This letter from God is very interesting, something I've never seen before. I like how you take it from that perspective and write about how God feels like his people don't care enough about him. However, I think you should include more of a back story on Brian. It would also be cool to see his reaction to God's letter.
This was extremely powerful. This could really give some people hope. This also helps other girls to realize that they don't always have it so bad. And sometimes, it helps other people realize that they are not alone. What I really liked about this poem was that it really told a story, but it wasn't a free verse but it had a lot of rhyme and rhythm. Keep up the good work! (:
What I really like about the story is that Lincoln and Kyle are both very believable characters. Especially during the bathroom scene, which I thought was hilarious, btw. I think it is in fact very believable and sounds like typical ninth grade boys.
What I am very confused about however is where is the rest of the school while Lincoln is in Sackridge's class? That is the only thing that doesn't make sense to me.
I am very hooked by it and I hope to see more of it. (:
Didn't catch any other mistakes. I really liked it. However at first, I thought it was a girl talking to a guy. I didn't realize it was a guy talking to a girl until you talked about her being a mom. My only suggestion would be to make it a little more obvious that it is a boy talking to a girl, which by the way, makes the poem especially sweeter. (:
I really enjoyed William's character. He reminds of someone who is like "Do you know the square root of 784937307849705? Yeah, me either!" But in a different kind of way. I think he wants to find somebody who knows him better than he knows himself, because he doesn't seem to know himself at all! I really enjoy this and I think it would make a wonderful script. If you ever post something else up, keep me updated! I would love to read it. (:
I loved this poem and every word almost brought me to tears. This is probably the saddest thing I have ever read in my entire life.
It was very well written, except for there are some spelling mistakes.
"Im not gonna stop you from crying , cuz i need it"
If you want to write that, you should at least spell it 'cause.
"Im not gone yet... not for ever"
"Forever" would be one word, not two.
"My life isint over yet"
isn't.
Another thing I would fix is the "TIME TO MOVE ON." No son wants to hear their mom say "Oh yeah, you're the best son ever, but just move on from me." That's not really comforting, and everything else is almost soothing/comforting except for that line.
Every one would actually be one word.
"Till you join me in the New life..."
I would say until or 'Til.
"I am truely gonna miss them too...."
"Truely" is actually spelled "Truly"
"But im leaving in peace for i know u will take my place "
I would spell out you.
Besides some spelling things, it was very good. This has a lot of emotion. Good job! I hope to read anything else you write. (:
This poem really touched my heart, seriously. My grandfather passed away about two years ago, and he's the first person that comes to mind when I hear this.
It's very well written but there's some spelling mistakes.
I don't know if you don't want to capitalize the "I's" but if you do, they should be capitalized.
"This could be my goodbyes." If you're going to use "This" you need to use "goodbye." If you want to say goodbyes, you should say "These could be my goodbyes."
"But really I will always be with you and hear your cryies" I think that should be cries? I don't know though, maybe you're trying out a new word?
"Even when you cant see me, or the suns shining to bright" You used the wrong form of "to." In that sentence, it will be "too."
Also, if you're going to use a comma there, you should use a comma anywhere else that it's needed and use an apostrophe in cant.
"I love you so dearly i maybe gone for now" Maybe would be two words. "I love you so dearly I may be gone for now."
This poem almost made me cry. It was amazing. I really liked it, and I know exactly what you're going through. Keep writing, and if you ever need feedback, send me a message! (:
There were a lot of great things about this story, and it captured a lot of emotion. The fact that everyone remembers their first love is a big one.
One thing I really liked about this was that it was realistic. Teenagers joke around. They go to parties. They make mistakes. They drink/do drugs. And most importantly, they fool around just because or just to get it over with. And you depicted that so well and it was very believable.
One thing you can change is giving them each more...personality. I feel like there's no description about how they act. What are their likes and dislikes? What are their hobbies? Things like that. That is the only thing I actually wonder about while reading this.
Another thing you can change is the last section with his new wife and his daughter. I was very confused by that and I had to read it again just to understand. One thing I like to do when switching time periods or something is do this:
So it breaks up the time period. However, some people don't like doing that. That's my personal preference. You have to do what you wanna do though.
The last thing I really liked was the fact that even 20 years later, he still thought about Reese all the time and he still remembered everything they did together. Most people always remember their first loves, and I love this story because of that.
This piece made me feel extremely sorry for the main character, having to leave some amazing guy who just asked her to prom. Moving at any age is tough. I remember moving in second grade and me having to adjust, and make friends. I can only imagine how moving in high school would be. Having to leave your hometown, your crush, your best friends, everything. And you really capture that emtoin. Especially that last paragraph.
The dialogue flowed and actually sounded pretty natural.
The beginning of this story was really good, and I hope to see more of it. If you ever have add anything else to this, I would absolutely love to read it. I'm hooked already!
The only thing I would change is maybe give it some more detail as she's in the car leaving. Talk about how she'll miss the Florida heat, something like that. It will bring more emotion to it.
Otherwise, I like it a lot. Good job! (:
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