I enjoyed the idea and imagery of the poem, however I feel as if you should try and re arrange it. Particularly in the first three lines, the flow is off and hard to read correctly. I would suggest moving words around between the lines. You may also consider making the sentences two stanzas.
I did enjoy your word choice. Got the message across with easy imagery, but wasn't quite a black-and-white boring statement either.
A very thought invoking poem, with well chosen scenarios. However, I felt fairly bored throughout. Though the idea is to invoke thought, I'm sure, I suggest perhaps...expanding the ideas somewhat, to draw the reader into the poem. However, great idea!
Very interesting poem that was certainly different than what I expected based on the title. Perhaps consider re-titling it? I enjoyed the repetitive use of the four short lines. Most of the poem was well explained, simple but nicely phrased. However, the line 'and take in its wake/ my heart's desire'. I was confused a bit at what exactly the desire was or was for. Perhaps a different word?
I believe you said this was in progress, so I'm just going to say mostly what I'd like to see when its finished. I like the contrast within the poem: its short, sweet, and all of it makes sense once you get used to the fact that it is all contrast. However, I'm slightly confused as to where this poem is going. I'm sure the end holds the explanation for it all, but you're going to have to explain a good bit, hopefully while keeping the short tone that works so well in the first part. Also, the first three stanza's start with talk of the man, but the fourth doesn't. If possible, perhaps try and reword the last bit to help with the repition in the poem? Over all, I like how it's starting, and am interested in it.
I would suggest trying to write this without rhyming. Many of the rhymes sounded forced and didn't flow well, dsitracting a reader from the great imagery. Along with this, I would suggest going back and altering some words. In attempting to find rhymes, a few of the lines got jumbled and didn't flow, making a bit of a mess. Your imagery was exception, but the execution could have been better.
I was surprised that I enjoyed this, as I'm not a huge fantasy fan. You did a great job of making the situation seem realistic, showing the emotion the man experiences through out exceptionally well. Some of the beginning lines I might go back and re-word, particularly the 3rd and 4th lines. They don't flow quite right. The rest however sounds great.
I love the idea and the emotion in this poem. I feel like i can understand your feelings through the writing. However, some of the wording was awkward or could have been better. I'm also slightly confused on the first stanza. I'm confused on how it connects to the rest of the poem, as you go from something like dancing to discussing how porcelain hands and your lover relate. I feel like the poem would be stronger without the first three lines.
I think gently would go better next to slowly, with just a comma, instead of the next line. I would also suggest rewording the line 'afraid so much' as its a bit weird to read and distracting.
Again, I love the emotion and metaphor in this piece!
Oddly, "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack was playing as I read this...
I love the rhythm and repetition used in this poem. A great set up that was stated but not forced or overly obvious, so it worked well with the poem. The extended metaphor was great, but I would like to...hear more. More imagery, more emotion, more of something to give the poem that general 'umph'. Over all though, a lovely poem with a great set up and very to the point.
I had a hard time following this poem. I would suggest using some sort of way to seperate the poem, be it skipping lines or adding more punctuation. Also, 'his arrow throws' sticks out from the poem, so I would mess with that.
Its a great idea, but needs some work. Maybe also go more into the emotion of the girl? Give more description of what she sees, how she feels, etc? A good start, but could use some work :)
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