This was riveting. Well written, good pacing, and your imagery was fantastic. I felt like I could picture the scenes, and hear the sounds, and even smell the odors as Eli was experiencing them. I enjoyed the contrast of the immediate experience to the thoughts and feelings he wrote to his mother.
I didn't catch any errors in spelling, grammar or mechanics, all seems to be in order.
Fantastic. I'll be back to read more of your port, I'm adding you to my favorite authors list.
Spyce
Overall impression: Great job, good story for 300 or less.
Nitpicky suggestions: Most everything looked good, just a couple of thoughts. The first line you wrote:
"You're late, son." With hands on her hips, Lisa faced Joshua in her bathrobe.
Saying "son" in that way seemed like a more male thing to do than female, just my perception perhaps. Maybe just re-arranging it to "You're late." With hands on hips, Lisa faced her son in her bathrobe.
The only other thing is a minor detail. You identified the teen as Joshua, but then he was identified as Aaron when he ran to his mother.
Overall impressions: Hmm. This is interesting. It's a very narrative style that sort of had me picturing an old black and white detective film. With a classic guy behind a desk with a cigar, and a pretty lady in distress, and a narrator, usually the P.I. narrating his own story. I like the narrative styling, and the general idea of the story.
Tips/Ideas: I was a bit confused at the transition from night to day. It seemed at the beginning you were setting us up for Verb's story, it seemed to get into his head and thoughts. But then when daylight broke Verb was forgotten and Emblem's story was told. I'm also confused about what sort of person Emblem is. He is not an "outsider", yet could eat anywhere he wanted for free. He could pay for his breakfast even though he didn't have to, yet only owned a mattress, chair and a cup. He refers a couple times to there being work to do, but I'm lost on what that might be, why it's important.
Unless Verb and Emblem are the same person, nighttime and daytime versions, I'm sort of lost.
The only other thing I miss here is detail. The things he sees or smells, or hears walking down the street, or in the diner. What the waitress looks like, what sort of clothing is he wearing, etc. What does the city look like? I couldn't picture him or where he was.
Granted, if this is a prologue to something longer, it will likely make more sense when the story is read. And maybe I'm just missing something profound. Just wanted you to know what thoughts went through my head while reading this. I hope it helps.
Spyce
This story reads like a movie plot, very clever. If you'd had more than 1,000 words to work with, it could have been fleshed out a bit. I'd love to know if Stan ever asked Freda out, and if he generally relaxed after the tripping incident, and whatever happened to Homeless Guy. To me it's a sign of a good story, that it was enjoyable, and it left me wanting more! Keep it up.
Spyce
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