Great story which I enjoyed - and, for once, had great difficulty in pulling apart!
Especially liked the part where she is logging what the young offendedr looked like!
Have you worked in a bank? Because you mention the bait money without saying if this money is of the large bills first type that the young man wanted. If they were, surely they should have gone in first - if not, he wouldn't have wanted them anyway!
Nonetheless - a great story - wish I'd thought of it!
A good first draft - although a little disjointed in places.
Even blank verse has to have a beat, an inner pulse of its own.
Two pointers: Verse 2 I think you mean their and you have put there and, in V4 I believe you mean vain - not vane!
Work on it, it is worth developing.
Oh!
Oh dear!
Are things really THAT bad?
Oh, dear.
Although this would not be top of my list as subjects to deal with - it takes a brave person to tackle it and you have done it well.
However, I think that this could be improved by a touch of something - contrition, humour, hope - something.
After all, not all your readers will not care.
Keep up the good work!
Great idea which could be better served by being slightly shorter to keep up the dramatic punch - it waffles a bit in the middle and I don't know about you but I would expect mucker but not foul language from a seven year old to his father!
Seven year olds have an inate sense of self preservation - only teenagers would dare to cross that line of respect!
Also, read through as I think you will find one small mistake - through instead of threw!
Great effort - and has the possibility of being great.
Well, what can I say!
It scanned.
It made sense.
It was a great idea and I just wish that I could write like that!
And I cannot even engineer 250 words to earn the GPS!
Brilliant is only one word long!
Brilliant!
What a great idea!
Just a couple of things (literally!)
Lines 8 and 16 were too long and failed to scan properly - maybe you could cut them or use alternate words to convey the same emotion.
Great poem!
Wish I had thought of it!!
Excellent starting block - and I say that because it needs a bit of polish.
If lines two and four rhyme - then stick to that format throughout as it makes it flow better.
But the sentiment is excellent - so stick with it!
Um!
I think I am none the wiser having read it and if you don't know what you were thinking, I don't think I can help.
Having said that there are the bones here for a really good piece of work - so stick with it - and maybe you will find out what you were thinking about, too!
Keep working.
An excellent essence - but it lacked anything apart from a slightly half formed idea!
Sorry - but had it gone further; expanded slightly, it could have been, if not inspirational, then at least something to get off your butt for!
Work on it.
It has potential.
Again I find myself attempting to review my least favourite type of poetry - blank verse!
Having said that, the imagery was really good - I loved the dead brown flowers!
Could you perhaps find another word for 'Guarding' (or guard) as the two words in the same line would be strengthened if one or the other were changed.
Just a suggestion - and it has to be good because I found little else to mention!
Keep up the good work!
Great sentiment.
Having said that, I have the feeling that this is somewhat engineered!
Looks good but, as an elder statesman, I would wonder if there was something lost in the context in order to achieve the presentation!
Please enlighten me!
Do you have to lose a certain depth in order that the work will look great?
Because that is what you have done here, I feel.
Although I have no doubt that you are probably twice the poet that I will ever be!
Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing some more of it in the near future.
Probably not the best person to review this as I don't get all the long words!!!!
Joking aside, Si Fi is not my genre (and I presume this is the begining of such a book) but the 'feel' was excellent - which was enough to make me want to read on!
Even if I don't understand all the long words!!!!
The first verse does not scan as well as the other two which slightly detracts from the overall quality of the piece.
Having said that, the sentiment is excellent and this could easily be a really great piece of work.
Why is poetry so hard????
Great metre!
And that bit is hard!
I did, however, get a little confused half way through as I thought that the bubble had made it to the surface - and then had the impression that it hadn't!
Also, forgive the intrusion, but I felt that in verse two out in could be replaced with outer for a neater look and a bigger punch.
Just a personal preferance - please ignore!!!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spidernan/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 2:46pm on Jun 30, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
