Very nice. I love the unexpected arc to adulthood and the realizations that come with it.
The only suggestion I can muster is that I would reverse the order of the two phrases in: "Wrappers and pumpkins are sprawled all in the way, kids race from house to house," because I had to go back and read it again, wondering: in the way where and of what or whom? It would then read: Kids race from house to house, wrappers and pumpkins sprawled in the way, as teens use...
Actually, it may also be good to break this long sentence into two.
I hope you will want to know what can be improved more so than what is well done. With that in mind, I will focus more on the former than the latter.
I feel that certain words are clunky and should be avoided in writing. Two of these are, "albeit," and "perused." I also find that starting sentences with words like, "Incessantly," "Thereby," "Largely," "Per usual," "For the most part," and, "Eagerly," is best avoided. It's best to provide action or dialog that imparts these ideas to the reader rather than directly stating them.
I made an attempt at a revision of your first paragraph to show what I mean in this regard. I trust that you will find it helpful. Note that I added a transition between Luis' feeling of exhilaration and his trying to relax, which are somewhat opposite. Please see below:
Luis pressed his face to the frosted window for a full ten minutes studying the falling snow, the chill doing nothing to dampen his exhilaration. He'd spoken with Sabrina at long last, and though brief, the conversation went well. But there were things they still needed to talk about and straighten out. Trying now to relax, he thumbed through old photographs until Sabrina's call came as promised.
Overall I like it, and the twist at the end. You do a good job of building suspense. There are a couple of places where some minor re-writing is warranted, I think. One: You need to add "a" in front of, "Polaroid," in, "and I turn to find Polaroid sliding under the door." Two: When you smooth out the Polaroid, the light is still off in the windowless room (in the mind of the reader) yet you mention seeing the picture clearly. You should have the lights come on again first.
Wow, this is by far the best posting I have read on this and two other sites of which I am a member. It took me awhile to understand that you were doing a contraction of the word "it," considering the small type and low screen resolution, but after I read through the first paragraph I went back to the beginning and then I got it. I would not change a thing, though, it was worth it going back and figuring it out. It really made me laugh when I did. I laughed several times. I also agree wholeheartedly with the message of your story. Great work!
This is very good. I love the dialog and the unexpected ending. The only suggestion is that the sentence: "None of them knew how hard she worked or ran lines with her, why were they able to enjoy her performance as much or even more than I did?" seems to be missing a couple of words.
I am new to writing.com but have looked at about 10 stories and poems so far. Your story is the best I have seen. The only reason I did not rate this more highly is that I cannot tell why you had the reference to hummingbirds being back, a springtime event, all of the sudden, in this story about the fall. I would suggest some transition if you are deliberately transitioning to spring. As a hunter, I can appreciate your references to this subject as well
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