This is a good start to your story. I think it still needs to be flushed out a bit, as the pace seems to be off here and there. A bit too rushed near the end. I noticed a few things that will hopefully help you out a bit. I'v listed them below:
The first paragraph would work better if you split up the first couple sentences. Instead of "The room buzzed, although only I seemed to notice, energy spots rained through my vision like snow falling." I think it would work better if "Energy spots . . ." was a seperate sentence.
In the paragragh that starts "Sceptics you may . . .", in the last sentance the comma should be in front of the "or".
The sentence "“He died on January fourth, I only wrote in it on the first and second of January." should be 2 sentnces borken appart by the comma.
Other than that, it was pretty good. It was a bit confusing in the middle, but in the end it worked itself out. Would love to see this story extened more.
As far as I can tell, the grammer and spelling is pretty good. A+++
Overall Impression
I'm not really sure where this is going, but it is interesting non the less. The diction and syntax are good, and there is a fair bit of dissonance, which usually makes for a good read. Overall, I liked it a fair bit.
I thought it was a pretty good story. I liked the contradiction between the actors and the real people. Starcrossed lovers vs. complete hatred of each other. I think it worked quite well, but I was still expecting a bit more out of it. I was also relieved that i wasn't a sad sappy story from start to finish.
Halarious. I think this is meant for everyone at writing.com, ot just a memo to yourself. I could help but to feel a bit (A Lot) guilty of being in the same situation last year. Hopefully this will open a lot of eyes around here. It opened mine. I'm off you review a newbee!
I thought this was a nice little tale. It was light hearted and was fun to read. It was neat the way you laied out the different denominations, and their stereotypical images, but I think this story spoke more for the average person who belonged to the individual faiths.
My one comment would be to watch the capitalizations of some of the words in your lists near the bigining of the tale. Sometihings could have been left as lower case. There was a single comma missing in one of your lists, which isn't a big deal in the long run. On the plus side, I didn;t notice a single spelling error.
You seem to have a great voice that was strong thoughout the tale, and I liked that there was a moral at the end as well. Not a very deep moral, but one that speaks to all Christians and non-belivers alike.
Wow. I thought this was a pretty intense short story. This is a pretty tough story to review because I really can't find anything wrong with it. You're right though, it is controversial, but it is its controvercy that makes it such a powerful piece. This piece contains the entire life story of these characters but its all beneath the surface. I haven't seen anything like this in quite awhile. Hemmingway would be proud.
I thought this was a pretty good piece of poetry. I felt that the narrative flowed nicely and your rhyme seemed to worked well throughout the poem. I think the only problem with this piece is that I found myself to get bogged down by the numerous adjectives you've used to create the atmosphere you were attempting to create.
I found this to bean exellent poem about love. I enjoyed how you took away the physical aspect of being in love, and immediately turned it into a love story between two souls. This poem made me think of some of The Sonnets of the Portugeuse by Elizabeth Barret Browning.
A very lovely poem. The image of the two lovers waking up together on Valentines day is the perfect image of love. This is a romantic view of two people that are deep in love with each other. The simple image of them waking together creates and entire background in the readers mind. How they met, first kiss, when they fell in love, ect.
I only give out 5's if I think the poem truly deserves it. This is a great poem about a wife and mother struggling to be free and noticed. One could easily take this as a feminest reading of men's dominance in modern society over women.
I thought this was a very interesting poem. With a few revisions, I think it could be something great. One item I would suggest fixing is in the first line of the poem.
"Shadows amused me when often as a child"
The when doesn't belong there. It doesn't provide any use being there and it breaks up the flow of the line. VERY distracting.
The second item is the rhyme scheme you are using. There is nothing wrong with it, but you have to make sure you don't sacrifice your writing to make a line rhyme with another one. The first line in the second stanza is what I have the problem with. "Beast" seems to be generic and almost hooky. Try to use a more specific image and build on it.
I love the end of the poem. Its neat the way you made it seem the shadows were an on going predator, and for no reason, they can go after you.
Keep on writing,
Trav!
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