You have a great poem here, so much emotion, and the shock ending is well done, too. 'A person has to be brave to write of such things, because there is often negative feedback on volatile issues. I thought you made a powerful statement here, especially when showing us what 'invisible band-aids' meant. Good job.
Hi,
I clicked on this because I liked both the title and the brief description. (And because I have chronic insomnia!)
I like the idea that sleep is a time machine. My favorite verse is the first one, but I like the last one as well.
Some suggestions:
I would change this:
And this concept gets you thinking
to
And this concept gets me thinking
as the way you have it sort of takes me out of the "voice" of the poem as it changes from first person to second person.
Sleeps the time machine left unable
In that line, I think that you might mean
Sleep's (?)
One of my favorite lines is:
At night I haunt my pillows
I really liked the way you ended this, in a surprising yet tender way.
Here's a few things that caught my eye:
the label appearing and reappearing with each revolution.
--I could see this quite clearly.
The world was slowing down.
--I liked this phrase.
the side of the knee high fridge
-- knee-high
towards the make-up table coming to rest against the chair with my name
--I'd write either:
towards the make-up table[,] coming to rest against the chair with my name
OR
towards the make-up table [and] coming to rest against the chair with my name
drew the blinds fully.
-somehow that didn't come out quite right; something about drawing fully... [sorry]
Great shot. Take the photo of your wife and two kids out of the frame
--Loved the irony in those words.
I tried again, this time it rose for an instant,
--I'd have written either:
I tried again, [and] this time it rose for an instant,
OR
I tried again[;] this time it rose for an instant,
I enjoyed sharing your 'nightmare.' As always, if you see something you don't agree with in this review, feel free to ignore it.
The first thing I noticed was how well written this is. It caught me and pulled me into the scene immediately. The descriptions were very well done, easy to "see."
My hands grip the wheel unnaturally hard.
-This was an akward sentence for me. The word "unnaturally" didn't "seem right". Sorry that I can't be more specific than that.
-The following sentence, as well: Once again the eye reflections wink out and relight at the edge of the road.
Other notes:
-I liked this line, liked the way you create an almost rhythmic spiral of unease: I fly along and keep my vigil with the sides of the road. Left, right..then left again.
and pumping adrenaline into my veins. Thump, Thump, Thump.
-Up to you, of course, but I'd italicize Thump, Thump, Thump, just for the visual sense on the page.
firing down the road like a rocket.
-That's nice, you kept the verb the same as the noun: firing, rocket. [There's a better way to say what I just wrote, but I can't seem to get it to emerge from my tattered brain at the moment!]
between my two hands on the wheel.
-redundant, since all most people have are two hands... *grin*
To no avail,they're glued to the wheel
-I'd change that comma to a semi-colon:
To no avail: they're glued to the wheel
My leg stiffens but I can't get on the brake.
-Gives the wrong word-picture: seems like you're saying you can't get yourself on the brake.
Excellent ending; it lives up to the story's promise. The feeling of horror-filled dread carries thru the entire work. Good job!
I really liked the title and your brief descrip: very original, so it caught my eye. That's why I clicked on the link to come here. Great opening lines, as well.
*a powerful lines*
Who decided this was best for us?
And if you hear it…..
Some typos I noticed:
(I never call them 'errors'!)
Like a cold winters blast
* winter's
sun dappled
* for this word I'd write
sun-dappled
(but not every writer uses hypens the way I do.)
many rainbows have past us by?
*many rainbows have passed us by?
(That's a great verse, btw.)
A strong ending, as well. Powerful emotions are shown in this poem. Well done!
His eyes have become serious lately, so full and blue, crystals in a stream.
Very nice imagry. Your similies show a lot of thought. Nice not to see cliches.
Every knock on the door stopped my heart.
Intense!
Writing is therapy. When life is too hard...
Same for me! I go to another world when I'm writing.
Great beginning! It pulled me right in. Too many writers forget the rule to start in medias res.
Some minor points:
His good looks ensured a number of crushes, and predictably Kate
*I'd put a comma after "predictably."
I'm really glad I ran into you, Kate. I feel like it's my duty.” He shot her a glance under his lashes gauging her reaction.
*I'm the first to admit that I don't write romance, so feel free to ignore anything I say in that direction. But two things in this passage made me think, "would a guy do/say this?"
1. is "really glad". I think that a guy would be more inclined to just say "glad". It's more concise writing, anyway.
2. Do guys glance at gals from under their lashes? It seems to me that that is something a gal would do, not a guy. But maybe it's just me. LOL
Right before Kate’s eyes his
* I'd use a comma after "eyes."
Right before Kate’s eyes, his
(Then again, I might not use "right before her eyes", because that's sort of a cliché line.)
he shook his head throwing off strings
* I'd add a comma:
he shook his head, throwing off strings
Well, other than the fact that I'm inclined to use more commas than other writers, I didn't see much in the way of problems with mechanics in this story.
The story itself kept me interested, and I enjoyed the ending. "The ending is the most important thing," as some of Stephen King's characters are wont to say. *grin*
I love the rhyming rhythm of the first few lines. It immediately sets the tone, as if mimicking the way being on a boat can make you feel.
(Did you do it that way on purpose? Just curious.)
I also liked how the paragraph ended, with those three words. All in all, a great opening.
Here's a few things I noticed for which I can suggest changes:
“Hello daddy,” his daughter’s voice ...
--“Hello, Daddy.” His daughter’s voice
[Because those are actually two lines/sentences, not one continuing one.]
Mitch watched as she sat on the ground, crying next to her ice cream, which had fallen.
--Mitch looked at her where she sat on the ground, crying next to her fallen ice cream.
(or something like that.)
--I liked the lines that follow, from: The spinning, spiraling, twisting dairy product fell slowly, so slowly, and he could only watch. ... and he couldn’t do a thing to stop it.
--I can almost see it falling, because the description is so well done.
(One exception: I'd change "dairy product" to simply "ice cream". The other words sort of jarred me out of the story, made me think, "What fell?")
Ok so we just wait for the workers
--Use a comma after "OK", because it's an introductory clause.
... had nothing to show for it, and probably caught a cold from the sea breeze, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.
--That's about the same thing that my husband says about fishing!
Nice ending,as well. I like the way you set the scene, and followed it through. I even felt a bit relaxed myself as I read the ending lines. I enjoyed reading this.
If you have any questions about the suggestions I've made, feel free to email me. I know that I can be wrong! Take what you like and leave the rest. But I hope that this review has been helpful to you.
Why "Steve's Place"? Because sometimes the action on my favorite In&Outs slows to a crawl and I get tired of waiting for you lazy posters to drag yourselves away from the TV or ebay or your family or wherever you waste your time when you should be posting.
LOL ...that's hysterical. I've often felt the same way myself. (In more than one website, even!) I'll bet you're a "Type A", like I am. It was fun to read this, so I'll be back.
Very enjoyable poem! It made me grin (and I'm an Eagle's fan, too!).
My favorite lines were these:
I admit I didn't listen
when you burned up a piston
I know I'll be dearly missin'
some wheels of my own.
-The only nitpick I have is that it sort'a fizzled out at the end, there, in the last two lines. Seems they don't live up to the rest. But overall, an enjoyable read!
Keep up the good work, and I hope you enjoy yourself at Writing.com!
This is a beautiful and haunting work, especially this line: His funeral, just a puff.
Intense!
Since this is a review, I guess I should look for something to suggest, something to offer, but I really don't see anything I'd change, because it's good the way it is.
There are some minor things, I guess:
1. If it were me, I'd not capitalize "World", but I would cap "Heaven."
dirt is dry- no longer fresh-
2. And in that line, I'd type the n-dashes differently, like this:
dirt is dry - no longer fresh -
That's all I have to offer; I think it's a fabulous poem. I like the first verse the most, but the last one tugged at my heart.
Cordially,
Starr*
P.S. Can I use this in the newsletter, as well?
Hi,
I saw your request at the Request page, so I thought I'd drop by. I like your poem, but I'm not really qualified to give a lot of advice.
I like the "feel" of the poem, and the atmosphere that it creates.
The only thing that I didn't like as well (and this is subjective, of course) is that it's a bit vague. Not to say that poetry can't be that way, but for me, a sharper image would be preferable.
I hope this is a bit helpful.
Write on!
Very entertaining! I love how you fitted in the Grateful Dead. Gave me a smile.
This really made me grin: Everyone always had a ring or two hanging by the back door and a lint covered chunk in their pocket.
...if you take this chili from the stove and instead of serving it put it in the fridge for a day...
True, very true! I love making chili, it's always an adventure. I think I'll give your recipe a try.
I saw your question "Invalid Post" at "Invalid Item" , so I thought I'd make a quick visit. From what I can see here, your grammar is good. Offhand, I only noticed one little thing--you missed a period here: “Boys, it needs Chile”
This is an entertaining read. Thanks.
Feel free to stop by that forum any time, and welcome to W.com!
Well done! This is so true; I can really relate, espc. with the last few lines. Ack! Sometimes I want to hit myself over the head with a hammer, just to get some rest.
I loved the first two lines, they set the mood immediately. The imagery in this poem is beautifully done. Nice work.
Yikes! Easy to see why he'd run screaming.
OH, this was such a blast to read. I just LOVED these lines!
Yoda rubbed the bumps and knots on his little skull.
"Now you must learn to talk like an idiot, yes?”
...and many others. Excellent fun for Star Wars fans. And that picture at the end...it's perfect. Thank you for a fun read. (And don't ask if I saw any typos this time...I was too busy giggling!)
First of all, I loved both the puns in the title and the way you wrote the short descriptions.
Strangers that have possessed my friends.
What a fabulous line!
In fact, from these words: I run a hand across ...
to these words: protected, by my side.
--I was just blown away by the descriptive beauty and ...oh, I just don't have the words to describe how your words made me feel. This is a stunning poem! Thank you for sharing this with us.
Although I understand that you're trying to set a mood with the first paragraphs of this piece, I can't help but think that it might be better to start with this paragraph: It all started for me on the day after Thanksgiving
But that's just IMO; use your own judgement, of course.
I thought your descrip of the deer and the character's reactions afterward were very well done.
This must have been going on for years and years, I realized. It was unreal.
Instead of "It was unreal", might I suggest: "It all felt unreal." The other version sounds like "author intrusion"--i.e., telling the reader what to think/feel.
(What I mean is, it's all ready so horrific as to seem unreal, so we don't need the declaritive statement.)
“It’s getting about time to burn the stack again,”
This is a truly chilling line, on so many levels, not the least of which is that it's just "The Stack" to those men. *shiver*
Same with this line, and the one comparing it to stealing tax money-- so as to keep ‘em under control.”
Excellent descriptive phrases showing us the character of these low-lifes.
“Oh, you’ll live,” said Tom. “Now lets get this done
[Should be let's get...]
“Out behind grandpa’s old place, back in the woods,”
When I read that line, all I could think was, "Oh my God, the dad KNOWS!!!"
I arrived back at my parent’s house unnoticed.
[Should be parents']
where I noticed lots of dry eyes, and very few wet ones.
The last part of that line is missing something; the "lots of dry eyes" is OK, but I think you could easily write something more descriptive and telling than simply "wet ones". (Maybe even write "a lot of dry eyes".)
or disappearances in town.
How would he know this? Perhaps you could write something like "and I heard of no other disappearances in town."
This is a chilling piece, all the more so because it could easily have happened--or still be happening.
well done! Hope this helps a bit.
Oh, this was really fun to read! You did such a good job of setting the scene, and showing the reader the funny side of the story.
I certainly wouldn't chose eating quills as the "proper" way to suicide! LOL I can't even imagine how much it hurt to have that thing pulled out--and the day afterward, too! yikes.
It's cool that you could turn a trial like this into a humorous story. I didn't click on it because of the green ribbon, but because of the great Short Description you had. If everyone wrote descrips like that, fewer people would complain that "no one reads my stuff."
You do wonderful work here. This group has given upgrades to many of my friends. It was a wonderful idea, and I'm glad to see that you're so successful. Keep up the good work! Here's a few GPs to help keep it going.
What a wonderful first line! A lot of this reminded me of the feelings I had for my own dad.
"You see men like my father don’t get sick and they definitely don’t die. At least not until they are 100 and die in their sleep peacefully."
How true, how true!
This was a beautifully touching tribute to your dad.
Now...the reason I read this is because I’m the editor for the upcoming Writers' Circle newsletter for May 26th. In this issue, I'm concentrating on items that people have written for family members, especially tributes to family. This story fit in this category very well, so if it's OK with you, I'd like to use it. Thanks.
If you're interested in the newsletter but not yet signed up, click here:
I really like your first four lines, and how the fourth line echoes and underscores the title.
I also liked this line: My eyes of faith are torn away-
I thought this was an emotional poem, written about a subject that will always be painful.
Now, I'm no poet, so I can't be of much help, but I do want you to know that I thought your poem was well done.
Starr
Starr
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