Hello, QPdoll is Grateful ! My name is Sara, and I am here to review your piece, "A Walk Down the Aisle" , as part of my lessons for "Invalid Item" . Please note that this review is only my opinion.
First Thoughts
I loved the brief description of this short story. It told a lot in only 4 words. After reading the story, I saw how perfectly this description worked to tie together the meaning behind the story, and to serve as an apt description of the plot without giving anything away. Great job!
Plot, Pacing, and Descriptions
I loved the premise of this story. You managed to beautifully convey a short snippet of an important milestone in a woman's life without making it seem overly long or drawn out. Although the action and time-frame of this story did not last long, you did a good job managing the pacing of not only the actions but the descriptions as well.
There were some moments that I thought could have benefited from either more descriptions, or a clarification of the descriptions used. Here is a list, with some accompanying notes, of those moments:
You mentioned Janet's wedding guests in the very first sentence, and I found myself wondering what they looked like. I was also wondering if all of the descriptions in the first paragraph were describing things Janet was seeing through the small rectangular window (if so, I would suggest clarifying that a bit).
They had been friends since high school, and played on the basketball team. I found myself wondering if this information was necessary or relevant to the story.
She looked beautiful, yet, her eyes were huge, and she didn't move. I wondered why Beth seemed to be frozen in place. At first, I thought perhaps she herself was in love with Michael, and therefore objected to the marriage taking place (this thought of mine was largely due to the fact that the description of Beth reminded me strongly of a deer caught in headlights) - but then Beth was never mentioned again, so the reason behind her large eyes and immobility remained a mystery throughout the story.
The following two sentences contain information/descriptions that are told, rather than shown: She stood out in the crowd because she was the only one in the wedding party with light-colored hair.... She always followed her big sister around wanting to do everything she did, including marriage. She had just started college and was encouraged to focus on school rather than a relationship. Along these same lines: Instead of stating the background information regarding Janet and Andrea, you can have Janet reminisce on a memory of Halloweens with Andrea. This would still provide a background for readers on their relationship while painting more of an image.
I suggest introducing the "Christmas theme" of the wedding a bit earlier in Janet's description of the sanctuary.
Her father quietly walked up and hugged her softly. I had gotten the impression that Janet was alone in the room leading into the sanctuary.
You stated that The last bridesmaid took her place, yet no other description was given of her. I found myself wondering who this bridesmaid was, especially since everyone else in the bridal/groom party had been described.
The description of Janet's gown felt a little out of place where it sat in the story. This could just be me, but I thought it could have been placed before the action started to happen, or it could have been worded more into the action.
POV, Characters, and Dialogue
Although Janet was the main character of this short story, I did not begin learning very much about her until almost the end. I rather liked this approach that you used, however. I was able to learn a little about her through the scenes and people she described, and then she really took on character once the action started.
I liked that there was no dialogue in this story. Everything between Janet and her father was said through their actions - which I thought was much more effective than any dialogue could have been.
Suggestions and Overall Thoughts
Overall, I thought this story was powerful in its relative simplicity and lack of dialogue. The actions and descriptions worked well to keep the story going. There were a few descriptions that could use a bit of sprucing up (mentioned above), but other than that you created an interesting piece with interesting chess pieces. Well done.
Favorite Lines and Phrases
One ending, one beginning.
I really liked the description of Michael's outfit, his black, double-breasted, shawl-style tuxedo. It created a vivid image without sounding like a description straight from a catalog.
He pressed his other hand to hers, winked, and shot her an encouraging smile.
together they began the end of her first journey
With every step she took, her heart beat faster, her hands shook harder, and her lips quivered uncontrollably.
Faces were everywhere, but she didn't see them.
Technicals
In the first sentence (Janet faced one side of the closed doors to the sanctuary, but could see all of their guests...) you mention "their" guests, but only one character (Janet) had been introduced in the very beginning, so I would suggest replacing "their" with either her or the.
I would recommend deleting the commas within the following sections, as they only create an unnecessary pause and disrupt the flow of their respective sentences: on the other side, through the small, rectangle windows .... three enormous, stained glass .... with cushions, hand-made .... yet, her eyes were huge, and she didn't move .... short-sleeved, red, A-line dresses .... except, not double-breasted .... his beautiful, green eyes .... Her long, white, satin gown.
He frequently clasped and unclasped his hands - I believe the word repeatedly could work better here to portray the image.
The underlined verb within He was in Michael's place should instead be the past perfect tense had been.
If she didn't concentrate, she would loose the rhythym: should instead be lose.
If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do not hesitate to email me!
I also offer in-depth line-by-line edits, which you may request through email.
Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |