When I review works I look at several different categories, score on each of those and then try to averge them all together. Those categories are: (1) characters, (2) story (plot); (3) pace and structure; (4) use of language; (5) narrative voice; (6) dialogue; (7) settings and (8) theme. I will try to address each of those below in the same order for ease of reference.
1. Characters: I think you have a wonderful picture in your mind of how you would like your characters to appear, how you want them to behave and I think you can see them in your mind; however, I failed to empathize with any of them, especially your protagonist. They all seemed rather flat and lifeless...black and white images on a page with no soul, no personality. I think this can be attributed to structure, language, narrative, dialogue and settings, which I'll get to in a minute. Is this a short story or is it the beginning of a novel? short stories, I think, are much more difficult to write because you have to put so much information into such few words. Every word should count. I would like to know more about Sid. I want to hear his voice - his inflections. I want to know what he looks like, what makes him tick? Let us see your characters, hear them...be them.
2. story (plot): I think you have a good idea here but I think the plot needs to be set earlier. Let us see from the beginning Sid is struggling with being recognized. Let us see where he got another rejection letter regarding his solar equipment and how that makes him feel. We need to see and feel his 'failures' before we can celebrate his triumphs at the end. I think, too, if his wife and daughter are the two influences in his life, then there needs to be more influential roles on their behalf. We need to see the encouragement, the love, the affection, when Sid is disappointed once more. We need to see the way he reflects back on the two women who always bring him to his feet and get him to keep going and not give up. That is not really gone into here. SHOW us how they are his rock when he needs one to lean on. SHOW us their support and their love. Again...we need to feel his vulnerability before we can be happy that he has overcome it.
3. pace and structure. I found the pace to be very slow and in some way, discombobulated. The writing is not smooth. It feels jumpy. I think some of this is due to the massive amounts of tag lines you have:
He asked with a rueful smile.
she asked, running her slender fingers through his thick hair, graying at the temples.
he questioned, asking about Elizabeth, their seventeen year old daughter.
These are 'pictures' we should be shown about our characters, not told through taglines. We should know that Elizabeth is their seventeen year old daughter and there are other ways to show your readers what is going on rather than telling them. Take for example the following rewrite of the opening scene. In no way am I saying to write your scene this way; I'm merely showing you a way I think it could come across a little more with a 'show' than 'tell' feel. Of course, it is your story and you know the way you want to tell it. This is just a suggestion.
***
A knock sounded on the study door. Sid looked up to see Linda, his wife of twenty years and mother to their only child, seventeen-year old, Elizabeth, cross the room, a steaming cup of coffee in her hands.
“Oh, honey, you read my mind.” Sid set his pencil down and ran his palms over his tired face. “You’re an angel.” He took the hot mug from her and pressed it to his lips.
Linda walked behind his chair; her long, slender fingers worked at the muscles in his shoulders. “Oh, baby, you’re so tight. Why so tense?”
“Is it that bad?”
“Bad? Baby it feels like you’ve got knots the size of baseballs in here. Besides, I know you. You’ve been way too quiet since you got home today. You ate very little dinner and you’ve been in this blasted room since seven thirty. Elizabeth stayed up until eleven but she got tired of waiting for you to emerge from this dungeon.”
Sid leaned forward, his elbows on his desk, his head cupped in his hands. “I don’t believe I forgot to help Elizabeth with her presentation. Here she is, so proud of me and my solar pump invention that she would want to do an ecological project on it and I let her down.”
Linda wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her voice soothing in his ear. “It’s okay, baby. She’s not angry. She just wanted the inventor to sign off before she presents it tomorrow. I’m not worried, though. Next to me, she’s your biggest fan.”
Sid gently grasped her arm and pulled her into his lap. “The two of you have always been there for me. I am a very lucky man.”
“Yes you are,” Linda smiled as she combed her fingertips through his thick graying hair. She kissed his temple. “So what has you so troubled?”
“This.” He opened up the side drawer and withdrew a letter.
***
While this may be longer than what you originally wrote, I think it brings us into the characters more. We see their affection for each other. We see that Beth is interested in her father's work. We see that he is upset about something and we're experiencing the news along with Linda, not through tag lines at the end of sentences.
The flow of the piece seems stilted and I really think if you work on revising the story to reflect more show than tell, then this problem will be erased.
4, 5 and 6. I'm going to put these all together as they are all connected to one another and I think I've given you an example in the re-write above about what I would change. Your language at time seems to over the top, so to speak and it was all so evident when you used the word 'perspicacity'. For one, it stuck out like a sore thumb - it just didn't belong - and it really detracted from the story. It's almost like you threw in a big word to show off your vocabulary but it isn't the way Linda would think about herself or really how I seen Sid thinking about her. I would stick with words that flow well, that fit your characters and not try to impress with vocabulary. I think your narrative voice is okay. You stayed with one point of view - Sid's - which is very important. We just need to know more about him. The dialogue I thought could use some improving. Sid needs to talk to his daughter like she's 17 years old and not ignore her when she asks questions. She asks if he's a prince and he ignores her. Why? Why doesn't she know anything about his family after seventeen years? Is there annimosity there? I would think Beth would know more about the grandparents' she'd never met than what you've led on. I'd really look back and rethink that.
7, Settings - I'd really like to see more of the settings. I want to see the dry brown dirt. I want to get the feel of drought. I want to see through Sid's eyes what he feels when he sees this land this way. Was it green when he was young? Does the bareness, the dustiness, the bleakness upset him? When Beth suggests his project for the area, why does he act confused? I would think he would get excited and ask her 'Do you really think it would work?" She needs to feed the dream. We need to see the light in his eyes at the thought of fulfilling his lifelong dream. Right now, he seems very 'flat' about it. Give us that moment in the dustbowl. I'd also like to see more opulence in the home he grew up in. I want to know Sid's parents. I just need to see more of everything.
8. I think the theme is good - conservation, solar energy, offering alternatives to third world countries so they can prosper...all great ideas and for that, I applaud you.
I hope you don't feel my review too negative or bad. I would not mind having another look at this should you decide to rework it. Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck with this and no matter what, keep writing.
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