Greetings, fellow writer! Strong tides have drawn me into your port, and I have come to read and review your item, "Poem For Joey"
*stargray* Thoughts: What a beautiful and heart-breaking poem! Honestly, I was near tears at the end. This poem is such an incredible prayer to and for your brother, Joey, as you plead with him to give up his bad habits and choose life; it is also powerful testimony to the terrible consequences of addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs or pornography, or any other form of addiction ~ and there are many. I wonder if you gave this poem to your brother in the end and if he listened. I hope that he manages to fight through his addiction and overcome it, and that he can reconcile with his family and friends.
This poem is packed with striking imagery, stark emotion and masterfully created rhymes and rhythms. Every line has something new to say, adding to the layers, and I really love the feminine rhymes, which make your message softer but no less vital. I think you have done very well in writing this poem, and I can connect to the sheer, raw feeling of you as a poet but foremost as a brother.
*stargray* Suggestions: My first suggestion is to split each line in two so the lines are more compact (this can help the reader focus more, as well as emphasizing your message) and so the rhymes are on the end of each line (instead of one in the middle and one at the end).
My second suggestion is to edit instances of the frequently misspelled "your", which should be "you're". ("Your" is a possessive pronoun, i.e. "belonging to you", whereas "you're" is a contraction, i.e. "you are".)
What is it your seeking and hope that you find? Your just skin and bones, can't you see? Are you blind? This line should be: What is it you're seeking and hope that you find? You're just skin and bones, can't you see? Are you blind?
Your wife and your children are home all alone, but your on a mission, your high and your stoned. This line should be: Your wife and your children are home all alone, but you're on a mission, you're high and you're stoned.
My third suggestion is concerning the use of capitals letters in PLEASE. In internet lingo, this is shouting, but it should not be used in formal writing. Instead, italics are used for emphasis, i.e. please.
I have a few suggestions concerning punctuation and line structure as well, which I will share below:
I would creep to your crib side, and watch as you slept. Remove the comma after "side" since this is a continuous sentence.
You were always my shadow, when you were a kid. Again, this is a continuous sentence, so remove the comma after "shadow".
With all of my heart I would turn back the clock, and all of your pain from addiction would stop. Same here. Remove the comma after "clock".
You lie to your family, and steal from your friends. The lengths you will go to get high never ends. And once more. Remove the comma after "family".
I would cut off my arm, my soul, I would sell, to save you from using and killing yourself. This line is difficult to read because there isn't a break between "arm" and "my soul", and some of the punctuation is misplaced. This is how it should read if it is to be grammatically perfect: I would cut off my arm; my soul I would sell to save you from using and killing yourself.
I want Joey, my brother, PLEASE choose not to die... Replace the comma after "brother" with a semicolon (;).
*stargray* Favourite Lines: There are many lines and phrases that stand out in your poem, but some of my very favourites are:
You were always my shadow, when you were a kid, always threatening to tell mom and dad things I did. This line is so human! What person hasn't had a tattletale sibling? It's something we can all relate to, and it's funny looking back on it and how much it irked you as a kid, when now as an adult you laugh about it.
You lie to your family, and steal from your friends. The lengths you will go to get high never ends. I love the flow of this line. And it's really sad how by betraying others he is betraying himself.
When you look in the mirror, what do you see? A haggard old man with no hopes and no dreams?
Just trapped in a hell, all bridges are burned, still lying, still dying, with no lessons learned. These lines are perfect for closing the darker phase of your poem. Again, the flow is so lyrical and the wording is just perfect. Breaks my heart to read it.
The closing line is also beautiful. Altogether this is a wonderful poem and I am blessed to have read it, and I have enjoyed reviewing it. I hope you find my comments useful and encouraging; my prayer is that your brother Joey is able to sort out these personal issues. Thank you for raising awareness of addiction, a problem in our society that needs dealing with, individually and collectively.
Write on!
The Storm Writer
Imagination is the key to art, and art is the door to POWER.
|