I like the premise. I'm wondering if you'll explore the "wish I knew then what I know now" possibility. There are a few things which I think will make it a more comfortable read. I'll be using your text as is, then offering tips. Ready?
Be careful with the tense. You flip from "How is this possible?" to "He yelled as he slammed the door shut". A simple change: "How was this possible?" Generally speaking, fiction is written using the past tense. Whichever you choose, be consistent.
"Johnny woke up with the sun..." Not really, since the sun doesn't actually sleep. Try: "Johnny rose with the sun" or "Johnny woke up as the rising sun began to brighten his room/blinds/shade". I know, I know, but it does make a difference to an alarming number of people!
"he thought to himself, but secretly wished". Does one have to secretly wish when one is alone? Thoughts are often indicated using Italics, just a thought.
"About thirty minutes later, Johnny got a call from his mom from work." You tell us this, then you show us. Use the conversation between Johnny and his mother to describe what's going on. "Show, don't tell" was the hardest lesson I've had to learn (and am still paying attention to). Also, "his mom condemned" should be "his mom advised" or some such. Finding the right word is what keeps me staring at the wall more often than I like to admit.
Think about flipping your clauses for an easier read:
"Jonathan left his office job on Wednesday at 5:10, about fifteen minutes earlier than normal, hoping that maybe today he'd beat traffic." would be smoother as "On Wednesday, at 5:15, Jonathan left his office job. He was heading out 15 minutes early, hoping that, maybe today, he’d beat the traffic."
One last thing: scratch about half the uses of "and". When crafting a list of activities. I know that WORD likes "and then" but it really isn't necessary.
I got the impression that you were trying to manage word count - don't worry about that in the initial pass. Get the ideas out, then go back and cleanup (or ask someone to edit) the story.
Great start! Write on. Best wishes.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:37pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "