You had a great hook. I think your beginning paragraph was compelling. It made me curious as to what, exactly, had ended so simply and drew me right into the story.
The details you threw into the story were what really brought it to life for me. For example, I loved this line: He found it a strange twist that here in the middle of a town with less than 800 people, they found it necessary to wash their cars. Southerners, he thought, can't keep their mouths clean and a family feed, but can find the $15 a week to wash their vehicles! Great.
And here's just a silly little nitpick but I laughed a little when I read about the $500,000.00 home in the Hamptons. Being from Long Island originally myself, I'd venture to say that I don't there are too many homes going for $500,000.00 there. Probably more like 4 times that. LOL. And that's a conservative estimate.
Just a few small typos that I noticed:
-- In the second paragraph "half way" should be one word, "halfway".
-- In the third paragraph, "black berry" should also be one word, "blackberry".
-- In this piece (Auto parts store so the local boys had way to repair their toys it looks like it should either be "a way" or "ways".
I know you've only recently joined our little community here and that you put this story together at the last minute for the Midnight Buffet, so I don't want to nitpick too much on grammar, spelling, and the like because I know that'll come with an edit. I think you did a great job with the amount of time you had to put this together. Kudos to you for that.
One suggestion I would make in the larger picture of the story, would be to get into the heart of the plot sooner. You have some great stuff here -- it just starts fairly late into the story. Your hook is good. I think you just need to get into the meat of it a little bit sooner.
Again, this is a great story, and please remember that my suggestions are only one person's opinions. Ultimately, only you know what's right for your story.
Thank you again for entering my contest. I really enjoyed reading this.
I love your first line (Your smile has doused the flames.). It really drew me in. There is also some really lovely imagery throughout (eg. a crown of lilies).
The rhythm felt off a little at times, though, and the rhyme felt forced in places. I think those two things are definitely connected, because the last two lines in each stanza, where there is no rhyme, seem to flow much better.
I really enjoyed this. There is some wonderful imagery throughout your poem -- vivid and visual and unique. I particularly liked how you began with the line: Sanity is not a fountained garden. It's such an unusual, rather abstract idea and yet oddly powerful.
If I might make a suggestion, I think the poem might read a little bit more smoothly if you didn't capitalize every line and capitalized, rather, only at the beginning of a new "sentence" and/or thought.
eg.
Sanity is a mural painted
On a whitewashed rotting
Barn, with kindergarten colors;
The meaning of life is in the
Horses and hay; the meaning of art
Is in the splinters poking through
The finger-painted heart
becomes:
Sanity is a mural painted
on a whitewashed rotting
barn, with kindergarten colors.
The meaning of life is in the
horses and hay; the meaning of art
in the splinters poking through
the finger-painted heart.
This might be personal preference, but I think the capitalization of every single line gives it more of a staccato feel, and your poem otherwise feels quite rhytmic and flows beautifully.
You'll also notice that (in my suggested re-write of the stanza), I deleted the word "is" just before in the splinters. Again, just a suggestion, but it felt a little like prose there, and I think the deletion of that single word would improve the flow.
My only other suggestion would be to rethink some of the rhyme in the final stanza. (roof/proof) and surround/abound. I wasn't sure if this rhyme was intentional, but I didn't get the impression that it was. If not, it seemed a little off from the otherwise non-rhyming of the poem (with the exception of art/heart in the second stanza, which felt fine). For the roof/proof rhyme, maybe just altering your line structure might help, as in just bumping the word "proof" onto the next line.
I really enjoyed this poem. It's definitely one of the better poems I've read here on w.c. Beautifully done. I'll look forward to reading more of your work.
Great title. It drew me right in. The poem is very nicely done and has a beautiful message as well.
I particularly liked the line: Of the fork not the knife. in the context of the good things in life. It's an unusual way of looking at it. Really original.
One suggestion -- you might consider splitting this into more than the one long stanza to make it a little easier on the eye. With several stanzas, you could also create more emphasis on certain images rather than risk losing them in the bulk of a single stanza.
Just an idea, though...
Also, just a small note:
In the line: I want to create a Michaelangelo freeze . -- I think the word you actually want is frieze rather than freeze.
I found this to be a very solid, compelling poem. I love the imagery you create in your first stanza, equating the absence of your husband with being an amputee. I thought it worked quite well. The form felt good -- the short lines moved the poem along quickly, which I liked. For the first few stanzas I liked your choice of capitalizing certain words, but towards the last few stanzas it felt forced, not as natural as at the beginning.
I loved the poem overall, but I found the ending stanza to be the weakest. It just -- and this is just my opinion -- didn't feel as strong or as concrete as the rest of the poem.
Otherwise, I think this is really good work. Nicely done. Thank you for sharing.
I enjoyed reading this. Your images are vivid and fresh, and I like the strong words you've chosen to convey your sentiment. I thought that the short lines did make the poem's rhythm a little bit too fast. This seems like such a thoughtful, reflective poem, that perhaps longer lines might slow the poem down nicely. Just a thought, though...
Your poem is compelling and clearly heartfelt. I enjoyed reading it. It felt at times, however, more like prose than poetry. You might want to consider paring down your words just a bit.
...and I had trouble with use of the word "whimpering" in your last stanza. It seemed somehow belittling to the idea of grief. (just a thought).
I think this poem has potential. You convey the emotion well. It left me with a lot of questions, which sometimes I like even more than being left with a lot of answers.
This is a really nice effort. I'll look forward to reading more of your work. Good luck with this one.
I liked this. You convey some very strong emotions here, and you do it well. I like how you use the metaphor of the tornado.
There are a few typos in the first stanza:
-- until it grows to large (should be "too" large)
-- surrounds my completely (should be "me")
I notice that you use a period in the first stanza and the last stanza, but not in any of the others. I would suggest either punctuating everywhere or taking out all the punctuation. My personal preference is to continue punctuating throughout. I think it would add to the flow of your piece.
I really liked this. It has a great deal of potential. With a little more polish, it could be even better.
This is a wonderful start. You've created a compelling heroine here, dark and yet sympathetic. I like how you set her as a "devil among angels."
Your prose flows nicely, and you move the plot along, which is great. Though she's really just watching things, at this point, your plot still moves forward. Great.
I had a bit of trouble with the scene where she first sees the man. She seems to know so much about him, and yet we don't quite know how. She's watching him from a distance. You say she can hardly see him (just his "brief outline" -- and yet, she goes into great detail about him. I understand that she somehow recognizes a kindred spirit, but perhaps this could be a bit clearer as to "how" she knows this.
Also, at times, you tend to "tell" rather than show the reader. (eg. "startled, by every slight sound her keen supernatural hearing could pick up."). You could make this even stronger by giving us an idea of what, exactly can she hear. Does she hear the breaking of glass several blocks away? Does she hear snippets of an arguement from the apartment complex? I would love for you to go into detail with something like that.
Seriously, this is a great beginning. I look forward to reading more of this piece. Good luck with it. Very nice work.
I was intrigued with the concept you've brought into this story, and I'd love to see you expand on it. Your prose flows beautifully, and your concepts and characters are obviously well thought out.
Still, it felt a little rushed, sometimes almost like you were summarizing more than storytelling. I'd like to see a little more showing and a little less telling.
This could be a fabulous story. I could see it being a much longer piece. Please let me know if you decide to expand on it. I would be pleased to re-review it if you do.
Great effort.
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