Diahan,
Who told you this was "bad"? It's not bad at all.
First, let me explain. I work under the theory that writers here want to learn and become published writers and I review with that in mind. Anything that I may say, or suggest, firstly is my OWN OPINION, that's all, but I also try to not just correct, but to teach you how to not only improve this story, but help you in future writings. As always, you can accept only what you wish and apply it. What you don't accept, you simply discard. Just remember, sometimes I am quite harsh, but it's intended to HELP you, not berate what you have done.
That out of the way, let's review.
You have an interesting little story brewing here. You say it's the prologue to a novel, OK, I'll review it with that thought in mind.
What you need to do is to entice your reader into the story...and do it within the first 100 to 200 words. So, let's delete everything down to and including the word "born". That part does not help to drag the reader into the story. it's the Next paragraph that does.
Read this as the beginning:
RISING SONG
“She’s the loveliest baby in the world,” Kayla Thyme, Omi’s Daughter squealed to her husband, Bard Janan, Marken’s Son, as she gazed into the spider web/starburst shaped centers of the eyes of her newborn daughter.
“Let’s call her Teria; it means ‘beautiful bird’ in my country.” Bard nodded saying, “Teria Song, because her first sound, heard and made, was that of singing instead of crying.” Teria Song, Bard’s Daughter.
Stories have no beginning and no end, but Teria's story could begin when she first gave sign of power:
“Mama, look, look what I can do!” 3-year old Teria............
If you read that with a fresh eye, I think you see that it jumps right into the story, without the rather annoying first three sentences that are the AUTHOR'S words, not Teria's story....Then we pick up your words and once more jump back to Teria....
So we have what I think is a far stronger beginning... yet, something is amiss. I see the new lead sputters a bit as you work out the relationships of the names of the parents and and whose son and daughter they are...The reader gets confused right there.. not what you want to do to a reader right off..it'll turn him off and he'll put the book back on the shelf and buy a different one.. not good. Let's redo the lead graph now:
RISING SONG
“She’s the loveliest baby in the world,” Kayla Thyme squealed to her husband Bard Janan as she gazed into the spider web starburst-shaped centers of the eyes of her newborn daughter; “Let’s call her Teria; it means ‘beautiful bird’ in my country.”
Bard nodded, “Teria Song, because her first sound, heard and made, was that of singing instead of crying, 'Teria Song, Bard’s Daughter.'
Stories have no beginning and no end, but Teria's story could begin when she first gave sign of power:
“Mama, look, look what I can do!” 3-year old Teria............
Later, in Chapter 1 probably, you can go back and sort out the "daughter and son ofs" thingie, for I imagine it has meaning in the rest of the book...Right now, though, it's a hindrance that you don't need.
The balance of the prologue is good, with a couple of changes.
I think all of the paragraphs need to be much shorter. Long graphs are VERY hard on a reader's eyes, he tends to lose his place and has to start over.. Make your graphs two sentences even.. YES, that short. You need the visual break.
Incidentally, in graph five, which begins "Mama, look....." You have two different characters speaking in one paragraph. That's a no-no. Separate paragraphs for each speaker..
The next to last graph that starts: "But at this......" once more it is the author speaking... and that's the weakest way to tell the story.
See if you can re-word that part to get the author OUT of the story....it's not that hard and it will really improve the transition to Chapter 1.
Bottom line.. the story is NOT bad at all... It's got some real merit and a lot of possibilities. I applaud you for what you have done. Once you re-write it, I'd love to see it a second time!
And again, take what you wish from my comments, if anything, and leave the rest to the crows to eat.
Well done!
Lyle
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