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28 Public Reviews Given
33 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to spend at least an hour reading and going over a particular item before I begin to put my pen to the paper. (Longer works, of course, might require more time.) I like to be as thorough as I can when giving reviews. I will mention what I might happen to like about a particular item, what I might not like, and what might need improvement. I always include suggestions, as well as examples to support my suggestions for improvement.
I'm good at...
Line-by-line edits. I have studied editing extensively, and always keep up to date with grammar rules, etc. However, I do not offer line-by-line edits within my reviews; those can be requested after I give a review, and I will send them through email.
Favorite Genres
I am best at reviewing short stories, novellas, novels, etc - any work of fiction, really. Poetry, at the moment, is not my strong suit, as I am not too familiar with the different styles, but I do my best with those types of reviews.
I will not review...
I will review any type, genre, or rating.
Public Reviews
1
1
for entry "Invalid EntryOpen in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Escape Artist Author Icon! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "Invalid EntryOpen in new Window., as per your request. Please note that this review is only my opinion.



First Thoughts
There are no facts, only interpretations. I always found Nietzsche to be very fascinating. Excellent choice of opening quote. It ties into the story very well

Plot, Pacing, and Descriptions

There were some questions I had, issues I thought should be addressed, etc:
*Die1* How much time has passed since the end of Chapter 1 (Merci) and the beginning of this chapter? I couldn't quite tell if only half an hour had passed, or a few hours.
*Die2* Was it just the word "island" on Merci's sheets that led her to remember her uncle and the island from fifteen years ago?
*Die3* That fact, [her flight] and last night's message, had triggered another curious thought. Why did her flight trigger the thought?
*Die4* The following note in italics was written down during my first read of this chapter: In the first three paragraphs, you very briefly mentioned something that had occurred fifteen years ago, then went on to another thought (Merci's boyfriend) before circling back to the event fifteen years ago. I'm not sure of my thoughts yet on that time lapse. I'm trying to make up my mind whether it works laid out this way. After rereading the chapter, I came to the same conclusion.
*Die5* There might need to be more information on Merci's uncle's encroachment of he island. Had Merci been with him, or had he simply told her about it, and the strangeness of the story led Merci to investigate the island? Although previous wording (a place she had been close to) suggests that Merci had also been there.
*Die6* I can't pinpoint my thoughts exactly here, but I found the musings on Merci and Roman's relationship to be a bit strange. Something seemed a little... off, for lack of a better word. Out of place, maybe? Or maybe it just seemed to come out of nowhere in the plot (at least to me).
*Die1* she wondered if she could she walk away - if her demon was really offering her another destiny, another path. This sentence really got my curiosity tingling. How was the event/premonition offering her another path? Did you mean that by acting on the clues provided by her demon Merci would be altering her life in such a significant way? And if so, how would this constitute her walking away from what I had assumed was referring to all of her memories?
*Die2* Tasked with maintaining the A-frame... I thought this paragraph was very interesting. I did not really see what Merci's relationship with her grandmother had to do with the house, though.
*Die3* I thought this paragraph seemed a bit out of place: As with all humans, Mandela, at first, greeted Simene with standoffish suspicion...
*Die4* the short walk was suddenly not conducive to being naked - Well. I definitely hadn't been picturing Merci naked before this sentence!
*Die5* the squall passed quickly - How quickly? Did Merci stand outside watching the downpour?
*Die6* who had loved her without a hint of malice - This part of the sentence about Merci's grandmother was VERY intriguing. However, it also made me wonder who, if anyone, in the rest of her family had shown Merci malice? The sentence seemed to suggest something more to the word "malice."
*Die1* Often, her thoughts about the life-changing relationship with Rho became questions. I really believe there is some serious expansion necessary here. I was left with a lot of questions about Rho and his relationship with Merci.
*Dialog* but like that schizophrenic death-world hyperlink she had with her father... This is the second time (if I remember correctly) that this link with her father was mentioned. I have to admit that I am a little confused.

POV, Characters, and Dialogue
I liked reading some more about Merci's past. I also learned about her present (with Rho) - although I do believe that he was brought into the story a bit strangely. It might just be me, but I thought that the descriptions of their relationship were somewhat out of place.

Roman and Rho - I noticed that you switch between calling Merci's boyfriend these two names. I was just wondering how the "h" came to be included in his nickname. "Rho" is the Greek letter for "p" - is here any significance to this?

Very interesting to note that Merci keeps meticulous records of her life- even from an early age.

Favorite Lines or Phrases
*BurstR* a place she had been very close to fifteen years ago - very intriguing
*BurstR* And like yeast tossed into unleavened dough, she was feeling a rising pressure. LOL
*BurstR* They demanded nothing of each other but the quiet appreciation of being.
*BurstR* Her interest in archaeology and subsequent research of empirical evidence found at ancient sites combined with ancient text interpretations, including the Bible, suggested that extraterrestrial contacts might have been instrumental, in a manipulative way, int he evolution of humans. Fascinating thought!

Technicals
*Pencil* That fact, and last night's message, had triggered another curious thought.
*Pencil* Dressed in the image of a perky Goth girl, double-takes were had by everyone, creeping out more than a few. The underlined is a dangling modifier.
*Pencil* all the memories of her life told in drawings, and words
*Pencil* and hustled over, to sit at her feet
*Pencil* Tasked with maintaining the A-frame had seemed an overwhelming responsibility at first, but the house soon became a previous gift for the fearlessly independent Merci. The point of view within this sentence seemed to switch a bit here- it wasn't personally Merci's point of view anymore.
*Pencil* from tree-to-tree - I don't believe the dashes are necessary here.
*Pencil* 60's - I am a believer of writing out numerical words (i.e. sixties).
*Pencil* There never were had never been any blueprints drawn
*Pencil* After installing enough power to run a welder, the lab began to grow... The underlined is a dangling modifier.
*Pencil* It was had been Grandmother's favorite place
*Pencil* Despite her many private eccentricities, Merci's grandmother was had been a God-fearing person.
*Pencil* a thicket of late-blooming Rhododendrons - I am not sure that "rhododendrons" needs to be capitalized.



If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to ask.

Write on!
- Sara


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Auction  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, NYPen Author Icon! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "AuctionOpen in new Window.. Please note that this review is only my opinion.

Usually I review with certain structures in mind (plot, pacing, descriptions, point of view, characters, dialogue, etc). However, I do not believe I would be able to properly review this story using those categories. Instead, please see my notes below.


Notes and Thoughts
I happened to stumble upon your portfolio by chance. I was looking for something short to review quickly, since I do not currently have a lot of time on my hands. I found your story "Plunged Open in new Window. and was very intrigued. My curiosity led me to the rest of your portfolio.

In your stories "Plunged" and "Blown," you managed to create an entire short story within five to eight words. I thought that was simply amazing! I am usually more of a fan of very descriptive writers, so I will be honest and say that it surprised me a little that I liked your stories so much.

That being said, I feel like you can shake this short short story up a bit more. In "Plunged" and "Blown," you created a world with no real characters and yet still managed to portray lives ending. I could see what was happening in my mind very clearly. Here, I believe the story is more spelled out, or told, rather than described. I believe it would be more powerful if you broke it up into shorter sentences the way you did in the other stories. For example, you could mention the crying not in the dialogue but in a quick sentence directly after the dialogue: "Who will bid?" Crying. or "Who will bid?" A young girl's tears.

Other than that, I really enjoyed reading your stories. It's rather inspiring to see what some writers can create in such few words! Bravo. *ThumbsUpL*


Technicals
*Pencil* Sex, slave auctioneer yelling. I do not believe the comma is necessary after the first word.



If you have any questions about anything in my review, or would like me to review an aspect that I haven't covered here, please do not hesitate to ask. Feel free to email me if you also need any further clarification on anything.

Write on!
- Sara




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Give It 100 - Reviews Open in new Window. (E)
To keep track of my "Give It 100" goal.
#2066992 by Sara - back on WDC Author IconMail Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Fifthwood Author Icon! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "Transgression is in SessionOpen in new Window.. Please note that this review is only my opinion.

Since this short story is a bit unlike most of the short stories I read, I have omitted the following categories from my review, and have instead condensed them into a general "Notes" section: Plot, Pacing, Desriptions, POV, Characters, and Dialogue. Please let me know if you would like me to focus individually on the aforementioned categories, and I would be happy to send another email.


Notes and Thoughts
Hm... Very interesting dream! I really do wonder what it could mean. I know that outside influences can strongly affect dreams. A lot of mine tend to be affected by the last thing I ate, or how much caffeine I had that day.

Whatever the reasons for your dream-- I think this could be a great basis for a longer story. It holds tons of suspense, and great potential for a much more "creepy" story. (I do not know if that was intentional, but I got the feeling that this dream was somewhat creepy, what with all of the unexplained phenomena going on, and the silent priests and pairs of men.) I especially liked the way the dream/story ended: left me hanging! If you ever decide to create a story from this dream, and post it here on WDC, please feel free to let me know so I can read and review it! *Smile*

I liked the descriptions of the hall and the characters within it. However, I did think that all of the descriptions sounded a bit forced, as if one was reciting the descriptions instead of painting a picture for readers. This "forced" nature made it a little harder for the scene to be portrayed in my head.

Technicals
*Pencil* In the second paragraph, you begin referring to the priests in the singular form, but then switch to the plural form. For example, take a look at the following sentence, where the singular will be underlined and the plural italicized: Standing in front of each of the metal doors is an elderly man with a well kempt beard that reaches to their chest. I would suggest keeping the pattern uniform throughout the paragraph, as well as throughout the descriptions in the rest of the story.
*Pencil* They wear floor length white robs. I believe you meant to use the word robes here.
*Pencil* The following are incomplete sentences: All dressed in black shoes, with gold square buckles. .... Closing the hatch and declaring, "Transgression is in session! .... Until all that is left is the second metal door.
*Pencil* One each egg is inside, the priest closes the metal door and positions himself in front of the portal.
*Pencil* I believe that the underlined word within Down the line of priest this ceremonious action repeats. should be in the plural form.
*Pencil* Silence looms in the chamber as the priests chant, "Transgression is in session."
*Pencil* The underlined verb within An explosion of black clouds shove the third priest should instead be shoves to ensure that the verb matches the noun ("explosion shoves"). The same goes for the following sentences: Light burst from the edges of the second metal door and Flinging open the door, light burst into the open vast chamber, bathing eveyone in golden white.
*Pencil* The seventh portal explodes black clouds pushing the priest. I thought this sentence was awkwardly worded.
*Pencil* Randomly, each portal gushes the black clouds in a large din.
*Pencil* The hall fell eerily silent. Your verb tense shifts here.
*Pencil* The other priests gather behind the second priest, all jostling in anticipation of what is to be revealed.



If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to ask.

If you ever rewrite/revise/revisit this, feel free to let me know! I am always willing to re-read or re-review.

Write on!
- Sara


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Cupadraig~The Remote Country Author Icon! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "Prompt#1: A New DayOpen in new Window., as part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please note that this review is only my opinion.



First Thoughts
Very intriguing brief description. I immediately found myself curious to see where exactly this story would lead.

What an intriguing first paragraph! You did a really great job creating the feel of the story, and dragging me completely into it. Your wonderful images really helped to paint the picture of the scene in my mind as I read.

Plot, Pacing, and Descriptions
I thought you did a really good job with the pacing for this story. It picked up very well at the moment when the main character took matters into his own hands (sorry for being vague here, but I did not want to spoil anything for anyone who might be reading this review; let me know in an email if you want me to clarify further). Side note on the pace change here (aka my actual notes while reading this part)
The only pacing I thought could use another look at was the end of the story. It seemed a little abrupt - as if all of the action had led to a standstill, if that makes any sense. I did love the last sentence you chose to end the story with, but the preceding sentences in that paragraph seemed to deflate its power somewhat.

Excellent descriptions! I had no trouble picturing the story in my head. It felt as if I was right there, watching it all happen. Superb job! *ThumbsUpL*

POV, Characters, and Dialogue
Even though your main character here was not given a name, I empathized with him almost instantaneously. Yes, one might not condone some (or all) of his actions - but you captured the spirit of a trapped man (or, dare I say, a caged animal) in such a powerful way that it was nigh impossible not to empathize with the main character. I think the key in this empathy was the way you introduced him in the very beginning- staring off at the sunrise somewhat desperately, almost hopefully. *ThumbsUpL*

Favorite Lines or Phrases
*Burstv* My last day in this world. Very powerful opening sentence!
*BurstV* I hold on as my head is yanked back, my arms stretched to their length.

Suggestions/Notes
Along with the brief description, I also read the genres before diving into this short story. I was very curious to see how Fantasy would be incorporated into the story. Upon finishing my reading, I found myself confused as to the Fantasy element within the story. If I missed it, my apologies (and please do point it out to me, sometimes I can be rather oblivious). However, if Fantasy is not actually present within the story, I would suggest using a more relevant genre. Some examples can include Dark or Crime.

Technicals
*Pencil* I believe the semi-colon within the sentence I want to crawl through the iron bars and leap into the sky; fly free and far from my captors should instead be a comma, since the second phrase it is separating is not a complete thought.
*Pencil* I suggest adding commas in the following places: "Time's up, monster. .... I grip the window harder, knowing what's coming next. .... "Too late to fight now, beast. .... This time I push off the wall with my right leg, turning as I do.
*Pencil* Before I've make made contact
*Pencil* I use one knife to permanently silence two voices, one key among many to escape my chain and all come with me to the door. I thought the last part of this sentence sounded very awkward.
*Pencil* The unmade bed in a corner has me guessing this is where the jailer slept. This sentence made me pause. Why exactly did this clue the main character into this belief? I could see how the rest of the descriptions could work, but I do not believe there was enough context (at least for readers) to reach the same conclusion as the main character did here.



If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to email me!

Write on!
- Sara



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of My Dear Brother  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Fran 🌈🧜‍♀️ Author Icon! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "My Dear BrotherOpen in new Window., as part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please note that this review is only my opinion.



First Thoughts
I loved this short story's brief item description. I am fascinated with all things psychological, and I immediately got the feeling that I would enjoy reading this piece. The first three paragraphs also did their job of really pulling me into the story - I was sucked into Andrew's life, and needed to learn more.

On a side note: When I first realized that this piece was categorized under "Biographical," I wasn't too sure if I felt comfortable enough proceeding to review this story. I find I am most comfortable reviewing strictly fiction pieces; I get nervous reviewing autobiographical or biographical pieces, due to the personal nature of such pieces. However, I am glad that I read this piece anyway. It was very strong and conveyed a lot of meaning in under 700 words.

Plot, Pacing, and Descriptions
I think you did a phenomenal job of describing the difficulties surrounding Andrew's own life (or his perceived difficulties, really) and the difficulties that arise when tiptoeing around Andrew's feelings. You portrayed both sides of Andrew's "problems" very well, and with a good measure of sensitivity. *CheckG*

POV, Characters, and Dialogue
I found myself very drawn to Andrew's character. As I have mentioned previously, anything psychological really draws in my interest. I would have loved to have learned some more about Andrew. If you are ever up to it, I really think a piece told from Andrew's point of view could be extremely powerful. (And if you ever do write such a piece, let me know! I'd love to read it.)

A little note about the dialogue: Your (the main character's) dialogue at the end, although pretty powerful, did read a little awkwardly (i.e. it sounded a bit forced and not natural when read out loud). I liked the wording and the messages portrayed, but I would suggest making the dialogue sound more natural.

Favorite Lines or Phrases
*BurstV* a funny kettle of fish - I had never heard this phrase before! I loved it. Great image.
*BurstV* a degree in Chinese Medicine - Oooh, fascinating!
*BurstV* an inability to cope with the reality of life
*BurstV* Overwhelming paranoia screams in his head
*BurstV* All the while I shook my head, all the while I was saddened. I loved the symmetry in this line.
*BurstV* None came, only the shadow of dark clouds rolled in.
*BurstV* he has yet to return - what a way to end this story. Readers are left hanging with their emotions in a scramble. (I do hope you someday reunite with your brother.)

Suggestions
*Bulbp* The following phrase left me wanting more information: while I have been successful in most things I attempt. I would have liked to read a bit about these successes.
*BulbP* I would have loved to learn more about the "conspiracies" Andrew reads and believes in (although this might work better if told from Andrew's point of view).

Technicals
*Pencil* I noticed your verb tense shifted a few times within this story. (If you want exact instances of these shifts, let me know.)
*Pencil* Unable to deal with authority, jobs are extremely hard to get or Andrew, let alone keep. The underlined part of this sentence is a dangling modifier. Placed the way it is, this phrase is describing jobs, instead of Andrew.
*Pencil* The comma within terrifying, scowl is unnecessary.
*Pencil* I believe the semi-colon within how hard his life was; how tragic his circumstances should instead be a comma, while the comma within I shook my head, all the while should instead be a semi-colon.
*Pencil* Make sure that the beginning word of all dialogue is capitalized.
*Pencil* Separate these two paragraphs with another line: "My dear brother, we had the same parents" .... "You had more love than I"
*Pencil* The comma at the end of "You had more love than I, that is undeniable," should instead be a period.
*Pencil* No words came from my dear brothers mouth. The underlined word should be in the possessive form.
*Pencil* I believe the underlined word within "My dear brother, I will stay this only once," should instead be say.



If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to email me!

I also offer in-depth line-by-line edits, which you may request through email.

Write on!
- Sara


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, QPdoll is Grateful Author Icon! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "A Walk Down the AisleOpen in new Window., as part of my lessons for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. Please note that this review is only my opinion.


First Thoughts
I loved the brief description of this short story. It told a lot in only 4 words. After reading the story, I saw how perfectly this description worked to tie together the meaning behind the story, and to serve as an apt description of the plot without giving anything away. Great job!

Plot, Pacing, and Descriptions
I loved the premise of this story. You managed to beautifully convey a short snippet of an important milestone in a woman's life without making it seem overly long or drawn out. Although the action and time-frame of this story did not last long, you did a good job managing the pacing of not only the actions but the descriptions as well.

There were some moments that I thought could have benefited from either more descriptions, or a clarification of the descriptions used. Here is a list, with some accompanying notes, of those moments:
*BulletV* You mentioned Janet's wedding guests in the very first sentence, and I found myself wondering what they looked like. I was also wondering if all of the descriptions in the first paragraph were describing things Janet was seeing through the small rectangular window (if so, I would suggest clarifying that a bit).
*BulletV* They had been friends since high school, and played on the basketball team. I found myself wondering if this information was necessary or relevant to the story.
*BulletV* She looked beautiful, yet, her eyes were huge, and she didn't move. I wondered why Beth seemed to be frozen in place. At first, I thought perhaps she herself was in love with Michael, and therefore objected to the marriage taking place (this thought of mine was largely due to the fact that the description of Beth reminded me strongly of a deer caught in headlights) - but then Beth was never mentioned again, so the reason behind her large eyes and immobility remained a mystery throughout the story.
*BulletV* The following two sentences contain information/descriptions that are told, rather than shown: She stood out in the crowd because she was the only one in the wedding party with light-colored hair.... She always followed her big sister around wanting to do everything she did, including marriage. She had just started college and was encouraged to focus on school rather than a relationship. Along these same lines: Instead of stating the background information regarding Janet and Andrea, you can have Janet reminisce on a memory of Halloweens with Andrea. This would still provide a background for readers on their relationship while painting more of an image.
*BulletV* I suggest introducing the "Christmas theme" of the wedding a bit earlier in Janet's description of the sanctuary.
*BulletV* Her father quietly walked up and hugged her softly. I had gotten the impression that Janet was alone in the room leading into the sanctuary.
*BulletV* You stated that The last bridesmaid took her place, yet no other description was given of her. I found myself wondering who this bridesmaid was, especially since everyone else in the bridal/groom party had been described.
*BulletV* The description of Janet's gown felt a little out of place where it sat in the story. This could just be me, but I thought it could have been placed before the action started to happen, or it could have been worded more into the action.

POV, Characters, and Dialogue
Although Janet was the main character of this short story, I did not begin learning very much about her until almost the end. I rather liked this approach that you used, however. I was able to learn a little about her through the scenes and people she described, and then she really took on character once the action started.

I liked that there was no dialogue in this story. Everything between Janet and her father was said through their actions - which I thought was much more effective than any dialogue could have been.

Suggestions and Overall Thoughts
Overall, I thought this story was powerful in its relative simplicity and lack of dialogue. The actions and descriptions worked well to keep the story going. There were a few descriptions that could use a bit of sprucing up (mentioned above), but other than that you created an interesting piece with interesting chess pieces. Well done. *Checkv*

Favorite Lines and Phrases
*BulletV* One ending, one beginning.
*BulletV* I really liked the description of Michael's outfit, his black, double-breasted, shawl-style tuxedo. It created a vivid image without sounding like a description straight from a catalog.
*BulletV* He pressed his other hand to hers, winked, and shot her an encouraging smile.
*BulletV* together they began the end of her first journey
*BulletV* With every step she took, her heart beat faster, her hands shook harder, and her lips quivered uncontrollably.
*BulletV* Faces were everywhere, but she didn't see them.

Technicals
*Pencil* In the first sentence (Janet faced one side of the closed doors to the sanctuary, but could see all of their guests...) you mention "their" guests, but only one character (Janet) had been introduced in the very beginning, so I would suggest replacing "their" with either her or the.
*Pencil* I would recommend deleting the commas within the following sections, as they only create an unnecessary pause and disrupt the flow of their respective sentences: on the other side, through the small, rectangle windows .... three enormous, stained glass .... with cushions, hand-made .... yet, her eyes were huge, and she didn't move .... short-sleeved, red, A-line dresses .... except, not double-breasted .... his beautiful, green eyes .... Her long, white, satin gown.
*Pencil* He frequently clasped and unclasped his hands - I believe the word repeatedly could work better here to portray the image.
*Pencil* The underlined verb within He was in Michael's place should instead be the past perfect tense had been.
*Pencil* If she didn't concentrate, she would loose the rhythym: should instead be lose.



If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to email me!

I also offer in-depth line-by-line edits, which you may request through email.

Write on!



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "God Knows and Sees All.Open in new Window.. Please note that this review is only my opinion.


First Thoughts
This is a touching story of perseverance from sorrow through a strong belief in God, and the strength that belief can bring. Although I am not personally a religious person, through this piece I can fully understand how one might be saved through a powerful religious belief.

Suggestions
I really liked that you ended almost every paragraph with the repeating phrase and title sentence God knows and sees all. I would strongly recommend ending the first paragraph with this sentence again, or simply combining this paragraph with the one that follows. The continuity of this sentence is very strong, and a more uniform appearance throughout would help to solidify its message further.

I thought this story could be expanded somewhat, especially in the areas concerning the death of the main character's son. For example, the line God can comfort where there is pain, but as I grew older, I still could not understand why this tragedy had occurred is strong, but can be made much more powerful. Yes, God can save and bring one out of sorrow, but there is still conflict there, still a lack of understanding, still a lost child. This story can be brought to even greater levels if you dwell some more on the many conflicts that can arise when a mother loses a child. The beginning of this story relies on the saving power of God, and I believe a heavier reliance on the how could really help if you decide to focus some more on the mother's loss. (Another great sentence that touches upon this issue, but that can also be expanded, is Then I realized that faith would give all, and I would no longer have pain.)

I was a bit confused as to what happened to the mother's second son. There was a brief mention of the son becoming sick, but his ultimate fate, or the effect his sickness had on the mother, was never given to me as the reader.

Technicals
I would recommend that you keep your spacing the same throughout the story, i.e. spacing between paragraphs.

I noticed a tendency to jump between different verb tenses, particularly the present, past, and past perfect tenses. (If you would like me to point out specific instances in which these tense jumps occur, I can include that in a line-by-line email edit.)

My family could never answer the question of why. I thought this sentence read a little awkwardly, and could be rephrased. This also pertains to this sentence as well: I could see the light again with a book grasped in my hand, and my long-past friends and family were there.

The following is not a full sentence: For it is his commandments and other laws man must follow. I was also wondering what the "other laws" are?

I didn't understand the transition between these two sentences: I had a content look on my face. God gave us his Ten Commandments and made a nation for man.

I found myself in paradise; beautiful mountains abounding, and gigantic waterfalls. The semi-colon is used improperly in this sentence. I would recommend changing it to a comma, and deleting the comma already within that sentence, so it reads like this: I found myself in paradise, beautiful mountains abounding and gigantic waterfalls.



Overall, I greatly enjoyed reading your story. If you should ever choose to go back to this piece and revise/lengthen it, please let me know! I would be happy to come back and re-review it.

If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to email me!

I also offer in-depth line-by-line edits, which you may request through email.

Write on!
- Sara


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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