This is an interesting question and I do think there is a lot to what you are saying. I, however, slightly disagree. I find that technology does help us to find out the answers to questions we won't ask our family, but I also find that technology can never fully fulfill a persons' want to be loved and wanted. I definitely backed away from leaning on my family for support during my teenage years, but now that I am older I realize how important they are to me. Family provides you a bit of a safety net in case you fail and it seems that many families will pick their child up if they ever fell. Of course this is just my experience on the subject.
I think you explained your point of view well, but I can also see that others might think a bit differently. I would also put out there that this piece could be titled a bit differently. Something along the lines of technology taking the place of family relations or something. The question of family being relevant in the modern world would just need some fleshing out in order to cover the many aspects that could be covered. If you wanted to keep the title as is I would suggest expanding on the ideas in your piece and adding a few new concepts as well. Overall good job. Keep on writing!
I like the imagery in this poem because it makes me think of the beach and how peaceful or awful it can be there. Just depends on the weather. I think you painted the scene quite well with your words, overall. Some rhymes seemed a bit off, I suppose, but they still worked well with the poem. The poems feel seemed to have a rising and falling, which reminded me of an ocean wave. The end just made the wave seem to crash onto shore and shatter. I really did like it. Overall I think you have a winner here.
These 10 rules are very good ones. I'm sure that there is probably an infinite amount that could be added, just because everyone seems to have a piece of wisdom that they have. Overall I thought it was really nice to be sharing these rules with other so that it can help them as well. The whole part at the beginning was very nice before starting the list. Well done.
This story is definitely a good start to something wonderful. When it starts, it seems as though it is going to be like a village in the middle of the forest so you must hunt for food, then we have this random toy store and bar for them to go to. I'm not saying that it isn't possible, it just seems more likely that it would be a stand with toys, or a few benches with alcohol being served to everyone. That's just my two cents though. Also, I think that the whole idea of independence could be strengthened. The whole doll thing goes along with it, but yet some parts, like the girl giving it away, is a bit random. With a bit more in-depth writing and explaining it could do so much more for this story. One last point, you could show some more instead of telling. I know that I personally struggle with it and it seems to be what many authors dread hearing, but by providing description and providing a clear picture of the setting, it could boost the story to a whole new level. Overall a fantastic start that needs some tweaking, but it'll get there. Keep writing!
This poem is really sweet. it shows your appreciation and your gratitude perfectly. The rhyming can seem to be slightly forced in some areas and some lines are just a smidgen off sounding, but otherwise this poem is fantastic! The reader is enveloped by your gratitude and appreciation and that is what really makes this poem shine. Awesome poem, keep writing! Review 5/5.
This poem is very well written and something that is easy to relate to. I know I sure can relate. It's like one day we're on top of the world and then the next, we're the dirt on the ground, feeling awful. This poem has a bit of a bounce when you read it, which is really cool. Overall, very well written. Review 3/5. Keep writing!
A very strong poem overall. Some of the rhyming that happened is a bit forced and some is off. The poem really seems to have an unsteady structure, but that really goes well with not having the time to breathe, like spurts of energy or something. Overall, it is a very meaningful poem, but could maybe do with a few tweaks here and there. Just my opinion. Review 2/5.
Write on!
~Soccie~
I love how your imagery in this poem appeals to all the senses. It seems to capture the reader in a delightful torment of sense enchantment. The poem's style is very simplistic, but it gets the message told. I love how you used the story as the basis of your poem. Overall well written, and the color of the text makes the poem stand out even more. Thanks for the read. Review 1/5.
Write on!
~Soccie~
I like this so far. It's an interesting story, but the tenses change sometimes, especially near the end. You use a present tense and then you go back to the past which is slightly confusing. Near the start, your sentences could be fused to make stronger sentences to describe. Overall a good start. Keep writing.
I think that everyone should take the time to get to know everyone as well as you now know sci. Everyone has a story to tell and something new to bring to our mind for a fresh idea and perspective. I encourage you to keep up this quest of getting to know people more and hope that it brings you inspiration.
I do totally understand the dislike of valentine's day. I myself am not too fond of it. I do think though that "Hallmark Holiday" is a bit repetitive and gets boring fast. there are more words that you could use to describe and using different words would make your feelings stronger and really bring out your feelings to the reader. I liked the piece, I just think it could be beefed up a bit. Keep writing.
Cute! I can understand having a strong fear of something. I myself, am not a big fan of lightning and thunder. The thunder and lightning was once so close to our house that the house seemed like it was on mini earthquake mode.. scary. But anyway, I thought this was very well written and was quite captivating. You showed the true feelings of Hailey and the conflict of feelings with Ben. I think it really is awesome.
interesting question and interesting possible answers. I thought this was very unique in a sorta odd way.. no other way to describe it. Definitely is thought out and is very original. The question is clear and concise and there are many answer choices. Tis cool. :)
I found this to be an interesting topic. It is one of those topics that we all sorta wonder what is proper and what not. I am glad that you addressed this issue, since it seems like the tables are turning. Some people definitely have opinions on this and I hope you get lots of votes.
Meh, a decent story. The problems that I have with this is that it is not all the way polished. Some of the dialogue that you intended to have in italics is not and there are some small grammar mishap. One of which is looses (near the beginning, 3rd paragraph).. it should be "loses" to mean that it was lost. This story seems like it is very choppy and a bit rough around the edges. Some of the beginnings of sentences get a bit monotonous.. the only suggestion I can give for that is to read and edit. read it out-loud if you have to. Maybe then you will see some of the rough spots. Overall, this is a great story that just needs some TLC and editing. Once it is given that, I am sure it will be magical.
yep, definitely needs some work.. speeling.. mechanics.. all the normal editing stuff.. it sounds good so far though, and I like the way you are writing this. It makes it seem friendly and inviting. I understand that this is a work in the making, so if you would like me to re-rate and re-review later because it is still being worked on, that is ok with me. Good luck with all your writing!!
First Impression: This is a story about a big accident that causes injury and temporary forgetfullness.
Errors Found: I don't see any spelling errors or major grammar issues.
My Suggestions: Make each characters point of view have a space between the paragraphs and maybe make them seem different by using bold on one of the characters POV or maybe by using 2 different colors. If you edit this, you can always ask me to rate and review it again, so that this can improve even more.
First Impression: This is about a person who is at peace because the person that they love is going to come back and they are anticipating that moment.
Errors That I Found: Your title should be "Tranquility".
My Suggestions: This: "Hear you breathe or talk," might sound better if you make "hear" "Hearing" ; "Will be just fine. Let
Your eyes do the walking, and " In this, you have let on the line above, i would move it down next to "Your eyes do the walking" So that it would be "Let your eyes do the walking"
Concluding thoughts: This was a nice read and it doesn't have very many problems with it. I really liked this poem. It was short, sweet and to the point.
First Impression: This is acute story about a girl who loved to draw and then couldn't. She had to work to get back her ability.
Errors That I Found: This:'” Oh, how lovely it would be to get an easel,” Paige thought' should have a period at the end, inside the quote. In this: "Mr. Brooke was thinking very deeply about Paige’s art class’s she accidentally hit..." she should be he.
My Suggestions: Describe her perserverance a bit better and describe her excitement at the end a bit better.
Concluding thoughts: This is nice overall and just needs a bit of work. I thought that this was very cute and a good idea to write about!
Title of Item: Your Wish, O Father! is Mine
Author: SWP
Reviewer: Soccer
Plot/Story Comments: hmmm... a unique piece, although the ending was sad.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar Comments: This:oppo-nents
should be: opponents;al-lowed = allowed; the extra -'s in the middle of words is confusing
Other Comments/Suggestions: Just watch where you put the -'s otherwise it is odd and sort-of confusing. I think you should make it a bit more exciting.
~You've been reviewed by a Writing.Com Survivor Member~
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1009879 by Not Available.
Title of Item: Destinations
Author: uber1989
Reviewer: Soccer
Plot/Story Comments: Hmm.. interesting and creative content.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar Comments: centre = center??; excepted = accepted; realise = realize; you came her five = here; keep quite=quiet; Criticised = criticized; signalling=signaling
Other Comments/Suggestions: Just work on a bit more vocab (ex. flying could be soaring) Otherwise this is cool!
~You've been reviewed by a Writing.Com Survivor Member~
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1009879 by Not Available.
Title of Item: Pretty Attacked
Author: Kronocide
Reviewer: Soccer
Plot/Story Comments: Interesting idea of an army of food!
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar Comments: I believe mustachioed should be a man with a mustache. I don't know if that's what you wanted but if it is that might help.
Other Comments/Suggestions: I thought that this was creative and imaginative.
~You've been reviewed by a Writing.Com Survivor Member~
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1009879 by Not Available.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/soccerfanatic
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 5:06am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
