i am reviewing this item as a free write, thus totally for raw content :)
I could easily Feel your words as you described them...such emptiness, such hopelessness. I felt drawn into the void with you. you did a great job with this imagery.
Great way to express yourself in a free write that has much potential to become more :)
wow! great writing :) i have no suggestions on this one...it is a very clear picture of how time has to figure out how to heal a broken heart. and how scary it is to be alone at first as well. thanx for sharing
I really really liked the imagery in this poem. you described the feeling of apathy and hopelessness so well. and i can relate to that for i often feel so invisible, so numb even to pain.
my suggestions are to maybe read through this poem a time or two more. i feel u have a diamond in the rough. there is a rambling quality which for one makes it hard to pay attention for some readers, and two the "flow" is quite choppy
ie..and this is a suggestion, forgive me for playing with your words
"Because now it truly is that they don’t notice me,
And that is my own fault. Not like before,
When I was there and aching to be seen,
Aching to be heard, and still ignored,
Shunned, left behind. Now I am a silent
Presence, not mocked, not hated, not liked,
Not noticed, just one more grain of sand on the beach
As the dirty water clutches at me, drags me backwards,
Pushes me forwards, drags me back again. "
unnoticed, a mere grain of sand on the beach'
who once ached to be seen
screamed to be heard
yet remained ignored.
shunned and left behind;
now a silent presence
neither hated nor liked
drifting backwards with the dirty tide
something like that you can create your own magic :)
great work.
please keep in mind that any thoughts I scribble here are just my opinion, you may take them with a grain of salt :)
overall, I think this is very good writing..straight and to the point.
my favorite stanza would have to be the second
"I try to erase
Everything I've done
But the path was carved in stone
I cry to save
My broken soul
But I feel the hopelessness in my bones."
here the author uses clear imagery to express the utter hopelessness he or she feels.
if the author feels the third stanza must be repeated several times, I feel the poem would be much stronger if it did not end on that note. Final stanza IMO should always be as strong or stronger than the first. I would have liked to have seen some punchy, heart wrenching emotional imagery in its place maybe.
wow!this is how i aspire to write...the words flowed into a poem of dark imagination showing me with darkest description and imagery how a disease spread and took a life of its own. mixing personification w/imagery 4 an awesome writing! tnx so much 4 sharing~kris
thanx 4 sharing this. i majored in philosophy back in college, it brought me back to those good 'ole days. lol. this is one of those poems that i think everyone has thoughts like that but are too scared to admit. i actually liked the rambling flow...it worked with the subject matter. tnx again 4 sharing ~kris
very good emotional piece. i have a disorder called borderline personality...i don't cut, i burn, but i can relate to the narrator. so this poem struck close to home. if this poem is nonfiction i hope u are doing better. great writing ~kris
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