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58 Public Reviews Given
93 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Lightspeed555 Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing Ten Thousand Angels today.

Overall Impression

This was a good story. I can definitely relate to the man watching the news and information float by him as he browsed the internet. It can be overwhelming at times. Throw in the pressures of work combined with life, and I think you hit it on the head.

The sound that he begins to hear would definitely drive me nuts. I could easily imagine how a person might go searching for the source. Excellent job and I loved the conclusion of what was causing the sound. Just wonderful.

Character Development and Conversation

I’ll admit I was a little confused by “the man.” Then again, I like to assign names to everyone. So that’s probably my personal little quirk. The thoughts that we can “hear” are quite clear and made perfect sense. I could easily see myself thinking those same thoughts if in that situation.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

…halo like effect of slightly shifting colors to emanate around his persona.
I found myself confused by several things here. First off, let’s tackle the grammar. *Wink* Let’s change it to “halo-like.” Or, you could drop “like” altogether and still have the same meaning. Next, we’ll look at “slightly shifting.” I’ll admit my mind stumbled over this as I was reading it. It was like a mental tongue twister. Last, but not least, I had a small problem with “persona.” I realize it does mean ‘person,’ but it also means a ‘public personality’ which is how many people read that word. It might be better to either a) drop the ‘a’ or b) change it to a new word altogether. Just my opinion. *Wink*

…feeling from the long days work.
Simple little fix here. It should be “day’s” instead.

…confrontations involved, just to do his job.
Commas are evil, pesky creatures. In this case, it’s not needed after “involved.” As a matter of fact, it gives the sentence a nasty break that isn’t needed. There’s a tip I learned in a grammar class. When in doubt on a comma, leave it out.

…forth by the days stress.
I’m confused here if you mean several days worth of stress or stress brought on by that one day. If the latter, then it should be “day’s.” It needs to claim its stress. *Smile*

…his reading slower and steady…
I was confused here. Call me odd, but adding the word “steady” here lost me. Then again, I’m naturally a “steady” reader, so maybe it’s just me.

…again the sound was growing louder”…
Just a tiny fix needed here. The quotation mark should be changed to a period.

…the sound of the office door opened…
Ask yourself a quick question. Can sound open? *Wink* Since the other part says, “With a sudden crash,” I think you can eliminate “the sound” altogether and it will make perfect sense.

…scrowel on her brow…
My guess is this was meant to be “scowl”?

Final Thoughts

I hope you don’t mind all of my suggestions too much. I loved your story. The ending was perfect.

There is one last question I wanted to ask… Why didn’t the man’s wife like the singing? I think I’ll go ponder that one for a while.

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'll admit I know nothing about poetry. However, I found your poem touching. Also, this might seem rather odd, I found it to be balanced in such a way as to even be pleasing to the eye while being easily balanced in reading. Does that make sense? I find it interesting that I enjoyed looking at how it's laid out since the content itself is touching and sad. It reads well and I enjoyed having the chance to do so. Thank you so much for sharing. *Smile*

Erin

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Tadpole1 Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing Long Ago today.

Overall Impression

I liked your prologue. It was short and could be fleshed out more, but I still enjoyed it. I would definitely be willing to read the story that followed.

Character Development and Conversation

The only things I can point out here are the same things people have talked to me about before. *Smile* I guess people do prefer to know the names of things, huh? *Bigsmile* Also, it’s only implied that the ‘she’ in this prologue is a dragon. Considering this is obviously a fantasy story, it’s not even necessary for the creature to be a dragon. So you might want to say that particularly. Since there are only 2 lines of conversation, there’s not a whole lot to comment on that. Though I did find what the ‘dragon’ said to be stilted, while I enjoyed how the young man spoke.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

surprised then angered that
*Bullet* This is one of the areas I spotted that was missing commas. Technically, “then angered” could easily be set apart with commas without changing the meaning of the sentence. When I read it, I automatically “drop it down” in my mind. I do that for some reason with areas of a sentence that aren’t deemed necessary. It helps me to determine areas in my own writing that need set off. However, it’s always your choice. *Wink*

no fear: she
*Bullet* It is technically incorrect to use a colon here. A semi-colon would work much better, and with only a single space. *Smile*

impetus
*Bullet* I’m not sure that I personally ‘like’ this word here. For some reason, it’s striking me as wrong. It seems to stand out, too, especially since you haven’t used anything like it before. I’m having a hard time explaining why it’s not working. Keep in mind that you don’t want anyone having to look up words while they’re reading, especially in such a short piece. *Wink*

Swish, the pain
*Bullet* You might consider dropping the word “Swish.” I equate that to something my kids see in their comic books. *Wink* If she was roaring or making any noise herself while making the attack, she wouldn’t have heard the relatively quiet sound a sword would make as it cut down. Also, since it hit her, it wouldn’t have had much time to make any sound at all.

She flew.
*Bullet* Here’s something I get accused of all the time. *Bigsmile* Using the same word closely together. You might consider removing this short sentence all together. Take a look at it and see what you think.

sword had stung
*Bullet* The word ‘stung’ is what caught my attention here. To me, ‘stung’ implies something minor. However, that’s obviously not the case here. Just thought I’d point it out. *Wink*

forget: she
*Bullet* Another inappropriate use of a colon. Change it to a semi-colon and I think you’re in business.

Final Thoughts

All in all, I enjoyed this prologue. I’d definitely be willing to read any story that came after it. Good job!

Erin

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Review of The Path of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, ritz.

My name is Erin and I'm a member of the Angel Army In-Depth Review team. I’m looking forward to reviewing The Path of Life today.

Please remember that every item I point out here is of my own opinion and are only suggestions. Feel free to take what you need and ignore the rest. *Wink*

Overall Impression

This was an interesting piece. I can fully believe that our lives are paths with forks in the road where we need to make decisions. People entering and leaving our lives can definitely change the direction in which we’re heading. Sometimes for the best; sometimes for the worse. Yes, this was well written and I enjoyed reading it.

Line-by-Line Review

were destine to
*Bullet* Just needs changed to “destined.”

difficult these paths
*Bullet* I would recommend placing a comma after “difficult.” It’s the last word of a prepositional phrase.

As we talked...,
*Bullet* I’m not sure that ellipses are appropriate here. It usually implies a trailed off thought, but this section doesn’t feel like it’s trailing off. It’s more like you corrected yourself.

*Bullet* In the last three lines of this piece, you have an odd formatting going on. For all I know, you meant to do that for a statement. I personally just found it odd and disorienting. Just my opinion. *Wink*

Final Thoughts

Well done, Ritz. I wonder if the person you’re talking about in this piece has read it. I sure hope so. *Smile* Good job.

Erin

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Germloucks Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing A Gathering of Dragons today. I’m a part of the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. judging team. Please keep in mind that you shouldn’t implement any of the ideas I give you here before judging is complete.

Overall Impression

This story definitely has potential. You did warn me that it was only a single chapter. I suppose that I was hoping for more information within that chapter. With more information included, some background on the characters and the like, this would be awesome. It would leave the reader begging for the rest of the story. That is what you’re aiming for. *Wink* The story is there. Bring your characters to life, make the reader care, and you have a winning combination.

Character Development and Conversation

While your conversation moved well, there was almost no character development in this part of the story. The reader is left wondering why the warrior was there and who the second wizard was that came up with the female. All we know of the female is her name, however, since she’s willing to address a member of the “high circle,” it shows that she had strength and courage. I just wish that we knew more about her. The same goes for the older gentleman. In reading the piece again, I just realized that we never do learn his name. I find that odd as we learned the name of the warrior. So, I recommend going back in and telling us more about the two wizards. Their names, backgrounds, things of that nature. The more interested a reader is in your characters, the more likely they are to keep reading.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

perfectly with the night sky; temporarily masking
*Bullet* This is technically an incorrect use of a semicolon. They are used in the place of a period or a comma and a connecting word. Since the section following it is not a complete sentence, it would be best to change this semicolon to a comma.

unsettling a the same
*Bullet* Just a little typo here. That ‘a’ should be “at.”

dripped off of ancient
*Bullet* Just a comment real quick. I’ve learned over time that the “of” in “off of” is not needed. If you read it without it, you’ll see what I mean. *Wink*

Always glancing uneasily at the tower.
*Bullet* Taken alone as this stands, it’s not a complete sentence. You might think about combining it with the previous sentence with a comma. It would work well.

as he trained to get
*Bullet* Is it possible that this is meant to be “strained”? Trained just doesn’t seem to be the appropriate word for this situation.

showed yourselves," he glanced
*Bullet* You might want to consider ending the sentence there within the quotes and beginning the next one with the word “He.” It will help the flow of that section.

middle aged
*Bullet* I’d recommend putting a hyphen between these two words as they’re both needed to describe “man.”

presence great one and
*Bullet* You should probably offset “great one” within commas.

intoned with a worried look
*Bullet* In my opinion, “intoned” doesn’t quite work with a “worried look.” For some reason, I always picture ‘intoned’ as more of a bored idea or in relation to one who’s not showing much emotion. “Worry” is definitely a strong emotion.

in, and whispered
*Bullet* Go ahead and shift that comma down to after “whispered.” It would be happier there. *Laugh*

The tower draws them here, we wont be safe here long.
*Bullet* This comma either needs a connecting word, changed to a semicolon or turned into a period. *Smile* Also, “wont” is mistyped. It lost its apostrophe.

this," He said, as he pulled back
*Bullet* Since it’s coming after a comma that ends a quote, “he” should be lowercase. Also, did he pull back his hood or push it back? Just curious. It’s just that ‘desire’ to read what’s typical that prompted that question.

contrasted his long,
*Bullet* I believe that you’re missing a “with” in this sentence.

collapsing I fear
*Bullet* I feel that this is missing either a period or a semicolon here. I personally would go with a period since what she is saying is a fairly strong and scary idea.

said Analexa nervously.
*Bullet* I’m finding this “said” to be a bit off. Personally, I’d have used ‘asked,’ but that’s me. As this is your story, you definitely should decide. *Smile*

distance, as if haunted
*Bullet* This comma is not needed here and disrupts the flow of the sentence.

unmemorable
*Bullet* This word means “not worth remembering.” The ‘right’ word is very close to that, but it refuses to come to mind right now. Ah! There it is! *Laugh* “Immemorial” is the word you actually want. It means ‘extending beyond the reach of memory, record, or tradition.’

"It cant be true.
*Bullet* Just a typo. Change ‘cant’ to ‘can’t.’

Final Thoughts

There is room for expanding the amount of information presented. Keep in mind, that most chapters for adults are over 4,000 words. One of my favorite books for “young adults” has chapters that average about 2,500 words per chapter. There is definitely room for expansion here without sacrificing anything. As a matter of fact, that expansion will only help this piece. Also, there is an overuse of adjectives in this story. I’m accused of that myself. *Smile* It’s something all writers fall prey to, I’m sure. It’s just learning which ones are needed and which ones aren’t. So, take a deep breath, and ignore how long it’s taking to write this. I do that all the time and end up rushing my stories. With this wanting to be a book, it needs time to unfold. True fantasy readers ignore how long a book is if the story is good. Now you just have to ignore how long it takes to write one. *Bigsmile* In the end, it will all be worth it.

Erin

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing One Busy Night in Chicago today.

Overall Impression

This was a fun story to read. I enjoy stories that are set in an older time like this. It reminds me of all the TV shows that used to do things like this. Too much fun. *Smile*

Character Development and Conversation

In my opinion, the only character we really get any insight into is Vinny. Lou and Gloria weren’t given much depth. They did act in a typical manner expected of them in a story like this. The same could be said of the conversation. It was as if it was taken directly from a script. However, considering most of it came from Lou's point of view, it worked fine.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

Hi, I am Lou Ryan
*Bullet* You’re just missing a period here. *Smile*

notorious mob boss Vinny
*Bullet* I’d recommend a comma here after “boss.”

their date, when she
*Bullet* Hmm. This comma isn’t needed. It disrupts the flow of the sentence.

cup of Joe
*Bullet* Just a minor comment… But why did you capitalize “Joe” here? Mind you, I love coffee more than most people I know, but this just seems a bit ‘odd’ to me. *Wink*

laundering, and gambling
*Bullet* Another sneaky comma that snuck in where it shouldn’t be.

I mean don't
*Bullet* I personally would put a comma after “mean.” However, I can’t say that it’s 100% correct. Your call. *Bigsmile*

I told Gloria, she
*Bullet* Another sneaky comma that needs shown the door.

minute; then I
*Bullet* I’m not that good with semicolons, but this one seems to be in the wrong spot. I almost feel as if there needs to be more connecting words or something in this sentence to allow it to flow better. Just a thought. *Wink*

Vinny, not
*Bullet*Another comma that isn’t needed.

third floor, if they
*Bullet* My mind keeps trying to change that comma to a period instead. It’s just weird like that. I just wanted to let you know how I was naturally reading it. *Smile*

the dame she looked
*Bullet* I’d recommend adding a comma after “dame” since the “she looked so peaceful” could be dropped from the sentence without it changing the meaning.

Jumbo, there.
*Bullet* First of all, I don’t think that this comma is necessary. Also, you (Lou) switched the name of the guy here. Mind you, I noticed that he didn’t know if it was Jumbo or Jimbo before, so I can understand the switch. It just caught my attention.

thug, never
*Bullet* Here’s another comma I don’t feel is necessary.

Final Thoughts

This was a fun story to read. I was happy to see Vinny get what was coming to him. However, how well does a revolver with a silencer shoot over a distance of at least 3 stories? Just curious. *Smile* I enjoyed this very much. Thank you for sharing!

Erin

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Review of Ode to Coffee  Open in new Window.
Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*applauding* Hurray! An ode to coffee. I love it. *Bigsmile* As I sit here contemplating the fact that my coffee cup is empty and I should go get some more. lol If you think about it, you're right. Over many years, people have just sat and waited for the coffee to be ready so that they could feel "right" with the world. We even have a rule in our home... Don't talk to Mom until she's had at least one cup of coffee. *Laugh*

Thank you for sharing your delightful poem.

Erin
(who's starting to think she needs to read poetry more often. *Smile*)

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, david's world Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing The Littlest Wizard today.

Overall Impression

Never mind what the Line-by-Line Review looks like, I truly enjoyed your story. I couldn’t wait to see how Rolo’s ‘audition’ turned out and what Lorku would do. I have three boys, and I’d definitely recommend your story to them. The storyline flows reasonably well and is very enjoyable.

Character Development and Conversation

I loved sweet Rolo! You could tell that he was insecure about what he was about to do. Pookita was just wonderful. I could just imagine this cat jumping and spinning in the air to catch a butterfly. I could picture those butterflies easily as well. I’d like to imagine that they left a sparkling trail behind them as they flew. Lorku was portrayed well as an egotistical wizard who obviously thought more of himself than he should have. It’s almost too bad that Queen Windella wasn’t portrayed more, however, since the story wasn’t really about her, it worked. *Wink*

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

as thought they had
*Bullet* I believe that there’s a typo here. “Thought” should probably be “though.”

the most magic tree.
*Bullet* I would consider changing “magic” to “magical.” To my ‘ear,’ that sounds better. Your choice though because it is your story after all. *Smile*

famous wizard, who had
*Bullet* I would recommend removing this comma. It doesn’t seem to be performing a ‘useful’ function here and actually disrupts the flow of the sentence.

another servant, who led
*Bullet* This is also another comma that isn’t needed. It’s separating off a part of the sentence that is important. You only surround a phrase in commas when the information could easily be removed without changing the meaning of the sentence.

couldn't event get
*Bullet* Oops. A ‘t’ snuck in there on you on the word “even.”

started out, with Pookita
*Bullet* Here is another comma that I personally believe could be left out. I like the idea of Pookita following along being an important idea. *Smile*

his eyes, to focus
*Bullet* Darn sneaky commas. They keep leaping in there where they’re not needed. There’s a ‘rule’ I learned awhile back that I swear by. If you’re in doubt over a comma, leave it out. We have this natural tendency to throw them in all over the place whether they’re needed or not. I think it’s that other rule we learn in school that causes this. “If you pause when you’re reading it, toss in a comma.” lol They sort of contradict each other, don’t they?

take shape and to form butterflies.
*Bullet* I’d recommend removing the “to” here in this sentence. I believe it would make it stronger.

Conjurer of magnificence
*Bullet* I’ll leave this up to you, but would it be more ‘fun’ to capitalize “Magnificence”? Sort of make the title more pronounced? Your choice. *Wink*

said nothing He just
*Bullet* Oh, no! A period ran away! lol

impressive procession and Rolo was
*Bullet* Ha! The comma needed here after “procession” must have moved itself. *Bigsmile* You should ‘catch’ one that needs removed up above and place it here.

and having conversation
*Bullet* I believe that placing an “a” before conversation would really help.

music to stop,.
*Bullet* There’s just some funny punctuation here. Also, this entire sentence that this piece is the end of seems to run on quite a bit. I’m sure there’s a way to rewrite it, but nothing is immediately jumping to mind.

right at Rolo, and he knew
*Bullet* While both of these parts on either side of this comma are complete thoughts, it is also possible to leave this comma out due to how short they are. However, it’s also perfectly fine to leave it there. *Smile* It’s one of those funny rules that just doesn’t make any sense. *Laugh*

Windella's throne, Pookita
*Bullet* Ooh. You have complete thoughts on both sides of this comma without a connecting word. You might want to consider switching it to a semicolon instead. They can be fun. *Smile*

very surprised, pookita.
*Bullet* Two minor things here. The comma isn’t needed and you just forgot to capitalize “Pookita.”

“Fairies of th Great Tree!
*Bullet* Darn “e” meandered off. You’d better catch it and put it where it belongs.

Sultan's of the east and the great King's
*Bullet* Both of these apostrophes are not needed as they’re not really possessing anything. The way you use these two words in this sentence is in the plural form.

Lorku-the great
*Bullet* Is this his title? If so, you might consider dropping that hyphen and capitalizing “great.” Just a thought. *Wink*

wave of his hand lightning flew form
*Bullet* Two things here. There needs to be a comma after “hand” and “form” should be changed to “from.”

dragons head.
*Bullet* In this case “dragons” is possessive and needs an apostrophe, “dragon’s.” Also, the “and” that follows this particular period isn’t really needed. However, your choice!

watching he young
*Bullet* Oh, darn. A “t” waltzed away here. It should be “the young.”

Rolo looked to Queen Windella,.
*Bullet* Pesky punctuation. You have both a comma and a period here.

into his, hand, and
*Bullet* Go ahead and remove the comma before “hand.”

dance around the dragons head.
*Bullet* Again, this is the possessive form of “dragons.” Go ahead and place an apostrophe in there. Also, you began this particular sentence with “And.” It could be dropped if you’d like.

he fairies, and began snapping
*Bullet* This comma isn’t needed due to the fact that the second half of this sentence is not a complete thought.

The Dragon
*Bullet* This is one of the few times you capitalized “dragon.” You might need to decide which way you’d like it to be.

“My dear wizards, Thank
*Bullet* Well, hmm… If you meant for this to be a comma, then “Thank” wouldn’t be capitalized.

better Than to challenge
*Bullet* Just a random capitalized word here.

Lorku-the great, and , Rolo, the littles wizard,
*Bullet* Way too many commas in this sentence. Go ahead and remove the comma after “great” and “and.” Also, it should be “littlest.”

shoulder, and looked around
*Bullet* This comma isn’t needed here either. That whole “complete sentence rule.”

And pookita said, “Meow.”
*Bullet* You just missed capitalizing “Pookita” here.

*Bullet* As a general thought on this story as a whole, you use “then” a lot. You might want to consider taking them out. It’s a redundant word and sort of grates the ‘reading nerves’ after awhile. Also, you start a lot of sentences with “and” that should probably just have that word dropped. Normally, it’s used sparingly and to bring more focus on that one sentence. So, just a thought. *Wink*

*Bullet* One more thought and then I’ll leave you alone. *Wink* In the third paragraph, you mention how Wendella had gotten harder to please over the years, but then you switch tracks and talk about how the wizards were now attempting to steal sticks from the Great Tree. It doesn’t explain why or how she was harder to please. That might be something you want to explore or even possibly remove from the story all together.

Final Thoughts

Now, take a moment and ignore that mess up above my final thoughts. *Smile* I do not go through all of that just to tell you that your story was horrible and evil. I do that to help you make it better because I believe with all of my heart that it deserves to be the best it can be. I love your idea. I enjoyed your style of writing. I saw it as “simplistic,” which is exactly what is needed for a children’s story. So even that was perfect. You did a marvelous job! Thank you so much for sharing, and please, keep writing. *Bigsmile*

Erin

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, warriormom.

My name is Erin and I’m a member of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. I’m here today to review The Old Iron Bunk Bed on the behalf of Gothic Angel gone Author Icon. You won 10 reviews in Whome’s Heart to Heart Auction, and this review is one of those.

Overall Impression

Such a wonderful trip you allowed me to take with you, Pat. I could just picture that bed and hear the happy campers moving around and talking. I’m blessed to have experiences such as these. However, it was your story that brought them back to mind. I’m sad to say that I’d forgotten mine. I’m glad that your memories of that time are still fresh and provide you with a safe haven to retreat to.

Character Development and Conversation

Since this was told from a first person point of view, it doesn’t really count. *Smile*

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

beach, or in a sunny
*Bullet* This comma isn’t needed here since the final part of this sentence is not a complete thought.

My favoriate place
*Bullet* Oops. Misspelled word here. *Wink*

In the summer months
*Bullet* This is a prepositional phrase, so it should have a comma after “months.”

rejuvenated, and blessed
*Bullet* I would recommend removing this comma as it’s not needed here. The second half of this sentence isn’t a complete thought.

Final Thoughts

It’s just a wonderful piece, Pat. I thoroughly enjoyed having the chance to read it. I believe I will go sit and sift through my memories of the Christian camps I have been blessed to attend. Thank you for sharing this. *Smile*

Erin

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Ghagiel Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm a member of the Angel Army In-Depth Review team. I’m looking forward to reviewing Does it Make a Sound? today.

Please remember that every item I point out here is of my own opinion and are only suggestions. Feel free to take what you need and ignore the rest. *Wink*

Overall Impression

You know, I’ve always agreed with your assumption that a tree does make a sound when it falls even if no one is there to hear it. Besides, the animals are there to hear it, so obviously… *Laugh* I loved how your explanation started out so scientific and then settled into humor. I enjoyed it greatly.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that all of this is of my own opinion. I also tackle all of my reviews from an American standpoint. Please keep that in mind if you’re not from the U.S.

In this brief article I shall
*Bullet* The beginning of this sentence is a prepositional phrase, therefore, it needs a comma after “article.”

question, and attempt
*Bullet* Oddly enough, this is later on in that same sentence. This comma isn’t needed here. To put a comma here, both parts would need to be able to stand alone as complete sentences. Since they can’t, it’s not needed. *Smile*

try’s to recognise it
*Bullet* In this case, you’d want “try’s” to be “tries.” Also, here’s the reason for my ‘I’m American’ disclaimer. *Smile* In the U.S., we spell it “recognize.” I have since learned that it is also a perfectly acceptable form as it stands in your story in other countries. So, take that for what you will. *Bigsmile*

hearing of it, or the waves
*Bullet* This comma isn’t necessary here.

element to take on board.
*Bullet* This is just a random comment. I’m just curious if it would sound better to phrase this sentence as, There’s also another element to take into consideration. That’s just my mind slipping into the ‘scientific mode’ and, henceforth, more formal language. *Smile*

different to us doesn’t
*Bullet* Mind you, I find this good this way as well, but would it work better to say different than us… instead?

*Bullet* Just a minor observation on the entire piece in general. Throughout the piece, you’d switch view points. Keep in mind that I do this exact thing all the time, so it doesn’t bother me at all. However, I do know that it can bother others. I don’t know if it would be worth the effort to go switch it all one direction or another. I personally find it rather funny this way. *Bigsmile* I like it.

Final Thoughts

I love how you got all excited in that last paragraph about the animals. It was like you started out all serious and then couldn’t help splashing your own opinion into the article. I’m assuming that it was fine that this piece traveled in this direction. I personally found it wonderfully amusing. *Bigsmile* Keep up the good work!

Erin

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, jaya Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing The People’s Lawyer today. This is review number 3 of 3 from the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

Overall Impression

Jaya, I love this story. Seeing justice come forth and win is wonderful. People love these kinds of stories and I’m definitely no exception. *Bigsmile* You also constructed it very well in such a short span of writing. Beautifully done.

Character Development and Conversation

Beautifully done. You quickly portray that her husband and mother-in-law are not very nice people, even though their lawyer was able to fool the courts. Neha was also brought quickly to life with her attempt to leave and how her shoulders slumped when she thought her case was lost. Anyone who had read To Kill a Mockingbird could easily handle the complex Atticus Finch without you needing to go too much into detail. However, the brief insight helped those who hadn’t read it. Wonderful job all the way around.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink* Jaya, again remember, that I’m American and henceforth am making suggestions to this particular viewpoint. I’m attempting to leave your spellings alone due to the fact that I’m not 100% sure that your spelling isn’t just fine in your country. I definitely wouldn’t want to change what makes this story yours. *Smile*

husband, and mother
*Bullet* The comma here isn’t needed.

judge, and jury
*Bullet* This comma isn’t needed either.

Neha, to stay married
*Bullet* Ta-Da! Another misplaced comma. Go ahead and remove this one as well.

man, who according to his friends is kind
*Bullet* Several little changes with commas here. Go ahead and shift this comma over until it’s after “who.” Then add another comma after “friends.”

I therefore request
*Bullet* Oh, the joy of commas, huh? *Bigsmile* The word “therefore” is almost always offset by commas, so go ahead and put commas before and after it.

duly for by pressing
*Bullet* Go ahead and take out the word “by.” It’s an extra word that isn’t needed here and actually confuses the reading of this sentence.

good reputation”
*Bullet* Oops. You forgot a period here.

“I object Your Honor”
*Bullet* There should be a comma tucked in after “object.”

No, that’s not her lawyer.
*Bullet* This sentence reads a little oddly. Two negatives like this don’t really like to work so closely together. *Smile* To make it read more powerfully, I’d recommend removing the “No” at the beginning.

man in the black coat
*Bullet* Just a little language thing here. I’d strongly recommend changing “the” to “a.”

There are few more
*Bullet* I’d recommend adding one little word here. I’d suggest adding “a” before the word “few.”

His integrity is world-famous.
*Bullet* We have a change in tense here. The “is” should be “was.” It just keeps it in agreement with the rest of the sentence.

Sir?” Atticus,
*Bullet* This is purely my own opinion here, but I personally would add a “said” or “continued.” You can decide. *Smile*

of 5, and a boy of 11, into
*Bullet* I’d highly recommend removing these 2 commas.

witness’s box
*Bullet* Here in the US, we only say “witness box.” So take that for whatever it’s worth. *Smile*

Audience murmured
*Bullet* This is up to you, but it might work just a bit better to add the word “The” to the beginning. This entire piece almost moves as if it’s part play and part prose. It’s interesting. *Smile*

Atticus won the case
*Bullet* Last think and I’ll leave you alone. *Laugh* For a little more ‘punch,’ I’d recommend putting “Finch” in there after his first name. Not for any other reason than that. *Bigsmile*

Final Thoughts

Even with everything I pointed out above, Jaya, I still love this story. It makes me want to go check out To Kill a Mockingbird and read it again. You know, I think I will go do that. You are very talented, and I enjoy reading your work. The way you can do so much in a story this length is incredible. Keep up the good work!

Erin

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Review of Numb  Open in new Window.
Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Adriana Noir Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing Numb today. This is the fourth review of five for the Groundhog’s Day Auction.

Overall Impression

Goodness, Adriana. Like all of your other stories, this one is absolutely wonderful. I can only imagine what it would be like to be in an accident of this magnitude, but I can believe that it would be like this. Excellent job.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

…unable to cry, I lay trapped as my tears…
*Bullet* Okay, I’m curious. Do you mean cry as in making noise? Tears falling, in my opinion, is crying. *Smile*

…and dull, iron gray claws…
*Bullet* That comma there bothers me. I honestly can’t say if it’s supposed to be put there or not. It just bugs me. *Laugh*

Final Thoughts

Absolutely superb, Adriana. As usual. *Bigsmile*

Erin

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Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Jaye P. Marshall Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing The Writer’s Stairway today.

Overall Impression

This is a great story, Jaye. I liked it because every step in Dick’s writing career is what truly counts in writing. Well, at least I believe it is. As I’ve never published anything, I’m guessing here. *Smile* I enjoyed reading this piece very much.

Character Development and Conversation

Dick isn’t made “real” to the reader. However, I’m not sure that it’s all that necessary in this particular piece. I didn’t mind not really knowing Dick. In the places where there is conversation, it’s very well done and each line brings attention to itself in a positive manner that keeps the story moving along.

Line-by-Line Review

Please keep in mind that everything here is purely my opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find useful and just toss the rest. *Wink*

When just a young lad he had written
*Bullet* The beginning of this sentence is a prepositional phrase, so it needs a comma after “lad.”

began coming in and Dick
*Bullet* It’s possible to add a comma after “in,” however, this is where I’ve always had problems because two short sentences put together with a coordinating conjunction don’t necessarily need a comma. I’ve never been sure what they mean by “short.” *Smile*

As the years crept by Dick noticed
*Bullet* Another prepositional phrase here that’s missing its comma.

Final Thoughts

I chose this story to see what you would write about what it takes to be successful. I found it both enjoyable to read and informative. Thank you!

Erin

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Review of Weekend Getaway  Open in new Window.
Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Kenzie Author Icon.

My name is Erin and I'm looking forward to reviewing Weekend Getaway today.

Overall Impression

This is a cute story. You worked in all the necessary elements very well. I could easily seeing this happen… And most likely to my husband and me. lol Very well done.

Character Development and Conversation

Your characters were very believable, right down to the various reactions a situation like this would definitely cause. Excellent job.

Line-by-Line Review

Please remember, everything I mention below is purely of my own opinion. Feel free to take from it what you find helpful and just ignore the rest. *Bigsmile*

Jonathan began the task of carrying bundles of firewood from the back porch inside
*Bullet* I find this sentence just a little bit awkward. It almost implies that the back porch is actually inside. I know that’s not the case, but it’s just how it reads. If you just change the location of "inside," it works great. “Jonathan began the task of carrying bundles of firewood inside from the back porch.” Voila! All fixed. *Bigsmile*

Final Thoughts

Again, it’s a cute story and very well executed. Good luck in the contest!

Erin

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Review of Second Chance  Open in new Window.
Review by Erin J. Roberts Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a wonderful story. I had to keep reading all the way to the end to find out why Emily left. When I found out, I had to see if they got back together again. It was so wonderful and touching. Thank you for sharing!

I did see a few spots that caught my attention, but barely any. Here are the few that I thought I'd point out. Please keep in mind that all of these are my own opinion. *Smile*

* The odd throwing in of more difficult words. Sometimes I felt that they really didn't help the meaning of the sentence. Example: Disparity.

* Some odd usage of commas, but most of it's well done.

* When Martin is trying to take Joe off of the case, he's trying to be firm, but kind. During that time, to stress his point, would he use a contraction? I'm mainly thinking about the first one he used, "no one's." I personally think it would be stronger as "no one is." I think that the rest of them are fine. They seem to take the edge off of what he's saying.

Again, these are all my own opinion. All in all, it was a terrific story and well written! I can't wait to read more of what you write and have written.
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