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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sunshineminney
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2 Public Reviews Given
2 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by SunshineMine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Gunny,
I would like to start by saying that I really like this piece! You are very good at calling forth images. Your detail is great. The flow is good as well even though you are writing "a slice". There are a few moments of confustion, when I wondered if you were writing a memory, or as if you were back in time, living it again. The mention of the bat's sonar is something that seems too advanced for the time period you are portraying, however, I don't know if that was actually taught to someone that young during the period. It just threw me off a bit. So overall, I felt you did a great job portraying a scene which is what you were attempting to do. The suggestion I could give you would be to look carefully at your tense and how you want to portray this scene, as someone looking back, remembering, or as a child in that time, currently living it. Great job! Sincerely, sunshineminney
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Review of Love's Token  Open in new Window.
Review by SunshineMine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I felt this poem was in general, well written. My favorite line which flows very smoothly was "My new heart broken, bleeding, in pain, But better than choking on a rusted chain." NICE. The imagery was clear for 90% of your poem. That being said, I felt lost at the third pair and I wasn't sure where you were going with it. There was some confusion from the change of tense in the fourth pair. You definitely portrayed emotion well. I'm not sure I would have included the infant. I'd love to see this only slightly reworked!
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