Please Note:The following is simply my interpretation and opinion. Take it as you will.
I just finished reading your piece Endure the Night and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. So here's my view on...
The Plot- Wow, what a grueling read- but I mean that in a good way! In spite of the brevity of this tale, you've managed to describe the tortuous feat of endurance experienced during the course of an ultra-run. The struggles of the protagonist are felt by the reader and I couldn't help but cheer him on as he maintained his commitment to finish.
The Characters- Mainly it's just Wes Bascomb. The great thing about a story like this is that the focus is on one character which leads to a sense of " one man against the world". In a tale about a lone runner among the desolate reaches of sparsely populated America, this works wonderfully. And not only have you let the readers into his thoughts and feelings, but you've done a bang-up job describing his physical traits as well- all leading to a well rounded character development.
The Imagery- Beautifully rendered imagery all throughout. I'll just throe a few examples of that which I appreciated...An amalgamated scent of dew, rainwater and moist gravel wafted throughout the city into the mountains of the Strawberry Range.... I know this smell, and I can recall it instantly after reading this description!
his presence was merely an estimated suggestion than a calculated reality...this line jumped right off the screen at me- I can't say what it is I like about it, but I do. It must be in the wording ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
The distant frozen mountain caps started to melt, forming gracious haze around the peaks which dripped down the boundless sky, icing twigs and grit subtended down below...In just one sentence, you've been able to create a mental picture of a mountain-scape that would rival just about any picture postcard. Amazing job...and these are but a few examples of the effectiveness of your word usage.
Errors?- I did find a few little odds and ends that struck me funny. I'll just run through 'em here.
The Errors I Found ▼
-In the fourth paragraph you describe Wes "with grazing hair all over its chin"...the word grazing doesn't seem quite right in this context, maybe "sprouting" (or something along those lines) would be better.
- At the end of the ninth paragraph you write "A race where the heat and the cold may cause in the destruction of your very own mind and souls."... Instead of " may cause in the destruction of...", it would sound better as either " may cause the destruction of..." or " may result in the destruction of..."
- In the eleventh paragraph you write "The 19 year old was still grieving on the death of his mother..." - it would be more proper written as " grieving over the death..."
- In the fifteenth paragraph you describe his running process " like pushing the throttles of a jet—slow and surely", expulsing loads of power..." - I'm fairly sure the correct word is "expelling", as in "expelling loads of power".
Also in this paragraph, you wrote "Wes’ contrails was so immense that it frightened off the nighthawks. They have all fled from their branches" - A few issues with tenses here, the line would sound better as " Wes’ contrails were so immense that it frightened off the nighthawks. They fled from their branches
- In the sixteenth paragraph, there's a line "...but once he was back to his normal, languid stride the pace persisted the same way it was before" - I see what you're trying to say, but it seems a little off. Maybe something along the lines of "...but once he was back to his normal, languid stride, he resumed his previous pace."
- In the seventeenth paragraph, you write "...and it was thicker than the type he was accustomed to back home at Kansas."- Back home "in" Kansas sounds better.
Also in this paragraph you mention how Wes "had strained his ankle" - I had to Google this to be sure, but I think a person "sprains" an ankle.
- In the twenty-first paragraph there's a line "As the clock strikes 6 and the orange orb slowly ascends above the mountains, the sky lights up with splashes of orange and magenta. Light was all around him." ...the tense of this line seems out of whack with the rest of the story. I feel it would be less jarring for the reader if it were written as "As the clock struck 6 and the orange orb slowly ascended above the mountains, the sky lit up with splashes of orange and magenta. Light was all around him."
- And finally, in the second last paragraph, you wrote "his body has exhausted all its resources" ... I believe the line should read "his body had exhausted all its resources"
...and that's about it. The rest of your grammar, spelling and punctuation were all spot on, although some sticklers would insist that you write out all your numbers ( " six" instead of 6, "one hundred" runners, instead of 100 runners), but I'm not that much of a purist!
Overall Impression- I was really quite surprised at how much I enjoyed this story. I'm not much of one for athletic pursuits ( they just don't interest me) , but there was something beyond just a guy running a marathon here. The commitment and drive to succeed are themes that can apply to just about anyone in any situation, which gives the story a broad appeal.
I also like how different viewpoints could apply to the ending - Is he a former athlete who's using his love of running as a way to bond with his son? Or is he one of those broken down runners who's driving his son to be an ultra-runner like he was ? I prefer to think it's the former, and in any event, I'm glad to see he won his medal. Phenomenal job !
Scarecrow
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