crewchief, I think you have a very nice story here. I wanted to keep reading to find out what happened. You had me hooked.
I enjoyed the way you transitioned from the present to the flashbacks. My favorite was "The timer on the oven startled her back to reality." And then right after that, you drop the bombshell on us. It was great.
One line that I thought did a great job of describing Ellie was "Ellie sighed at the memory of the child she had been. So quiet. So shy. So backwards." That summed up her childhood so well.
Suggestions
There were a few things I wanted to point out to you.
The first is just a simple typo in the first sentence. You are missing a comma after the word promise.
The next one is something I struggle with myself. A writing instructor of mine really hammered me on this, and I'm glad he did; he was right. Your description of Jason is a bit cliché. "She ached to see those clear blue eyes staring into hers. And that smile! That smile melted her every time." These are all descriptions that have been used thousands of times. You need to make him unique. That's the only way a reader will remember him. Trust me, I know how hard this is. The end result is worth it though.
Another thing I noticed was the description of Ellie where you called her "a lanky mouse of a girl." I don't think I've ever seen a lanky mouse before. It kind of threw me a little.
Another thing I wondered about is how Jason was still in college when Ellie was getting ready to graduate from high school. I believe there was five years difference between them. If Jason went straight to college after high school, he'd probably be out by then. I know this may seem like a nit-picky thing (and maybe it is), but I just wanted to point it out to you.
In the line "She cried long into the night until sleep finally crept over her and granted her a dreamless sleep." I'd consider only using the word sleep once in the sentence. It's too much. Maybe a word like slumber would make it flow better.
Finally, I'm just not sure about the ending. Don't get me wrong. I was sitting there hoping that Jason would come back, but when the moment came, I felt a little cheated. It just didn't add up. Wouldn't he have called Ellie to let her know he was okay instead of leaving her hanging in emotional hell? In my opinion, if he loved her nearly as much as you made it seem, he would have called her. Leaving her hanging like that is just cruel.
Overall, I think you have a nice story here. It flows well, and you made the reader care what happens. Hopefully, you can use a few of the suggestions I made. If not, feel free to disregard them.
chesslover, I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to get back with you. We can blame J.K. Rowling for taking up every spare minute I had last week. Again I apologize.
Anyway, another reason I didn't get back to you sooner is because I was hoping to make some great suggestions to make the piece better, so I searched, and searched, and searched some more. Unfortunately (well, maybe not unfortunately), I couldn't find much of anything to complain about. The piece is very well written. I only wish there was more of it to read.
You have a great voice in the piece. By far, my favorite line was the last: "She is mine now. I reach out, slide my hand gently around her, and lift his queen from the chessboard.(/c}"
I could visualize the whole scene from start to finish. The protagonist reminds me a lot of myself; I seem to find myself in similar situations on a regular basis
Suggestions
There is one line that I'm not quite sure about though. It just seemed a little hokey to me. "I react with terminal force." In my own humble opinion, this line really doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. When I first read the story, this is the one (and only) place I was jerked back to reality.
That's the only problem I found, and that's only my opinion. If you don't agree, disregard.
Nice idea for a poll; it was good to see why others are here. The results are pretty much what I expected, thus far.
The only suggestion I have for you is to shorten the optional answers a bit. I'm not sure how you can do that with a poll such as this, but they seema bit long to me.
As I sit here writing this review, I am currently in time-out myself. I have sharing issues
I enjoyed this story. This is actually how it works though. I meet my best friend in junior high as we both sat in the principal's office. So I could identify with the two boys in this story...which is really sad since I'm now twenty-nine.
The only thing I wonder is if this story teaches children a good lesson or not. I'm not sure. I'm by no means a child psycologist.
Yes, I can see how this would be controversial, but I enjoyed it. You pack so much emotion, story, and mood in such a short piece. That is truly amazing.
I really can't think of anything to recommend to you to make it better. Man, I usually don't do this, but I don't see any way I can't give you a five on this. Well done.
Hi Flitcraft. This was pretty good. These guys are a little weird. Their chanting reminded me of a deranged version of the employee chant at Home Depot (yes, I used to work there). I couldn't stop reading though; I had to know what happened. To me, that is the mark of something well written.
I'll be honest with you, I am a bit confused by the ending though. Maybe I'm just really dumb and missed something.
I always enjoy reading your work. You have a unique take on things, and have some very interesting ideas.
Byron, pretty freaky story you have here. That is the reason I try to stay out of old, abandoned, insane asylums. There's just no reason to go in them. Anyway, you really created a great mood and setting with the limited word count. Very impressive.
I did notice a couple of things that you may have overlooked. The first is the sentence "besides he had it all figured out...." You didn't captitalize the first word of the sentence. I just wanted to point it out to you.
Second, you changed from third person to first person point of view, then changed back to third. You did it all in this one sentence: "For the first time James began to have doubts, what if there was some truth in some of the stories, I mean there was a lot of them after all, maybe just maybe, ghosts did exist." I don't think you can just throw the word 'I' in there like that. It threw me when I first read it.
Overall, I enjoyed your little tale of horror, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Does it seem a little ironic to anyone else to be writing a review on an article about writing reviews? After reading this though, I figure I'd better start reviewing everything I read, so why not start now?
This piece was very helpful to me in many ways. It really explained just what is involved in writing a good review. I also showed just how beneficial reviewing is for all parties involved. I also now have a better understanding of just how much effort goes into writing a good review.
The flow of this piece was very good. It kept me reading, which is something I have a problem with when reading many nonfiction stories, essays, or articles. You had really good transitions from one paragraph to the next and from one section to the next.
Thanks you!
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