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Warning
Due to the nature of war, I have a hard time seeing this as an E rated piece. Due to the description in the paragraph before the last, I would move this to a 13+ rating for violence. A moderator may see this and lock it in at a higher rating. After revisions, you are unsure of the new rating, just ask. Try going to for answers. Mods hang out there, so you will find the MOST accurate answer there.
Descriptions
There are two ways to handle descriptions, with either a passive tone or active tone (not to be confused with passive voice). A passive tone describes the scene with words such as were, are, is, etc. The verb used indicates no action. For a gentle description, this works well, by generating a peaceful tone to the story.
For this story, a more active tone would help. Use action words to use the describe what is going on. This brings intensity to the story at hand. For a battle scene, this is good.
Take a look at the second paragraph:
Upon closer inspection, the men’s uniforms were a patchwork of different shades of red. Most were a mud stained and patched after a long campaign. Some of the men had the start of full beards and some were missing their shako caps. Their pants were grey some were white, and yet some were ripped and patched with various shades of grey.
This is passive. For a more active, try:
Mud, streaking up the pants of the soldiers, could barely hide the pure white of the pants. The jacket, with reds competing for the eye's attention, was ragged and torn. Haphazard patches attempted to hide the rough road the soldiers had been down. New and old beards hugged the men's faces.
The more active verbs can pull in the reader. Also, try avoiding the basic colors (red, blue, yellow, black, white, gray). You don't need to get fancy with colors like papaya whip, but do try to keep action words in the description.
In the next paragraph, you do much better with the descriptions with the cannons that "belched." While perhaps not the best sound choice, it does create a nice, mental image.
Punctuation
I noticed a few comma errors.
"From a distance(comma) the men looked like a red brick wall(comma) standing motionless on top of the small(comma) Portuguese hill."--The word "from" at the beginning indicates an introductory phrase, thus it needs a comma. Descriptive phrases with two or more descriptions need commas between adjectives.
"The men stood as still as possible in front of the enemy (comma)although not far away four cannons belched smoke, fie and death at them."--The word "although gets a comma nearby in most cases because it shows contrast.
"Every now and then one of the cannonballs would create a small hole in the ranks of the British soldiers, a hole of torn bodies and blood which was soon filled in by sergeants in the rear rank."---Two points here.
1)"Every now and then (comma)..." This is an introductory phrase and needs a comma.
2) "...one of the cannonballs would create a small hole in the ranks of the British soldiers, a hole of torn bodies and blood which was soon filled in by sergeants in the rear rank." Two description for the same noun in two places. This is avoided due to it can confuse the reader. Not to mention, it does make for a wordy sentence. Try:
"...one of the cannonballs would leave British sergeants racing to fill a gaping hole of bodies."--Leaving plenty of space to add in a few good action verbs. Typically if the noun has to be listed a second time to keep a description coherent, try rearranging the description.
"They were not meant to stop the enemy (comma)but only to cause confusion and wreak havoc in the enemy ranks."--Since it shows contrast, "but" needs a comma. The "and" enforces this.
For the next comma error, I will not quote to hopefully not offend someone blocking all but E rated reviews. While being descriptive, the paragraph before the last needs a paragraph for the Colonel's wound.. Since it is a list of what is happening, a comma is needed after eye. Also, an apostrophe is needed in "Colonels" to show possessive ("Colonel's").
"...between officer or soldier veteran or recruit..."---(last line) Try "...officer(comma) soldier veteran(comma) or recruit...." With lists, it is best to use commas between items. Also, is it a soldier with a lot of experience in war (veteran soldier) or someone with experience in another area that happens to be a soldier (soldier veteran)?
Don't feel bad about the commas. I had to check the rules several times just now. Comma errors do happen. It can be a turn off to a publisher to see a lot of those in a submitted work. I point them out because they are so easily missed. If you were to inspect the commas in my work, I guarantee there are a few errors. It happens.
If you are curious as to my reference: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...---good site for anything English related.
Stars
3.5 Stars for potential rating error, commas, and improvable descriptions. Fix the commas, rating, and descriptions for one more star. Other than mentioned changes, good story.
Overall
Good thought provoking story. It has a nice moral at the end. As for plot and character, good job. It was certainly an enjoyable read. Keep writing!
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