Neat. And true, which adds to it. My issues with it...
1. I'd change the numerals to spelled-out numbers. Not really necessary, I just think it would improve the aesthetics.
2. For this one, the syllables really need to be the same for it to flow right. The second stanza didn't match the first. The lines were: 7 syllables/4 syllables/5, second stanza 8/5/6. There's an extra syllable on the end of every line in the second stanza. When I read this in my head the first time, I had a nice sing-song rhythm going with the first stanza, like kids chant while they jump rope. With the second stanza, my rhythm was over after "For what". I ran out of syllables. Tough to explain, but it easily to ruined the poem for me.
It's sweet, but a little bland. I don't know how you could spice it up, but you need to. In my opinion. Other than that, all I've got for you is some grammar problems :)
The first sentence is a comma splice. You need to change it to a semi-colon, or add "and" or something else to link it together.
When you do dialogue... dang, this is hard to explain. Example time. “Great.” She said. It should be, "Great," she said. The first word in the dialogue tag is ALWAYS lowercase (unless its a name or something) and if there's a tag after the dialogue, then you NEVER end with a period. Use a comma instead. Another example: Convinced by the giggling sound coming from the tubes I added. “Your mother said it’s time to eat.” It should be: Convinced by the giggling sound coming from the tubes, I added, “Your mother said it’s time to eat.” Notice the two commas I added, one before "I added" and one after, instead of the period.
You have some unnecessary capitals. Ex: “It’s Time to eat, boys.” Time shouldn't be capitalized
I hope this helped!
Solembum
P.S. I found you on the Review Request page. If you could review my piece on there, The War Academy, I'd appreciate it :D
Aw, so sweet! A few things... 1, shouldn't it be, "As the light beckons..." instead of "As the light beckoning"? It makes more sense grammatically. 2, why does the first stanza end with a question mark? It seems like he definitely loves her, so why is he asking a question there?
I like how at the beginning, it seems like he's dying and reflecting back on his life. It fits with your title (The End) and it also seems appropriate since that's how a lot of guys look at marriage--like death.
I liked it, especially the surprise at the end. Isabel's brilliant.
There were a few places where the phrasing was a little awkward, but it wasn't often. Also, I wasn't quite sure whether this was 3rd person omniscient or limited. And if it was limited, I couldn't tell who the narrator was. Again, minor, but I did notice it.
A happy ending. I can't stand Gretta, although I suppose she wasn't a character I was supposed to like. The parson was a good man, I'm glad he ended up with someone other than her. I really liked it.
That was great. Hilarious. I few questions... the life preserver says, “Out hats saw this day coming, you know.". "out hats"? Is it a typo or am I missing something? Also, the first paragraph (not counting the line at the beginning) is missing a period at the end.
If it was Malfoy's first year, how did he know Snape? Also, the grammar isn't good. It's distracting when reading this. It would also be nice if you changed it so this wasn't all centered. And there should be enter spaces between the dialogue, and there need to be "" on either side of dialogue.
If you would fix this, I think it would be fun to read. It does seem interesting, but the grammar is too distracting.
Sometimes you use present tense, other times you use past. Pick one and stick with it. Also, there isn't really enough here to give it a glowing review. Most of this (the letter) is just copied out of The Sorcerer's Stone. Still, it seems interesting so far.
I stopped reading at relief at blood dripping down her arms. Creepy. Also, there's a lot of grammar problems. It's hard to understand what's going on sometimes because of that.
Interesting concept. I'm not sure I like it, but it is interesting. And it's well-written. I like how it's all dialogue, but you still get an idea of what the characters are doing and how they behave.
You need to keep a consistent tense throughout the story. It gets confusing. I think part of it was supposed to be past and part was supposed to be present, but I'm not sure which was which. It needs to be shorter. It got boring. Too much development for Noni. You don't need to put everything in.
I'll admit it: I don't read poetry. Normally, I don't like it. But this was good. It was interesting, it wasn't too long, it wasn't too short, it was understandable, and it was enjoyable. I like the line about "semi-sane" people. I think everyone plays charades sometimes.
Awesome! I started reading it and couldn't put it down. My one complaint is that sometimes it was confusing trying to figure out who the different gods were. I know a little bit of Egyptian mythology and that helped, but it would be nice if you gave a brief summary of the relevant myths. Also, there were a few times when your use of commas made it hard to follow what you meant. It was really fun to read it, although it frustrated me that Anubis was so awkward whenever he was around Khebit. It didn't make sense to me. You tied that up at the end, saying that he wasn't comfortable with himself and he had major projection issues, but it still seemed a little strange for someone he knew and loved that much. Also, did they ever get married? You say they were engaged, but did they actually ever have the ceremony? It was very consistent, except for one thing I noticed. During Anubis and Khebit's second meeting, it says "...though he was usually quite attached to his work--he always found the Judgment proceedings interesting--" which is very different from the beginning, where he's extremely bored and the ONLY thing he enjoys is his lessons. Despite that, it was really good and I definitely enjoyed reading it. ^_^
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 11:55am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
