Congratulations! Your group has been chosen to be the next beneficiary for "Invalid Item" . I started this activity to raise gps for some of the amazing groups on the site while also encouraging the activity this site was originally designed for (writing, reading, and reviewing). Thank you for all the good deeds and contribution that your group brings to this site, and remember "Write On!"
Great poems always equal great emotion coming through the writing and this one definately qualifies as such. You have a very loose format with this but it is grouped into sentences which I like, however I'm going to suggest something daring you could do to let the raw emotion come through. Take you sentences and delete all the filler words (I'll use your first line as an example of how I'd do it):
Original: His hands strong enough to lift my heavy heart
Revised: hands strong lift my heavy heart
Then after you've done that put back only words that solidify the lines and help them make sense.
Strong hands lift my heavy heart
Here I chose to reverse the first two words instead of adding more back in, you also would have to pay attention to things like rhythm and your syllable count to make sure it still flows nice.
Hope that gave you some ideas but of course it's only a suggestion, either way you have a beautiful poem here.
First off I love how you used the provided prompt words, they exist, but the story isn't about them. I see a lot of authors with prompts like these trying to make their plot revolve around the story but you did just the opposite and I like it. However there is an underlying question throughout the story that just keeps nagging at me. Why isn't John hers anymore? The question came up in the first few sentences and if it hadn't surfaced again I would have overlooked it. By adding, Maybe he was still hers. at the end you've reintroduced this question and it leaves the reader feeling like the story's unfinished. I realize that you had a word limit on this entry which may explain the missing piece of the plot, I hope when this contest is over you can expand this into a more complete and fulfilling story.
Really enjoyed this poem, I especially liked that the rhyme added to the depth. While in the middle it began getting a bit cheesy I really liked how you justified that with proclaiming that the poem was a joke. This poem definitely deserves it's award, good job.
This is a really entertaining piece, though I was surprised that it also sent chills up my spine. I'm not sure that it really belongs in the genre erotica, the rating covers the slightly sexual language nicely and I don't think this piece is really what people reading erotica are looking for. Overall I really like this piece and look forward to more writings from this world of Clowntopia.
After reading a couple poems in your port I see you appear to have a style you like to write in. While I'm not usually a fan of poems with such an intense rhyming scheme (sometimes it can look as though the author was more intent on trying to rhyme than with their word choice), I really like how this pulls off light-hearted romantic comedy. One thing I don't understand is why some of your words are bold, though they do lend themselves to a spooky feel and make me wonder whether this was written with a Halloween theme in mind. Overall, good job.
I really like the brown bunny poem, although I was thrown a bit by the syllable count. It has nice imagery and after getting used to the rhythem I think it flows well. The second poem I think is powerful in it's own right, and I wish you had created a seperate item for it.
I'm not one for writing erotica but I do enjoy reading it. While I usually frown on contests without a prompt I think it works well for this subject. Erotica is a pretty confined genre and doesn't need to be narrowed down much more than you've done. Excellent formating and I love the rose flogger image, good work.
These are great tips, and they've helped me get exposure. While I've always added my portfolio URL on networking sites which ask for my website, I never thought of tagging it at the bottom of my normal e-mail. Now it's my signature on both my school e-mails and my peers are joining this site to help them improve grade on papers. Thanks StoryMaster!
This poem really tugs at my heartstrings. I to feel like my boyfriend is my sanctuary. The one thing I disagree on you with is the title. Though I think you're referring to falling in love, the term "free falling" brings to mind breaking away and crazyness. Which definately doesn't match the poem. Maybe you could change it to "Falling for You" or something like that.
This is a poem that makes me think. I really like the reading challenge of turning an abstract poem into a message. My favorite part was how you put so much emphasis on the red toenails, coming back to them at the end. I had a picture in my mind, of a girl being uncloaked from nothing by a man. Everything in this picture was black and white except for those toenails. I hope I'm giving you the impression you were hoping for.
Loved it! My only suggestion would be to add some more line breaks between paragraphs. It makes it easier on the eyes. Overall this is a really cute story and perfect for children.
This is a really romantic story. I love how you used the italics and started with Lisa's thoughts, it was beautiful prose. The only thing is it seems just a tad unfinished. Both Dan and Lisa have unfinished thoughts which they seemed to want to say to each other. But they didn't in the story. Maybe you should add a little more dialogue at the end. Just an idea.
An okay start. Obviously this isn't finished. I noticed a typo or two so you probably want to go back and re-read. And adding a line break between each paragraph would make this much easier on the eyes.
Two specific things that bugged me, one was it seemed a bit awkward because nothings really happening. We meet two characters they go somewhere, they talk, they leave, repeat. There's nothing here that's really hooking me on to keep reading.
Also, this kind of reminds me of the awkwardness of crushes and the like. But I'd be shocked to know that was your intention for this story. Their friendship is obviously just blossoming, but it seems too strained.
"The Diaries of Lisa Lansing" are wonderful works. I can't wait to finish reading all the parts. One question, is this investigation real or fiction? This might seem like a stupid question but I'd like to know. In thinking this is true I find it difficult to give a real critique.
Good story, I love the connection to "Twas the Night Before Christmas" at the end. A few suggestions.
1) The end seems a bit cliff-hanger. Really just the last sentence seems a bit irrevlvent to the whole of the paragraph.
2) The sentences you have in parentheses kind of take away from the story when you read them. And it's really just random information. Anything you really want your readers to know you should try to incorporate into the story better.
3) The story seemed to be given away right when Santa asks Jr. to help him choose a new Santa. Until I got to the ending I thought it was his plan all along. His nickname itself really gives it away. I guess it just depends on how suspenseful you want this to be. Then again, children aren't likely to catch on to that.
Really funny, a twist on the usual spooky picture of a witch brewing in her cauldron. I loved the detail with tradition Halloween themes (frog warts, a cat).
I'm not sure I understand the bright idea mentioned in the last stanza. It seems a bit out of place.
This is a good start, but it obviously needs work. My first suggestion is that you give this a full proof-reading job. I found way too many typos. Next I'd suggest you develop your characters more, who are these people (names)? Who's the guest in the kitchen? Why are you taking a family vacation when it's so clear the marriage is going downhill? What link does "the village idiot" have in the story, and what's his name?
Until these questions are answered it sounds like an unorganized journal. And it's hard to feel emotion for the characters when we barely know them.
Don't get too discouraged, this has potential to be a really good biography.
Organized and attractive, I'm encouraged to see if the contest is as nice as you present it right here. There's just a few questions I'm prompted to ask whose answers you may want to include on the page.
1)Why are their no 3rd place winners or honorable mentions for Round 1?
2)Why doesn't the first place winner for Round 2 have a ribbon?
I did notice that you aren't the owner of the contest. However, most people would assume you knew these answers since you are showcasing the winners.
A very emotional story. There is some slight confusion at the beginning: "I’ll hold you til it’s over… The radio cranks out some faint tune;" Are those words to the tune, or just what she's thinking. You might want to put that statement at some other point in the paragraph so it makes sense. Other than that I really enjoied it!
Not a bad idea for a story. However this is really all over the place. The lack of organization makes this piece really hard to follow. And some of the transitions aren't really that believable. "As he pulled the door he heard movement behind him, following the sound the saw a bowling ball rolling across a double rafter. The ball rolled until it came to a stop against the end of a pair of skis, which bumped into a five gallon can of paint. The paint can fell off its shelf landing on top of a tall green duffel bag." That's a bit too much, even for a dream.
Also, there are a lot of typos and grammatical errors in here. That's something you should be proofing for before publishing it to the site.
Please don't be too put down by my low rating, this has some really nice potential. But it needs a lot more work.
This review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor .
A very touching story, though it still needs work. First of all, you switch voices, from Terry to "yourself," especially in the beginning. You should choose one and run with it to be less confusing for the reader. Also, Dana seems to be an important character but whe doesn't come into play until the end of the story, I think it would make more sense to introduce her earlier on. In addition, you describe her as a tough girl then have her burst into tears. Obviously people have limits, but it's a bit of a shocker since we don't know her that well. To conclude, there are a lot of questions a reader could ask relating to the fire. How did it start? Why were the windows boarded up? Where was Terry's mom? Why couldn't they reach the door? The vague description makes it harder to connect with the characters tragedy.
This review is being done as part of "Invalid Item"
Nice, though predictable. It's really more of a character sketch than a story. Also, you seemed to contradict yourself. You say, "he never understood how the kid had friends" then later "Tears were his only friends these days." It's obvious there is some explanation here, but I can't see what. There is no purpose to this story other than a rant to oneself. It needs to be developed more.
Nice, for what it's worth, you chose a hard topic and have a good start. Though save the line breaks you could almost call this an essay. There is one grammatical error in the first line: "The essence of love is the feeling that flourish in my body,". Also, the way you use the words "{c}you" and "I" almost interchangably makes in confusing to figure out which perspective you're coming from.
Don't take this too personally, it needs work but this is a very good start.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spiritashes
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 9:53am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
