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Review Requests: ON
218 Public Reviews Given
234 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to go in depth on how I felt whilst reading it. I'll point out where I was tripped out of my flow by sentence structure or oddity. What confuses me. What intrigues me. Examples can be seen in my recent reviews. Happy to review privately on request. Default will be public.
 
I use "Comment-In-A-Box" Open in new Window. for my ratings.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi Fantasy Humour
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry Romance
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories / Chapters 1-5
Least Favorite Item Types
50 chapter novels - I don't have time to get through that much.
I will not review...
Artsy poems that I struggle to 'get'.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 ... Next
1
1
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,

There's a lot to like here. The premise is classic, but interesting. I found myself wanting to know more about his life, and the world he's forgotten.

Yearlitt is a well introduced source of a lot of this early data-dump, and I like how he treats this young boy with respect as if Damanul is more like 15-16 rather than 6. Of course Damanul's persona seems to belie his physical body which intrigues me into thinking he is perhaps older than he appears. Not to mention the glowing 'burns'. Fascinating.

Strange pain everywhere as they go outside as a description of 'cold' is a clever and fun way of exploring a world that is wholly unfamiliar with and unprepared for a winter. I look forward to seeing how tailors and cobblers adapt their summer fashions to try to quickly adapt and make weird thicker shoes and clothes for this change. How will builders add insulation to homes designed to keep things cool. There's good scope for interesting exploration of how things change - but it makes things like Yearlitt have blankets already seem a little odd. Why does he have blankets to cut up if there's not been a winter in a thousand years?

Lastly I'm unsure what great wisdom could be in this burnt story that will 'save them' from this winter in a practical sense. If all it does is say 'go to the mountain and sacrifice 10 goats to Mother' it will seem silly, but if all it says is wrap yourself in warm wool mittens, I would hope the man of 70 years, or Yearlitt might be smart enough to figure that without the mission to get a copy of the story.

I'm intrigued.

Happy Writing *BigSmile*

Smee.


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2
2
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I love the concept here - and somehow I didn't even catch on from the title when I certainly should have. The idea of this bestial side of him speaking so calmly and matter of fact is amusing and a good twist to the usual werewolf story.

I think some copy-paste-moving of paragraphs went wrong during some editing. In the middle - you have a duplicate paragraph beginning 'Shawn panted heavily'.

You have moments of excellent description like his heat rising and heart pounding, and then other moments are somewhat glossed over. It might be an obvious thing in America - but 'young teenager' and owning a truck is a rather confusing contrast to a European view. Young teenager to me is 13-14, whereas I'd be expecting at least 18-19 to be driving.

It would be interesting to know how he became cursed, and whether there's any other unusual aspects to this lycanthrope compared with the typical.

Happy Writing *BigSmile*

Smee.


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3
3
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi,

Thanks for requesting a review. I'm liking the imagination in this piece, and Jersey is a fun and relatable character. We've all had those jobs where we wish for every break.

From checking out part 1 too, the biggest thing that strikes at me was it said time was frozen whilst in the mirror portal, and yet her fantasy with her own company is interrupted by Macie arriving, which should be impossible if time is frozen? Perhaps rather than frozen, it could just be really slowed down?

The dialogue in general is ok. A bit wooden in places. I had a lot of problems with dialogue when I started writing. My best tip would be to read it out loud, (even better if you can get someone else to be the other person) and see if it sounds natural. The part about uni/college was clever for getting over the British differences.

I think this chapter could be 50% longer and still work, the pace felt a little rushed. I would have enjoyed more scene setting and description of the dream too - I barely know anything about what her dream man looked like, felt like, smelt like - really hit those senses, especially when you are trying to make it a more emotional moment.

Keep up the work, and

Happy Writing *BigSmile*



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4
4
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A really lovely tale that somehow is randomly better for the canine aspect.

I'm not sure I can articulate why, perhaps it just resonates with me better. I feel like it affords you a greater array of sensory and descriptive options to keep things fresh, especially in terms of smells and tails. I love the talk of milk teeth as a demonstration of feeling more mature.

Joey is a well written character - capturing well the essence of his age, including interaction with an older sibling, and a beloved grandparent. Both felt realistic.

Suggestions wise - I don't have much. It all works well.

Right at the end you drag it on a touch too much with the double use of 'Cause' in subsequent sentences. That's a little jarring. I think the ending would hold more punch if you just ended after the first one. That's being very nit-picky though.

Happy Writing *BigSmile*





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5
5
Review of Love and laughter  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey Saugat,

A beautifully heart warming tale of love healing loss, and a journey of coming together.

Technicalities & Observations

The plot, whilst heart warming, follows a predictable and somewhat clichéd trajectory. The characters, Emma and Henry, face emotional struggles, but their journey towards healing and finding love feels somewhat formulaic with a lack of specifics. I don't know Emma's hair colour, or eye colour. I feel like I don't know anything about Henry save for 'charming and witty'.

It's jarring at the beginning to have Emma have a heart full of warmth, only for two sentences later for Henry to be bringing a glimmer of light into Emma's world. It's contradictory and confusing. If Emma is depressed because of Andrew then there's nothing wrong with starting her off depressed. Perhaps have a neighbour or parent wistfully recall the happy child of her youth if you wanted to show she was once happy.

I would love to see more of Henry's demons too. He seems very underdeveloped.

Summary

Overall, this piece is a beautifully crafted love story that explores themes of loss, healing, and the power of love. It is emotionally resonant, with a compelling narrative. The message of hope and the transformative nature of love will leave readers feeling uplifted and inspired.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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6
6
Review of Work in Progress  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey


Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

I'm getting Hitchhikers Guide vibes in what you're aiming for here. Definitely a similar style of humour that makes the corners of my lips start twitching upwards.

It feels a little forced though, like you are trying too hard for it to be funny. It's hard though to put a finger specifically on what is giving me that impression.

I would suggest perhaps a rewrite where it doesn't break the fourth wall with comments to the 'reader' like:

Stay with me on this.

You guessed it:


Make it more a traditional story and I think it might lose the 'trying too hard' feeling and let some of the fun imagery and visualisations you do so well come out stronger.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*


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7
7
Review of Awakening  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Maldakir,

Spotted your greetings in the Newbie Academy forum, and checked out your port. We've shared a very similar love for reading - the WoT and SoT series in particular were big parts of my growing up.

It's fantastic that you're now taking up the quill to get some of your own writing down. Let's take a looksee at what you have so far.

Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

I am not sure why I came to be as I am now, all at once there was an awareness inside me.
 I think we need a stronger break than a comma between the red parts. Probably separate sentences.

~

Names and places called towns, what need have I of these my Mistress.
Likewise here. Two separate parts. I'd even go so far as to put the second part in speech marks. "What need have I of these, my Mistres?"

~

murderous lightening,
 Small typo on lightning, but I like 'murderous'. You have some great descriptions throughout in fact.

~

The ground, so long had it held me true was heaving me out.

Need another comma after true. You can picture it such that if you remove the parts between the commas the sentence still makes sense. i.e.

The ground was heaving me out.
The ground, so long had it held me true, was heaving me out.

~

The searing pain was subsiding, the fire inside me passing.

Tenses are starting to get weird here. The rest of this paragraph is in present tense, yet you start it in past.

I opened my eyes, seeing for the first time all that was and had been around me always.
 Same here. Slipped back to past tense briefly.

~

The sight of her struck him as magnificent,

The leap to 'him' after being first person perspective for the whole thing was very jarring.

The warmth that came from her hand made him think of sunshine.

Awww, that's a lovely thought.

Summary

Quite a fascinating 'awakening' from tree to man. This story could go anywhere as he learns who and what he is, and we learn why and how he's been awakened. Very intriguing.

Watch your tenses (I suggest just doing the whole thing in past tense - present tense is tricky at the best of times) and your perspective. Otherwise very solid writing with some delightful word use.

More!

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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8
8
Review of Snowflake  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey there Anthony

I'm here at your request, for a review. Remember, all my comments are just my opinion. Take from them what you will.

Technicalities & Observations

“We…can’t,” I said slowly, struggling to resist the urge [to] of kissing her back.


Summary

Technically there isn't too much wrong in this piece, but I think you tried too hard to be extra flowery with your language, and it comes across a bit weird and forced.

"I peered through her tormented eyes for reconciliation, but to my dismay, there was none."


I stared into her eyes, hoping for understanding and receiving only

Most of the time, simple is better.

My heart began to pound rigidly

I have no idea how a rigidly pounding heart differs from a normal pounding one.

Otherwise I will be forced to leave you here alone in this numbing cold.

Again, not wrong precisely, but it seems odd for someone to speak like this unless they're enacting a Shakespeare play.

There's definite talent here. There's awareness of some deep concepts in writing. There is also great emotional depth. Practice, practice, practice - and the right time to use all that you know will follow.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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9
9
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Jace,

I'm back again - and man did this take some finding!

Summary

It's the time of year where the dreaded C-mas threatens to appear in shops, despite there still being numerous events before it in the calendar. I can easily appreciate the rising tensions.

I love the opening stanza. It reminds me of my times skiing, alone, early morning. The snow is still fresh and crisp. The air clear and bright. Alone with nature.

On reading again I think I realise this is more than just a walk through nature before the holiday season descends. It's actually about the hunt for a christmas tree. Not an intuitive activity for someone who typically hunts them at a store. This simple understanding brings new depth to the verses and I appreciate it all the more. I particularly like

The tree long sought is just a fleeting badge,


Fleeting indeed.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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10
10
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey again Jace,

Dunks abound as we continue on.

Summary

I have to wince that you chose a poem, and a free-form one at that. I often don't get them, nor know what to say about them.

The topic here though, like so many others, has touched my family so I think I follow with this one. I remember asking my Dad if he was ok, whilst dealing with my step-mum's depression. Even secure and far away from her, with no way for her to find out, he couldn't bend for a moment and show truly how it was for him. He wasn't the one with depression, but it sure took its toll anyway.

afraid to rock the boat.
afraid to show my fears, my apprehension.
afraid of my weakness.


Clearly lines my Dad would resonate with.

And yet he would also answer the final question with a resounding yes.

A clever poem delving into a difficult topic with insight and understanding.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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11
11
Review of Little Ships  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey Jace,

I'm back for more dunking. Although with another emotional roller-coaster it's more like me that's getting dunked here.

Technicalities & Observations

beach south of Dunkirk almost seventy years ago

You do the reveal of 'miracle of Dunkirk' in the next line. It felt awkward with Dunkirk repeated here. I suggest removing this mention - perhaps hinting to the geography more subtly.

She died in my arms. I never saw my mother again.

the youngest sixteen. The youngest one never made it home.

Lines like bullets - you set them off flawlessly.

flashes from the shelling turned the night to day for a few seconds like some macabre circus show.

Amazing imagery.

Summary

You captured the idea of a flashback really well, and somehow get into the head of an 80 year old going back to the head of a 9 year old. It felt natural and smooth.

I liked the moments of french, and you covered the language barrier amazingly well at first, but then it seemed to dip. From understanding 'a little' it became a non-issue afterwards except a final confusion over 'linguist'. Perhaps have a couple mentions of Owen translating, and perhaps some extra language issues at the end to compound Owen's loss.

Heart wrenching and beautiful, with a lovely ending.


Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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12
12
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Jace,

I'm just taking a moment out, nothing to worry about, no one here is out to dunk you. *Smirk2*

Technicalities & Observations

"My name is Taylor. T-aaa-y l-ooooo-r."

What a great opening. I am immediately given a taste of what's to come and can all but hear his voice as he spells it out.

I thought I'd interview him--you know, like a reporter on TV. He loved that.

And I'd love it too - great idea.

"But I have to be quiet so's the other kids don't know."

*giggles* Oh I love kids with secrets. It's like they are covered in grease and they just can't hold on to them no matter how hard they try.

He looked down and started fiddling with his hands.

We kind of never really grow out of this. We might be able to control it a little as we grow up, but really when it comes to the harder stuff we are all just little kids again.

picked up a yellow squirt gun, and pointed it at an imaginary villain.
Lovely observation. It is great how unconscious feelings come out.

"Butterfly Kisses and Baby Bear Hugs," he said triumphantly.

Ok - adorable-overload. *Heart*

"Sometimes I have to trip on purpose. I have to let him catch me so's I don't miss out."

*melts*

Summary

I'm sure any parent, or grandparent would be an absolute mess after a piece like this, because as a 33 year old bachelor with little intention to have his own kids you completely wiped me out. Just utterly adorable. A very special little boy that could surely melt the coldest heart.

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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13
13
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Steve,

Where to begin with this one! No not because it's in any way bad. I just find myself awash in a vortex of nostalgia tinged with horror and amusement. A potent combination, but not conducive to coherent commentary! *Pthb*

I'm going to skip my usual headings and just waffle about what comes to mind and bits that stood out.

The opening section is great. Introducing two concepts I immediately adore. Free-range boys, and helicopter parenting. I've always wanted a brother. I grew up with a sister, 18 months younger. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference to my own treasure chest of considerably more conservative stories, but it's there all the same. I had my summers in the woods with the child-minder's boys, and my friends. We played 'manhunt', made small fires, and constructed horrifically perilous tree swings that would have melted the faces of modern H&S officials had they seen. But I was a smart kid in school. Always did my homework. I've never broken a bone. Never been to hospital. Whether through cowardice, or luck I'm not sure but I think it's a healthy dose of both.

So it's only with some wincing that I read through these tales of red smears being measured and gravel-absorption world records. Additionally tainted by the shadow of my thirties, yours sounds like a terrifying childhood.

But all's well that ends well (except for Marty).

~

==> We were Tyrannosaurs riding across that colossally free, unfettered era before the asteroid of bike helmets.

I love it. This whole piece is festooned with remarks like this. I read Tyrannosaurs and wondered where on earth you were going with this one, and then the ending just blew me away. You take metaphors to new heights throughout, and this was one particular highlight for me.
~
==>Our bike ramps provided us with one of those many wonders of nature: great height,

Reading it again here on it's own, this sentence is fine, but at the time I tripped over it, such that I found myself rereading it a couple of times trying to get it untwisted in my head. I think in this case it's just a little wordy.
~
==> smoking under the full strain of leg muscles bulging and gravity boosting

I'm not sure what you mean by gravity boosting.
~
==> Variously viewed as a victim or villain, a vindicated Vinnie vaulted to the vertex of virtuoso violinists.

Hahahaha, now you're just showing off. *Laugh*

Summary

As a fatherly/grandfatherly type tale of youth, sat around a campfire, or reminiscing one sunday afternoon, this piece is awesome. Funny, well told and thought provoking.

If you're looking in the direction of publication though I would say this gets a bit too waffly in places and could be cut quite a lot shorter without losing much of the meat. The foundations section for example.

Thanks for sharing. I'm heading back to my parents house in a couple of weeks, and I think now I'll be making time to head back into those woods.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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14
14
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey OW,

As requested I am here for your review, and I'll try to be gentle *Laugh*.

Technicalities & Observations

==> “Ours is not the [to] reason why!

Small error with the quote.

==> resulting fragments were like wooden shrapnel.

Surely the result IS wooden shrapnel, not like. Perhaps the fragments could be like 'miniature spears seeking flesh' or something like that?

==> endearing military term for “The Leader,

This might be what you meant, but just in case - might this be enduring?

==> creamed both enemy divisions with a B-52 strike with hundreds of thousand-pound bombs.

The repetition of with is a little awkward. It should work fine if you change the latter to 'and'.

Summary

An interesting tale. I don't know much about the Vietnam War, only what I remember from the Robin Williams' film, and Forest Gump, although as a Brit it wasn't that big a thing for us.

The diary style is good, but makes it harder to critique as realistically a diary (particularly written in such a setting) wouldn't be word perfect anyway. Idiosyncrasies and colloquialisms are expected, just as if it were dialogue in any other story.

Typically you should be writing out numbers that are less than 25, so places like:
past 8 days, 2 KIA and 4 WIA

I liked the moments of humour - the old man nickname, the GI farts, base camp warriors etc. You sprinkle them throughout nicely and keeps things from being a bit too dark.

Hope this helps.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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15
15
Review of George Loses It  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Jim,

Third and final review then.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


I step in somewhat cautiously, after reading the tag line. After seeing something of your imagination this morning I'm not sure what I'm expecting. *Laugh*

Summary

Technically flawless again - at least to my level. And definitely not what I was expecting!

I enjoyed the story, but I've always struggled with these kinds. I don't understand why people would get so worked up over something like this. I like to think I would be quite delighted if I found the forest to be talking to me, and would react completely differently in a similar situation. Probably the same part of me that wishes the owl due around about my 11th birthday telling me of my place in Hogwarts is just 22 years late, and will get here soon.

Of course you've added your own evil-genie twist to it. And the cute cuddly animals turn quite naughty at the end.

I wonder how he ever managed to kill something in the past, if, like the voices are suggesting, they are all connected and communicating. Surely his past victims would and could have been alerted to his presence and the kill avoided. Although maybe they allowed it to entice him back again whilst they worked whatever magic was necessary for him to hear them.

Like all your stories today, you raise interesting questions.

Enjoy the rest of your anniversary.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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16
16
Review of Moving On  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Beast,

Back for more on behalf of House Targaryen on this Anniversary day.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Summary

I didn't spot any technicalities, so a very easy review. Solid writing that I just flowed through without being jolted out like I so often am. A pleasure to read.

So to the story. How I empathise with Jim. I know I have amazing dreams, but that is pretty much all I remember of them. So frustrating, and at the same time fascinating. Often, after waking up I can all but physically feel the memories draining away. A most peculiar feeling. If I manage to write bits of it down then I do have some success with holding onto those parts, but I can never write them down to make the same sense they did at the time.

That said, was it even a dream in this case. Was his will, and desire to go back so great as to push the entity to allow him to return under the stipulation he forgets it all? Possibly so.

I like that the story asks these questions of the reader, and leaves it up to us to decide, even though it seemingly tied up the ending.

All that said though, can't say I've ever known what it was to bear a child in my womb. That's a crazy dream. *Laugh*


Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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17
17
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Beast

Seems a little odd considering you run it, but...

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


A fun story, with an unexpected ending.

Technicalities & Observations

==> Yeah, you [and] about every other man in this bar.” Ron said.

Think you have a missing word there.

Summary

I do enjoy the mean-genie stories, and I think your guy here is perhaps up there for being one of the meanest I've read. *Laugh*

Death-by-transformation-into-hotdog-and-sucked-by-toothless-old-dog. That's fairly unique. I did stop to look up what the song was though - I'm not familiar with that brand on this side of the pond.

==> Alex learned to live his mother’s old warning, ‘Be Careful What You Wish For’.

It seems he didn't though really. His wishes did all seem to be fairly loose and wishy-washy. Never does he get really specific. I want a cheeseburger that is fresh, cooked to my preference, at a temperature greater than room temperature but low enough I won't be burnt eating it. I will be able to eat it with enjoyment, and won't choke or in any way be injured because of eating it.

I'm sure there's still ways around it, but as Alex I'd atleast want to make the Genie work to be an asshole.*Bigsmile*

The writing is solid. I spotted only the one minor typo. A good read.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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18
18
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Derek,

Thank goodness your name is at the top of this piece - sorry I just couldn't seriously call you Donkey Hoetay. *Laugh*

I'm here on behalf of House Targaryen for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. event. Congratulations on your recent third place in the newbie competition. Let's take a look at this story.


Technicalities & Observations

==>He realized, as he looked under the couch, that the pool of blood was seeping progressively towards her feet.

Holy ... ok this isn't going where I thought it was.

==> Then, inexplicably, they popped forward like the reptile eyes in a slot machine, along with a grin only a serpent could muster.

Uh oh, no you're not surprising me a second time. *Laugh*

Characters / Dialogue

Very nicely done. I'm not even all that familiar with the American accent variations, and yet the change in Clint was very nicely done as he reverted back to his roots.

The dialogue was elegantly done throughout. Sounding natural and flowing.


Pacing and Plot

The pacing was stunning. The big reveal moments were peppered brilliantly throughout, leaving me on an excited edge consistently from the very first reveal.

Summary

I've reviewed all the winning pieces today, and all three were very good. This was the most gripping of the three though, and to me would probably have pushed it higher up the rankings because of that. You didn't shy from interesting description to set the scene either, so the whole story was very vivid in my mind.

Very well done - here's to more breaks from the second novel and more shorts like this.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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19
19
Review of Deception  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Pamela,

Congratulations on 2nd place!

I'm here for a review on behalf of House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. event.

Let's have a look at this story!

Technicalities & Observations

==> "So, what is it you want?"

I love dialogue opening lines. Typically gets you right involved and hooked in.

==> Kate looked at her father through the security screen. She thought he looked absurd in his day-glow orange jumpsuit,

The first looked could be 'stared' to avoid the repetition.

==>"Of course, she answered. "You're my daddy."
"And you're my princess" he responded automatically.

Lovely dialogue and character moments in this piece.

==> She tried for a grin but didn't quite make it.

Another clever character building line. Love it.

==> One minute impatient that he came

I'm not sure came is the right word/tense here.

Summary

How did I not see that ending happening?*Laugh* Excellent, and the answer is because I was wrapped up in your storytelling and not thinking about the ending. You paced it out nicely, ensuring we knew how nervous she was, but without it dragging on and being whiny. Good job and very well done in the competition.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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20
20
Review of THE WAITING ROOM  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Scribe.

Many congratulations on your win.

I'm here for a review on behalf of House Targaryen in the "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. event. Can't wait to see this winning story!

Technicalities & Observations

==> It had the feel of a children's waiting room, the type of room I had sat in with the children, when they were young

A minor point, but the repetition in this sentence was a little jarring. The latter part isn't really needed, just a different way of saying the first part again. You could just combine it into ...

It had the feel of the rooms I had sat in with the children when they were younger.

Summary

A very solid story. Easy to see why you won, and well deserved. You captured the feelings very well. The little interactions, and the smiles. The paranoia and worries. An interesting little thing to note. People commonly yawn when they're nervous, might be a good snippet to include somewhere. Otherwise you get it all.

You don't let on at the end whether it's good news or bad, so when I say that this kind of depth hints that it comes from experience, then I hope it was good news for you. Or perhaps it's not from direct experience, but just good empathy and observation. Either way you deliver an emotionally charged short which would resonate with anyone.

Congratulations again.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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21
21
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Mumsy

It's entirely you're fault I couldn't resist going for Chapter 2 rather than picking something completely different like I usually prefer to do. I take none of the blame *Pthb*

Technicalities & Observations

==> I’d watched him work many times. His pride in his work was evident

Repetition was slightly jarring. There's another use of work just a couple of sentences above too.

==> The air conditioning was a welcome change [relief]

I don't think 'change' is the right word here.

==>eau de human

Ha! *Laugh*

She left Eden Lake to attend some hoity-toity private college, while I’d stayed in Eden Lake.
 Just repetition again. I don't think one of these is necessary.

Characters / Dialogue

==> I suppose I should mention that my parents are writers.
==> Did I mention I’m not a morning person?

In the first chapter I felt I was along for the ride with Ella. In this chapter it changes slightly, with these 4th wall breaking lines to my feeling like I'm sat having Sunday brunch with her and she's telling me the story. Not a bad thing, it works fine, especially with Ella's humour. But I wanted to mention it.

A lot more new characters again, and again you're riding the line of too many. A precarious position, but still skillfully handled.

Pacing and Plot

Things slowed down here. Not an awful lot happened. It seemed like this chapter is lacking some push to the plot and was mainly filler to allow for introducing more characters. Still amusing, the meal in particular with the varieties of food made me laugh, but filler all the same. I'm not sure what, but putting something of substance plot-wise in here would be welcome I think, even if it makes it a bit longer, as it's a relatively short chapter.

Summary

You're building up the story very nicely. You have a wonderful way with characters and dialogue that makes me feel like Ella and I have been friends for years. Lovely to read.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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22
22
Review of The Carousel Ride  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Mumsy,

Welcome to the start of a Port Raid from me on behalf of House Targaryen. This is the first piece I found, lets get to it.

Technicalities & Observations

==> The full moon hung high and bright in the evening sky, illuminating Anna’s way as she slipped carefully through the bent iron bars.

I like to look closely at first lines, particularly for short stories like this. I want to feel hooked into to carry on. Here it is the bent iron bars which work as the hook. I have to work through a fairly long sentence to get to them, but then I'm instantly drawn onward to find out why are they bent, what do they guard against. The rest of the sentence gives some nice scene setting without going overboard.

==> She waited patiently until he had left the area, then crept out from her hiding place.

Such tight word counts in these Writer's Cramps. The red words here I don't think add anything I didn't already know, and would be viable choices for saving a few words to perhaps add more detail elsewhere.

==> Her objective loomed in the distance, shadow and promise

I love the blue phrase. It is full of mystery, and also a kind of contradiction - shadow not something usually mixed with desire/aims.

==> her ears keen for any sounds.

Surely in a fairground there'd be loads of noise. This struck me odd and deepened the mystery of what Anna was up to. And of course it is explained shortly after. Very cool.

Summary

Aside from finding the bold text a little off-putting, this is a great story. You build up so much emotional connection in the latter half of the story over something seemingly so simple. With so few details the story comes alive, and my mind was filled with pictures. In this case, contrary to the usual saying, I think a few hundred words is worth a 1000 pictures!

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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23
23
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Storm,

I'm back for review number 2 and I've been digging deeper into your port.


Technicalities & Observations

==> The Doctor’s Lair was populated with many unnamed creatures.

A most intriguing first line. The capitalisation of Doctor, and the unnamed creatures are good hooks, hinting as to the story but leaving a lot of mystery and questions I want to read on for.

==> His children were nearly grown now.

This struck me a bit out the blue. I know it explains a little later how Greonteo didn't mate permanently, but I still think mentioning a partner (the one thing that could (albeit briefly) distract him from his work) first would help.

==> The Doctor’s illegitimate work ran for breeding

I don't know what this sentence means - the red words don't seem right. 'Focused on' perhaps could be an alternative.

==> a protein or a stabilizer or a spell to make everything viable.

In a mainly sci-fi story you suddenly throw in spell work as an option, so casually, and without any explanation. At this stage it works well, just pushes me onwards, highly intrigued.

==> The assistant returned with a generic formula the Doctor had created when he’d begun genetic alterations to the unborn. It worked on most species that breathed the air he breathed. The others he was still experimenting. The formula still funded half the facility since it was so wildly popular with the egg-houses in the Empire.

A bit like the children, this part came out of nowhere again. One minute they were checking out the new hatchlings... aah wait, I just remembered, American's call baby bottle milk formula I think. It is confusing still though, after a whole story of a scientist - to which a formula is a very specific thing - that to suddenly talk of this other form of formula threw me completely, and it's called 'generic' and yet funds so much, suggesting it's actually quite special and impressive. All a bit confusing.

Summary

Wow, you've opened up a wide old universe with this opening snippet. It's going to be highly tempting to go on to part 2 for your final review, and see more of this world. So many questions I want to know answers for. Why are humans the slave of choice? What are these spells, and how does magic mix with science? What are his other kids up to? Isn't there a worry they might expose him? All kinds of interesting avenues to explore. Great stuff.

As it's an intro, I'm willing to overlook the general 'telling' narrative style to this piece and still give it a 4. It isn't great to read though. I would have like to feel more in the story, and I felt this was more like a documentary about him. A fascinating one, but I didn't feel in the story.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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24
24
Review of The Visitor  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Storm,

The "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window. Raid number 2 is underway, and so I'm here on behalf of House Targaryen, in conjunction with House Martell. Onwards!


Technicalities & Observations

==> “Remember, you can only inhabit metallic objects.”

I'm a big fan of checking out first lines carefully, particularly short stories, looking for the hook that will pull me in. This is an excellent example. Immediately I am completely baffled and fascinated about who/what could be saying such an odd thing. Great.

==> must be an inferior planet. Why would they send him to invade an inferior planet?

The repetition of inferior was noticeable. Perhaps an alternative word for one of them. Junior planet perhaps, or backwater?

==> “Hello there? Hey – you! Excuse me? Stop!”

Haha, *Laugh* Love it.

==> He caught sound

'Caught' feels like the wrong word here. Perhaps 'detected', or 'noticed'?

==> water to put out a fire.

This felt a bit un-alienlike, calling it water and fire. Maybe get a bit technical, and call it a liquidised hydrogen-oxygen compound? A minor though.

Summary

A very fun story. There's actually an entire subreddit on Reddit devoted to stories where humans baffle, or otherwise confuse/frighten aliens. This story would be much loved there, especially as it's different from the usual Humans-kicking-ass types.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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25
25
Review of Just $29.95  Open in new Window.
Review by Smee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Angus,

I'm back for review number 2 of this birthday bonanza on behalf of House Targaryen. Onwards!


Technicalities & Observations

==> After five long hours of staring at the alarm clock, two glasses of warm milk, and counting more sheep than he cared to remember, Rick Johnson gave up.

A much stronger opening line in this piece. This pulls me in to the story and makes me want to find out what on earth is stopping Rick from sleeping through all that.

Again I couldn't find any technical points, but now I see from your profile you've had a number of publishing successes, so I guess I should expect as much. *Bigsmile*

Characters / Dialogue

I loved the TV man character - you captured the mannerisms very well.

Summary

Man this took a creepy turn. I should have guessed given your penchant for horror. Being a big scaredy cat I'm not such a fan of horror.

You rather evilly leave this ending completely wide open. Did Rick actually chop of limbs? Was he asleep, or has he now just passed out from blood loss? Was it sleepwalking or the hallucinations of lack of sleep. Eugh, the only avenue you don't really leave open is one for a big fluffy happy ending, although I suppose you had the small mercy of not causing him any pain.

An excellent story, Angus. Very well told.

Happy Writing *Bigsmile*

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