Hello Thylacine,
I just joined "Help me get published," and saw your review request. Hopefully something I can offer will help you. Keep in mind, I am not published and still have a lot of work to do myself. I overuse adverbs (it's a sickness), I mix up my tenses sometimes, and comma's are a mystery. BUT, I love to tell a story, so there's hope for me. Anyway, with that said, I hope my review will somehow help you.
The first part of this (in my opinion) bogs the reader down in back story. There is A LOT of information here. London is wracked with plague, Edmond's mother was believed to have killed herself, but Edmond knew better (murdered by a priest?), he's been walking the streets ever since her death, he saw a headline in a newspaper stating his father had been killed, he meets a young boy named Jacob, and Jacob hides him from a priest who comes looking. That's a lot for the reader to absorb and much of it at this point doesn't do anything to move the story forward.
Think about starting the story when Edmond realizes he's being followed by the priest and he runs into Jacob. It's a much more interesting part of the story and could really hook your reader in right at the beginning. Some of WHY's can be answered as you move through the story. We (the reader) don't need to know so much right from the beginning. ...makes me want to turn the page.
I liked the interaction between Edmond and Jacob. Very good characters.
Something I struggle with, and it seems you do to, is writing with a passive voice. Be careful not to use sentences such as:
The streets of London were littered with the bodies...
He had walked the streets since...
All he had hoped for...
A passive voice happens when a form of "to be" is followed by a past participle. Look for these words: is, are, am, was, were, has been, have been, had been, will be, will have been, being...whew, that's a lot. Now, are they followed by a verb that ends in "ed"? (Note: there are some exceptions to the "ed" rule: paid and driven are a couple of examples) Fixing these will help clarify your writing. I hear they consider us lazy writers if we don't. If I haven't explained this well enough...and I probably haven't because I'm still tormented by it, try looking it up on the internet. Learning it now will pay off in the editing process later. (at least that's what I'm telling myself).
The other thing I would suggest is to add some of Edmond's feelings in. He's just lost his mother. Is he scared? worried? angry? He's getting ready to leave everything he knows and become a cabin boy. Is he elated? nervous? sure of himself? Help me relate to him. Feelings puts some flesh on your character.
Overall, I have to say I'm interested in the escapades of Edmond and Jacob aboard ship and you did a good job with the dialog. Jacob makes me smile.
Keep writing,
Piper
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