I'm not a professional writer, I'm a newbie trying to get the hang of things. I'm trying to give you honest feedback and impressions of what I thought as I read your work. These are one person's opinions, and you're free to ignore any of them.
that being said
My Comments are in blue
Suggestions in Green
What i feel you could do away with in red
A going away party for an old classmate, Megan Lastname, was a the thing he needed. In the Facebook invite she said was moving to California to live with her mother's grandparents. Nothing too big comma here but she wanted to have a going away party to see everyone from her class one last time. He didn't want to go but Josie who is Josie? urged him to do so. It would be a great distraction from his ever-revolving door of unnecessary thoughts and anxiety.Nice 
At eighteen, he finally felt safe enough to explore his sexuality fully and to work out everything needed to do this. Those thoughts now were shoved to the back of his mind as he focused on styling his fading blue hair. Josie, his best friend, dyed it a few months ago when they were wasted. She said it "brought out the happy in his eyes", whatever that meant. The length wasn't too frustrating to work with but it just wasn't doing what he wanted. He would have chosen a distinct color, maybe a darker brown to bring out his eyes.
But she said happy italicize 'happy' not and this= brought out his eye color. Whatever she saw he couldn’t see but then she often noticed things about him that he never saw. But she was oblivious to one thing about him and his love for her.
It couldn’t be helped because they were very different people who had attached to one another each other in their freshmen year of high school. She was the an new outgoing beautiful curly haired girl who could have befriended anyone of her choice. He was the awkward, scrawny but tall faded brown haired and brown eye average looking boy who spent more time sitting alone and avoiding confrontations. I think you should consider re-phrasing this... It's could probably be broken into two sentences. She the fierce green eyed girl who could slay dragons – if they existed.
He closed his eyes stopping the self-doubt from drowning him before he even stepped out of the house. He ran a comb through it once again, flat and uninspired as always. He ran his fingers across his eyebrows and made sure he didn’t have toothpaste or shaving cream anywhere.
---
“He looks like a lost anime character.” First words from Abigail. She always made small digs at him but Josie didn’t see it that way. Abigail had the heart of the girl he loved --- Josie’s to be exact. Abigail couldn’t do anything wrong and everything she did was trying to be friendly. Ah, I'm sort of lost here, what's wrong with Josie's heart?
Abigail paused a moment, looking down at Josie lovingly moving her curly black hair out of her face. It never minded anyone but somehow listened to Abigail. Josie turned looking up at Todd – reaching out to him and pulling him toward her. Sorry, but I'm even more confused. Where are they? Who is Abigail? And from whose point of view is this part narrated? Maybe you should make this a bit clear. The names and actions are just coming in, and they are all looking jumbled up
He slowly inhaled as he entered the place. It was loud, dancing and colorful gifts piled up in the corner of the livingspaceroom. Okay, guess it's at Megans party. But I'll have preferred you mentioned it after Abigails first statement.
"Congratulations on your teen pregnancy!" A home-made banner yelled from across the room.
"I thought this was a going away party?" Todd asked.
Abigail laughed Fullstop here. that was her response to anything he said or did. Josie reassured him she meant no harm. She laughed easy, loved deeply and whatever else she said when they talked about the way she treated him Who are we talking about here? Josie? Or abigail?. He tried not to feel too bitter about it as Josie didn't see the look in her lover's eyes like he did.
“Her getting knocked up is why she’s leaving.” Josie yelled answering him, replied, her voice raised so she could be heard above the partying noise. She stepped away from him comma here pulling Abigail and pulled Abigail toward a table full of cups and bottles of alcohol. Many had bows on them brought over as gifts. He walked over and placed a five-dollar bill in one of the bags as his way of making up for not getting her anything.
"Todd! You made it. And you're alone. Poor you and your one-sided puppy love!" Megan’s high pitch scream greeted him. It slurred and when he turned around he saw the bright red cheeks that always followed Megan when she drank heavily.
"And, you are drunk." Todd replied, "Can’t even think of anyone else but yourself even pregnant. You think I’m pathetic?End quote
It amused him as the small five foot nothing Megan stomped away. Most of his friendships came through him knowing Josie. Otherwise he would have never met Megan or would be at this party. He discretely removed the five dollars he had slipped in one of the bags tucking it in his pocket.Huh- huh He scanned the people nearby to see if they saw him but no one was no one seemed to be looking in his direction. Which meant no one paid any mind to the fact that the mother to be was wasted. He hated people sometimes but he was no better as he didn’t stop her.
Megan was someone who would find any reason to drink. It was disappointing that she was picking a baby shower to be one of those occasions to suck down alcohol.
He bopped around the place for a while making his way to the food table several times. Josie frowned on at him standing by the food and eating because it made him lame. She didn’t understand that the social aspect of these events was what he’d consider lame. He loved food, especially, free food. Here there was a handful of people who camped around the food.
One of them, a man who was over dressed for the kind of event this was. His hair – full and well made, slight bushy eyebrows and at least over six feet tall. Todd had to look up to look him in the face. He avoided him but didn’t mind stealing glances when he came back through for more pinwheels and fruit punch.
Todd decided to try to see where Josie was when the slightly over dressed man stepped in front of him. Todd froze, fearful of making a fool of himself to realize the guy was grappling at the red solo cup trying to prevent it from landing on Todd.
“Dude, I’m sorry.” Overdressed guy apologized as he bumped into Todd. The cup smacked the ground, “I am so sorry.”
“Man.” Todd responded, more out of disappointment than anger and turned on his heels. He pulled at the wet shirt, fruit punch splashed everywhere. He could feel it dripping as he hurried to the hallway bathroom.
He ripped off his shirt when he entered the bathroom. Megan had a secret place where she stashed towels. The first party she ever threw in high school everyone stole all their towels from the bathrooms. At the time, it was hilarious but he couldn’t remember why now.
"Occupied!" He yelled as someone walked in. He twisted to give the person some choice words.
"I missed it!" The guy teased.
Todd gave him a confused look and started dabbing the shirt with a towel.
"missed what?" He asked when he realized the guy wasn't leaving.
"The shirt being pulled off. That's my favorite part."
Todd turned to see the guy leaning on the wall openly looking him up and down. Todd blushed.
"I am not --" Todd's caught in his throat as the guy started to unbutton his shirt. The guy had a smug smile, Todd wanted to look away to look away to not give him that satisfaction. But he hungrily watched instead. He felt frozen in that spot. The heat rising throughout he gasped when the guy walked over pushing him into the sink. The kiss hard and Todd wanted more he reached toward the guy running his hands downward. The guy pulled back and Todd leaned forwards.
The door flung open, "The hell, Derek?" He recognized Megan's voice, "You come home and jump the first stranger -oh my god, it's Todd."
"You are Derek?" Todd asked dumbly. He moved grabbing his shirt. Derek was two years older and looked more.... defined then Todd remembered.
He pushed through the two with Megan following behind. He grabbed the first cold drink off the counter. A Pepsi to his disappointment.
She waited until the kitchen cleared before approaching. Finger in the air.
"Look you ducked up fairy just because you can't have Josie doesn't mean heading after my brother. What kind of weird thing are you anyway?" She pressed that finger into his chest. Ducked up fairy was something he knew he’d have to get used to hearing.
He didn’t know what his sexuality was – bisexual? Homosexual? Heterosexual but confused? But he knew certainly it was nothing weird. He wasn’t weird in that context.
"I haven’t attacked anyone, Megan, so quit acting like I have. He’s a full-grown adult who can make his own choices – just like you have. No one should be here supporting a drunk at a baby shower. We are all stupid for being here supporting this behavior – you’re the last person who should try to take the high road.” The words louder and angrier – no he meant the anger – the stares and whispers felt louder and in his face.
He felt the heat rising inside of him as he slid away from her. He weaved dodged looks from those who heard everything as he made his way into the livingroom.
She didn't follow him.
Josie was curled up with Abigail giggling and caressing one another to the voyeuristic audience around them. He was never going to have that with Josie, he understood that now.
"Hey, Josie, I'm heading home."
She pulled away from Abigail to check on him. Her face and expression dulled by the amounts of alcohol she consumed. But her concern was genuine, however, her attention span shortened. He hugged her and hurried out of the house. He was too sober and alone for this nonsense.
What am I doing here? He parked in front of the glossy black building. It had stone benches in the front, fake trees around the entryway. It was a place advertised as "fun" but the exterior always looked more like a business where suits and filing papers happened. The interior was blue light and flashing white lights. The seats were small cubby areas tucked in for the false sense of privacy.
BLISS in bold capital letters flickered over the walls. It was a place that Josie introduced to him a few months after he turned eighteen. It's where they would go when they hadn't anything else planned. Between Josie's desk job and his in-between work moments they were spending a lot of time there.
The entry fee wasn't a lot – not as the front of the building would like you to think.
He sat in the same cubby area letting the false sense of privacy drape over him as he watched the men dance on stage.
His phone buzzed, Josie calling he let it go to voicemail. Then came the text after text after text she often does when he doesn't answer. It wasn't horrendous as he does it to her as well.
Are you ok?
Meghan said you got into a fight
Are you OK?!
He replied quickly, Megan exaggerated and she’s drinking while pregnant. Josie, no longer concerned with his well-being as she shouldn’t be but was after Megan as she should be. It felt beautiful knowing that the woman was getting what she deserved for him and the soon to be baby.
"If your phone is more interesting, then why the hell are you here?"
Todd noticeable jumped, knocking the phone out of his hand. The man picked it up.
"Oh, no you're the gay BFF."
"No, give me that back." Todd stretched his hand out.
"What if I called her now? Would she be hotter than the Sahara over your adventures? You know that's all straight girls want out of you, right?" He teased hovering his finger over the call button.
"No! Stop. Now." His words lacking emotion. He didn't want to get kicked out of the only safe place that he was familiar with.
"Give me a kiss then maybe." The guy arched his eyebrow. He kept his index over the call button on the screen.
He sat there a few seconds thinking that it wouldn't hurt and then he would not have to worry about going through the entire process of coming out to her. He didn't like the idea of a stranger taking that moment away from him either. He moved over and gave the man a slight peck – ripping his phone from the guy's hand.
"Oh, look the gay BFF got skills." The man didn't sound impressed.
"Again, no, I am not the gay BFF." He turned his cellphone off, tucking it in his pocket.
"I always see you in here with her so I assumed ----"The way the man got caught off guard relaxed Todd.
"Did you just admit to stalking me?" He leaned into the table, "How do you know I'm texting the same person you see me in here with? Buy me a drink if you're wrong"
"They don't card here, anyway, how do I know if you're going to lie?"
"You don't."
"Fine, I figured you had no one other than her. I drummed up a tale of closeted small-town boy who traveled to the largest town nearby said small town. Never initiate anything, just watches."
"You make me sound creepy."
"Your words not mine. So, how on the nose am I?"
"Ish, she's my gay best friend and she is definitely my only friend. That's like half a drink right there."
"So, you're not a closeted? Then what are you?" He leaned over, closer. Todd could tell he was working back the personality that Todd accidentally knocked off guard.
"Drink first." He traced his fingers against the man's hand. He hoped to see less of the front. The man nodded, stood up and disappeared. After a moment, he tucked his hands in his pocket debating whether to get back on his cellphone. The dude was out of the picture now.
"I figured you'd have ran by now." The same man with both hands full. Todd offered a hand taking his from him.
"I wanted to see if you'd chicken out. Not everyone handles losing very well." He smiled. He sipped whatever it was that he was handed. He craved a milkshake and fries he didn't think he'd ever get used to the taste of this. But he felt invested now.
"Lose? According to you I've half-won." The man smiled before drinking deeply from his cup. He made a face and, "Give me another chance of being right. The reward is another kiss – a better then a "get this over with" cheek kiss you give your grandma. Agreed?"
"Go for it."
The man pretended to think about it for a moment, "You're a virgin."
"That's cold and isn't true."
"No, I meant you've never been with a guy before." He smirked, running his finger across his glass, "You say you're not the gay best friend and I see you looking longingly at your friend and have no issue with eyeing the guy-candy out here."
"Not with her." Todd grabbed his glass tightly, "I don't know if I should be interested in you or a possible restraining order."
"I have a sharp eye and can read body language pretty well. You haven't answered my question."
Todd was thankful for the darkened booth and the flickering of the lights. He hoped that this disguised his embarrassment. He as awkward as possible moved over, placed his hands around the man's jaw and pulled him into a kill. He placed his hand gently against the man's inner thigh moving closer to him with every chance he could. The guy pulled away with a dreamy look in his eye.
"You've already made out with a guy tonight."
"Excuse me? Restraining order talk, much?"
"I can smell two different colognes on you unless you're a weird one. Tell me I'm wrong or we head back to my place." The guy pulled him closer.
"You're not wrong. I don't know you're a serial killer."
"You don't."
  Overall impressions:it would It looks like an enjoyable read. If you focus a little more on your dialogue, your transitioning and your character descriptions. I was going to do a line by line at first but I then realized it would be better if you do the changing yourself.I was confused a lot and some of the sentences didn't settle well Only you knows what's best for your story. I'll be pleased to review your edited copy
Write on!
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "