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Review by ItsMe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
There isn't really much to be said about this so I will make it simple and quick.

First and foremost, I would like to mention that you've done something right in this chapter. It has a different feel and tone than the previous chapter. The previous chapter attempted to have action as it's hook and this one has less action and more dialogue, making it feel a bit like the beginning of a roller coaster. This is good. Too much action can easily break the suspension of disbelief.

Unfortunately, the worst part about this story and both chapters are its grammar. Random letters are capitalized; indents for paragraphs are non-existent; character's dialogue share the same paragraph, which ultimately makes it confusing to the reader when we don't know who's talking until we finish the sentence.

Second thing that should be noted is that the story needs to have more description. In the last chapter I didn't know the characters were in Burning Village (both words are capitalized when the story described it, so that's the name of the village). The story is taking place in a realm that is similar to ours as Tornack reference warriors our world is familiar with, yet goblins exist. But fantasy is allowed to do that, so we won't mark that one up.

Speaking of Tornack, he has an awesome name and nothing else. Who is he? I know he's Tornack and he has amnesia, that's not what I meant. We're at the end of the second chapter and I know nothing about his personality. The problem with starting out in action (Aka En Medias Res) is that you have to explain the world before we get bored. We're at the end of the second chapter and I'm bored. That's not a good sign, as normally the novelty of stories allows boredom to be easily overcome.

This isn't all bad. There is a good story in there; there really is! But it's hidden under splinters and thorns. You merely need to sand it down when writing. Create an atmosphere and tone while you still have the chance. I have hope that you will continue this and spruce it up into magnificent glory if you really tried and strive for it, but as I write this review, the story is below par.
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