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Review of The Sea Within  Open in new Window.
Review by Storm Writer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, fellow writer! I am here to read and review your item, "The Sea Within" Open in new Window., with the aim of providing feedback, encouragement and ideas for improvement (which, of course, are just my opinion). *Quill*

*Starb* Thoughts: Nice use of metaphor as you draw the resemblance between stormy weather and emotional turmoil. Although not an entirely original concept, you brought it across well and I like your choice of words. The imagery is excellent and the poem flows well. I also admire your progression of thoughts and feelings. I thought that each stanza added another dimension to the poem, creating a kind of 3D effect. The title is also good. The poem fits the Tanka form, with your syllable count very exact (stretching out the words that can be pronounced differently, "quietly" and "awakening").

*Starb* Suggestions: The only thing I wasn't really sure about was the last line. It lifts the poem, but something about it just shuts everything down...kind of scolding. I would prefer it to end on a more haunting note, something that doesn't seem to contradict the emotions of the poem but rather echo or answer them.

*Starb* Favourite Lines: I love the phrase "hungry sand". I have never read that before, and it perfectly describes the way wet sand sucks your feet down (love that feeling! :-[).

Thanks for sharing. *Smile* Keep up the great work!

*Lightning* The Storm Writer
Imagination is the key to art, and art is the door to POWER.

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Review of Poem For Joey  Open in new Window.
Review by Storm Writer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, fellow writer! Strong tides have drawn me into your port, and I have come to read and review your item, "Poem For Joey" Open in new Window. *Quill*

*stargray* Thoughts: What a beautiful and heart-breaking poem! Honestly, I was near tears at the end. This poem is such an incredible prayer to and for your brother, Joey, as you plead with him to give up his bad habits and choose life; it is also powerful testimony to the terrible consequences of addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs or pornography, or any other form of addiction ~ and there are many. I wonder if you gave this poem to your brother in the end and if he listened. I hope that he manages to fight through his addiction and overcome it, and that he can reconcile with his family and friends.

This poem is packed with striking imagery, stark emotion and masterfully created rhymes and rhythms. Every line has something new to say, adding to the layers, and I really love the feminine rhymes, which make your message softer but no less vital. I think you have done very well in writing this poem, and I can connect to the sheer, raw feeling of you as a poet but foremost as a brother.

*stargray* Suggestions: My first suggestion is to split each line in two so the lines are more compact (this can help the reader focus more, as well as emphasizing your message) and so the rhymes are on the end of each line (instead of one in the middle and one at the end).

My second suggestion is to edit instances of the frequently misspelled "your", which should be "you're". ("Your" is a possessive pronoun, i.e. "belonging to you", whereas "you're" is a contraction, i.e. "you are".)

What is it your seeking and hope that you find? Your just skin and bones, can't you see? Are you blind? This line should be: What is it you're seeking and hope that you find? You're just skin and bones, can't you see? Are you blind?

Your wife and your children are home all alone, but your on a mission, your high and your stoned. This line should be: Your wife and your children are home all alone, but you're on a mission, you're high and you're stoned.

My third suggestion is concerning the use of capitals letters in PLEASE. In internet lingo, this is shouting, but it should not be used in formal writing. Instead, italics are used for emphasis, i.e. please.

I have a few suggestions concerning punctuation and line structure as well, which I will share below:

I would creep to your crib side, and watch as you slept. Remove the comma after "side" since this is a continuous sentence.

You were always my shadow, when you were a kid. Again, this is a continuous sentence, so remove the comma after "shadow".

With all of my heart I would turn back the clock, and all of your pain from addiction would stop. Same here. Remove the comma after "clock".

You lie to your family, and steal from your friends. The lengths you will go to get high never ends. And once more. Remove the comma after "family".

I would cut off my arm, my soul, I would sell, to save you from using and killing yourself. This line is difficult to read because there isn't a break between "arm" and "my soul", and some of the punctuation is misplaced. This is how it should read if it is to be grammatically perfect: I would cut off my arm; my soul I would sell to save you from using and killing yourself.

I want Joey, my brother, PLEASE choose not to die... Replace the comma after "brother" with a semicolon (;).

*stargray* Favourite Lines: There are many lines and phrases that stand out in your poem, but some of my very favourites are:

You were always my shadow, when you were a kid, always threatening to tell mom and dad things I did. This line is so human! What person hasn't had a tattletale sibling? It's something we can all relate to, and it's funny looking back on it and how much it irked you as a kid, when now as an adult you laugh about it.

You lie to your family, and steal from your friends. The lengths you will go to get high never ends. I love the flow of this line. And it's really sad how by betraying others he is betraying himself.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? A haggard old man with no hopes and no dreams?
Just trapped in a hell, all bridges are burned, still lying, still dying, with no lessons learned. These lines are perfect for closing the darker phase of your poem. Again, the flow is so lyrical and the wording is just perfect. *Star* Breaks my heart to read it.

The closing line is also beautiful. Altogether this is a wonderful poem and I am blessed to have read it, and I have enjoyed reviewing it. I hope you find my comments useful and encouraging; my prayer is that your brother Joey is able to sort out these personal issues. Thank you for raising awareness of addiction, a problem in our society that needs dealing with, individually and collectively.

Write on! *Notepad*

*Lightning* The Storm Writer
Imagination is the key to art, and art is the door to POWER.

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Review by Storm Writer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Greetings, fellow writer! *Quill* Strong tides have drawn me into your port, and I have come to read and review your item, "It's Good To Be Back Home" Open in new Window. *Smile*

*stargray* Thoughts: Wow, the end is amazing! So sad and yet so sweet. I really wasn't expecting it. Up until that point I assumed, as you designed, that the narrator was a soldier coming home alive, since you wrote at the beginning "As I stepped down from the train", but in the last line of the sixth stanza you dramatically reveal that he is in fact dead, a soldier returning from war in grief and glory. This really had its effect, and left me sad but uplifted, as I realized he had been watching the scene unfold around his coffin, hinting that his spirit lives on. Which it does. In all of us. In everyone who lives under the protection of the freedom he has paid for with his own life.

I love the refrain. It seems to change meaning each time it is repeated, although the words remain the same, and as a last line it is brilliant.

*stargray* Suggestions: From the start almost down to the end I thought this poem was rather average. The twist at the end redeems the poem and makes it really stark and haunting. But still I think you could work on improving the overall flow of it. At the moment it lacks the emotion expected at any kind of home-coming visit, let alone one so tragic. Very simple thoughts are related but I think they could be improved with more descriptive words, moderated lines and strong(er) rhythm. For example, the line With much embrace doesn't really make sense. Perhaps you should change the line to With many embraces, even if the rhyme will become feminine because of the plural (I think you could easily get away with this since you take the liberty of adding an "s" on miles as rhyming with smile). Your spelling is good but I think the punctuation could be improved. In the first stanza I noticed a period at the end of the second line which should be a comma. Some words are also repeated, such as see and saw, face and faces, and other words like all, but, and and. I think more variety could help. *Smile*

The third stanza needs some punctuation refinements. To save explaining in complicated detail, I'll just share here what it should look like to make sense grammatically:

"I'll be back home soon,"
They all had read.
"I love you all,"
Were the last words I said.

Also, the last line, As they buried me underneath the ground where I lay is really long, nearly three times the length of most of the lines before it. I thought about this for a while and now I think it would be best to adjust a few words and break the line into two separate lines, replacing the previous line; i.e.:

But now I'm back,
and here to stay,
as they buried me in
the ground where I lay.

I also noticed that the poem switches frequently between past and present tense. Try to remain consistent to one tense to make your poem easy to read and understand.

With a bit of work, this poem will really shine. *Thumbsup*

I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem and I hope you find my comments useful and encouraging. *Smile* Write on!

*Wind* The Storm Writer
Imagination is the key to art, and art is the door to POWER. *Lightning*


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