\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sj2112
Review Requests: OFF
7 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a detail oriented reviewer with a special interest in wording and dialogue. The most important thing I find, as a reader, is the flow, dialogue, and sentence structure. Even more important than the overall plot of the story as plot is majorly subjective. What I find engaging, someone else may find boring and vise versa. So I will pay close attention to the flow of the story verses the actual story itself. But I will provide feedback about the plot if I really like it or find something I think can be improved.
I'm good at...
Dialogue! I love dialogue and I like to think I'm pretty good at it.
Favorite Genres
Supernatural, Fantasy, Mystery, Romance
Least Favorite Genres
History, non-fiction
I will not review...
Poetry! I have no idea what is good poetry and have no experience with how poetry should be written.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Peach's Payback!  Open in new Window.
Review by Sarah Jackson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
i'm not too familiar with this style of writing (almost screenplay-like). But I will comment that this is an interesting story idea since most of the Mario franchise is about Mario (of course). It's nice to Peach go to save the day this time!
I will comment a few minor things I found. "Somewhere at the Mushroom Kingdom Peach" Needs a comma after Kingdom
"he was then cut off by the princess" redundant "then" here
I would have to say to revisit the wording overall. There is alot of "then"s throughout, where it gets very repetitive. Overall interesting storyline and I would read more!
2
2
Review of Chip and Salsa #1  Open in new Window.
Review by Sarah Jackson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I feel this chapter has a very solid start. I find the plot of it very interesting, a tiny hamster being best friends with a huge elephant.
There are a couple of things that could be improved though.

A huge one is the Dialogue. You want to avoid putting in too much detail in dialogue, as in real life we leave so much up to context and body language, rather than verbally. Example: rather than saying "I'm still in my gymnastics leotard" Try ending the dialogue with "I have to change" and internally describing her outfit instead.
Some of the other wording needs some work too. Try make the sentences as succinct as possible. Example: "office to pick up their papers about their class schedules", try "office to pick up their class schedules" removing the redundant wording.

Another thing, which is just a personal preference of mine, is to break up dialogue from each character into different paragraphs. Example:
"“Hi! I’m Banana!,” Said the dog. “I’m Mango!,” Said the bunny. “Hi,” said Chip and Salsa. “Is it fine if we have breakfast with you guys?” asked Mango and Banana. “Sure!!!” They replied happily. “So, my name is Chip!” said Chip excitedly. "
Try:
"“Hi! I’m Banana!,” Said the dog.
“I’m Mango!,” Said the bunny.
“Hi,” said Chip and Salsa.
“Is it fine if we have breakfast with you guys?” asked Mango and Banana.
“Sure!!!” They replied happily.
“So, my name is Chip!” said Chip excitedly."
In my opinion that makes it easier to follow whose speaking.

I'd love to see more details about the scenery as well. What does the school look like? Are they walking to school in the beginning? How did they get there? Stuff like that.

All in all I thought this was very cute beginning and very interesting story plot. Good work! (I'd love to update the rating once some more updates and revisions have been done, just shoot me an email!)
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sj2112