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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spatrick90
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13 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Very interesting. Flash fiction is a tough medium to execute well, but you've certainly succeeded here. I felt suspense through most of the story--in fact, until I reached the end, I had intended to write something here about how you should make it clearer why she's so upset. But now I get it. In fact, you built the suspense so artfully that I found myself skipping lines as I got close to the end; I wanted to know what was going to *happen.* I do the same thing when I get close to the end of Stephen King novels, so consider it a compliment.

A thought occurs to me, as I consider the story: if her life is so terrible (she's just a beggar, after all), why is she so afraid to die? I feel like there's reason to include some back-and-forth in her mind between resisting her fate, and accepting it. After all, what hope does she have?

I'm still very curious about the story behind these mentions of some sort of deal or ceremony between her father and the Unknown God. I realize that the mystery is part of the story's mood, but you've almost gone a little too far in obscuring how she ended up this way. I am further confused by the phrase "lost her wishes." I might just be missing something, but that doesn't really make sense to me.

There were a few awkward constructions that I noticed:
-"She is sitting in her corner, when, with a flash and a clash and he is there, laughing." It seems like the last "and" in the sentence shouldn't be there. Maybe substitute with a comma.
-"The crowds cheer and throw flowers that catch in her hair and drape in a blanket over the horses." The phrase "drape in a blanket" does not precisely make sense. If you deleted "in," that would improve the sentence, in my humble opinion.
-"“Thank you.” His voice is vibrant with her life." Firstly, it's not precisely clear who is saying "thank you." I think it's the girl, but I can't be sure. Secondly, I was confused by the second sentence. I still can't really figure out what it means.
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Review of Cape Mission  Open in new Window.
Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wonderfully creative. I love the teacher; the English accent was a perfect touch, and the fact that she gives extra points for taunts was another. Alisa could use a bit more filling out--right now, she's just a generic young girl superhero-in-training. A few more touches like the one you gave the teacher, and she's perfect.

You did fool me with the beginning of the story. I thought the Hyena was going to be the superhero in the story, and it was only slowly that I figured out that he was just a guy engaged in some sort of criminal enterprise. I'd be curious to see some backstory on him and Riley--like why he's called the Hyena in the first place.

I got the sense that the cape had something to do with how far each student had progressed in their training. Was there anything to that? The teacher has a long one, Alisa has a short one, and some have no cape at all.

I think that the moment when the class descends to the level of the crime scene would be a perfect opportunity to throw in some other interesting superheroes. Maybe even a few that obviously have no future as superheroes--little fat kids or some whose superpowers are based on toasters... something like that.

All in all, another thoroughly entertaining read. You've got a great eye for unusual subjects, and your execution is near-perfect.

P.S. Check your "their" and "there." There was one notable misuse at the beginning of the story.
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Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Another winner from B.D. Mitchell! I had an idea of what the story would be about from the description--consider changing that for maximum effect, by the way--but the story really unfolded well. I was surprised to learn that the little girl was not, herself, Death, though that would have been interesting enough in and of itself.

But instead, you offered something far more interesting. And the way you dropped hints throughout--why would Death be named Emma? Why is she wearing a handkerchief? Why all the weird questions?--led to a building of tension that offered real satisfaction when we find out what she's really up to.

She was surprisingly quick for a ten-year-old. Her clipboard routine, her little jokes about how it didn't matter where he was from... they all sounded like someone a little older. I'm loath to tell you to change the story, but that was my impression.

Additionally, her line of questioning seemed to be going somewhere rather different until the reveal that she was a suicide. When she asked whether he'd been happy in his life, and seemed to be pushing him towards a "no" answer--she seemed to have some other gambit in mind. I'm tempted to suspect that when you were writing the story, you had something else in mind. But that's neither here nor there. Consider changing her tone during the questioning to one pushing him towards wanting to stay alive. She's trying to talk him into staying, after all, isn't she?

Altogether, an excellent story. The bus bit was hilarious.
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Review of In Memoriam  Open in new Window.
Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is amazing. I was *thoroughly* entertained by our friend Mr. Reeve. I laughed out loud the first time he declared that he was a wizard--I misread the brief description, so for me, the revelation of his profession came out of nowhere.

Your character's interactions with the desk clerk--especially the first one--are priceless. From "Did you just say ding?" to "Routers...", every back-and-forth could not have been better. I did, however, find myself wondering why he kept informing the desk clerk--even after altering his memory--that he was a wizard. I thought maybe he was just showing off, so to speak, having fun with the fact that he *can* mess with people's heads... but the explanation didn't really seem strong enough to make his continually informing the clerk he was a wizard realistic.

He's thrown off his game a bit when Lucy starts hitting on him. That was a little surprising, considering his nonchalance in reference to other, more dangerous situations, but it didn't really take away from the story. I'm just saying I would have expected a different response from him.

This is one of the best pieces I've found on this site so far. I don't know if that's saying a lot, since I joined *very* recently. But In Memoriam is well-written, hilarious, and has a cast of well-developed and memorable characters. I'll definitely be perusing your other work now.
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Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A tight little story. I like the way Callie is so nonchalant about things that we, the 'common idiots,' would find completely bizarre, like thinking of ourselves as "someone of stature."

I did not, however, understand the American Voice part of the story. If that's where Callie got her start, why is she bitter about it? It launched her career, didn't it? It sounds like it's a show she's been on recently, trying to revive her lost career...

I also did not understand what you were talking about when you referenced her marriage, "cobbled together after it was decided I couldn't make my own decisions." Who cobbled it together? What does that really mean? What does her apparent infidelity have to do with her drug problem? I can see how collapsing onstage would be a problem career-wise, but infidelity? Americans aren't quite as horrified by such revelations as they once were, to the point that it almost seems to be expected from entertainment celebrities.
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Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Why does it end there??? Things were just getting going! I wanted to meet Candace.

I've never been in a sorority--for obvious reasons--or even inside a sorority house, so it's hard for me to comment on whether the setting is believable. I don't know what a sorority house is *supposed* to look like, but the setting definitely fits the characters.

However, concerning the characters: in their physical descriptions, they're perfectly distinct, but I don't see their backgrounds coming through in their dialogue. Except for the Irish girl, most of them seem to talk too similarly. I read somewhere that to tell if your characters are distinct enough, take out all the description and the "___ said" lines, and see if you can still identify who's talking by the voice alone. If not, you maybe need some additional character development. I'd recommend doing what actors do--make up backstories for these girls, even if they never make it onto the page. Then their behavior will have motivations that are obvious to you, even if they only come through as hints to the reader.

Finally, I *was* homeschooled for most of my life, and I can identify exactly with Cyd's experience walking onto a campus for the first time--though my first time was during high school. The awkwardness, the grasping at any straw to make conversation, always saying the worst possible thing--it's all realistic, and some of it's very funny. Specifically, how she keeps commenting on everyone's name. That reminds me of something I might have done as a high school freshman, finally out in the world instead of locked away in a basement learning chemistry.

Cydney getting pulled by the ear was hilarious. However, it seems a little much for Cydney to come right out and say that Chelly's name is pretentious. I can see her violating social custom, but that's outright rude. Mom or Dad would have picked up on a tendency like that by now.

Her best friend is her cousin--fantastic. I don't know why you put him in Iraq, but the fact that her best friend is someone in her own family is telling; a deft move on your part.

There were a few awkward constructions, that seem to me to be easily remediable by using simpler language. For example:

-"Jen laughed, actually denoting a positive social moment for Cydney."
-"And her sultry, brown eyes and narrow mouth always made a cool, calm expression." The word "made" sticks out as awkward here.
-"The two girls then heard a faint remark of “an ass!” in the background." The idea is hilarious, but you need to rephrase this. "A faint remark of" specifically.

There are a few more--just review the work for things that don't roll off the tongue easily. Read this out loud to somebody, or if you're really brave, have them read it to you. Then you'll hear with greater clarity where the writing lapses a little awkward.

Despite the fact that they need a little development, I'm honestly curious to see more from these girls. Cydney is going to get eaten alive at this sorority--the process has already, to a degree, begun, it seems. Good stuff. The awkward humor reminds me of the American version of "The Office."

So please continue this story. I haven't looked at what else you've written, yet. But I'm going to. I'm hoping that Jen and her sidekicks at Rho Gamma Iota make an appearance somewhere therein.
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Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"A wife nowhere
My latest girlfriend does not care
Of course it helps that she
Is completely unaware"

... nice. You set me up to think she did. I actually chuckled at the 'punch line'--for lack of a better word.

Additionally, something about the short lines and seemingly haphazard rhyming gave me a sense of the confusion, in the moments when the wife is leaving, and when she's there--I imagine her pointing an angry finger at the speaker and shrilling. However, the style becomes something of a burden in the last few lines. You've changed the tone, no longer talking about a whirlwind of events that seem to leave you hurt and confused, but instead considering the future. Pondering, as it were. In that case, it seems like the last few lines--starting with "if she ever wants to get married"--would benefit from longer lines, and maybe a more structured rhyme scheme.

I felt the emotion of this piece, and that's saying a lot, because I frequently do not read a lot of poetry.
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Review by Patrick Kennedy Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Word choice is excellent. I don't know if I live in a place with the same general climate as yours, but this put me in the mind of my own experiences walking outside at the end of winter, and almost smelling spring, finally in the air after a long--and altogether too cold--winter.

On the other hand--and I know this is probably just a characteristic of the genre--I kept waiting for it to *go* somewhere. For some sort of observation, or comparison... it ended just when I thought you were about to get *really* interesting.

I thought, for example, that you'd end up turning the robins and the cardinal into some sort of reflection on something else.

And one, final note: the word "male" sticks out. It's of a different character than the other words in the poem, and is the single lapse in your otherwise excellent lexicon.
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