordinate. America has taken up the task, for good or for bad. America feels that it is the protector of all the innocent and the punisher of the evil.
And sadly, for every human that is saved, yet another human perishes
General remarks:
I find that this poem is a little bit different from the usual form of writing, and seems a little bit disjointed - but then I understand that you said it is a random poem - so some different ideas/incidents put together like Sylvia Platt
The beginning was good, it meandered a little bit in the middle, for example, the following line:
"And offered me a free turn that I turned down" could be bettered by not duplicating the word "turn".
Secondly, the stanza, could do with a little bit more of poetic verse to make it a more powerful piece of writing.
"I thought to myself about the offer I turned down
And regretted my decision but there was something
About her face that told me just to stay away
And I remembered my resolution, promising myself"
I however, really liked the way you ended this poem. The last 2 lines are real good.
What absolute enthusiasm and truth there is in your writing. The emotion is absolutely A+, so also are the words, verbs, what it needs is a just a little bit of honing those skills to flow those emotions into a perfect symphony. The meter is there, the key is right, the notes are right.
I am honored that I had read this beautiful piece of writing.
Only one item that needs some attention is, you need to feel less apprehensive.
Bests,
Sarah
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