That was powerful. I admit I was prepared for something cute, maybe the emotional equivalent of pastel colors, but this was more like the dark red of burning embers, the black of a parent's scream. I can even see my own kid ignoring a burning world in favor of tying his blasted show. How did you come up with this?
This one elicited an emotion from me. That's an automatic 5. Nice job.
Not bad, but it might need another draft. A little too much confusion with the dialog. The general rule is to start a new paragraph with each person's line of dialog. It might even help when Amanda is doing her internal "thought" dialog.
Unlike with other stories, I'm going to start this review with the negative. Check out the following sentence:
{color:blue}She was fully unconscious within seconds.
I think you can omit fully, although that may be personal taste. (Yes, dang it, pun intended.)
That's it. Otherwise, creepy, disgusting, and perfect. Honestly, I could have been reading a cooking show type story if I hadn't known he was eating a woman. Nice job.
As I recall, I spent my 21st in CQ duty wearing camouflage BDU's. Three days later, my unit was sent to Saudi Arabia as part of Desert Shield. We were well beyond Desert Storm before we got back to the States. All told, my first legal beer happened about a year after my 21st. I'm afraid my memoir of that day would be quite dull.
Only suggestion is to watch your commas. Read it through and feel the interruptions.
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