Oh my! This is wonderful! The images set of a kind of moment that feels like a relieved "ah" rather than the usual "aha" moment, but it really works well for me as a reader.
I really like this. For me as a reader, this flows more like the lyrics of a modern praise and worship Christian song than like a poem. I think the song like quality really makes the repetition within this work well for me as a reader.
Thanks for sharing this.
This starts out in a kind of mundane way with a lot of telling rather than ""showing", with the meandering thought of the protagonist gradually focusing on what his dilemma is....The effect is very chilling for me as a reader.
In the last sentence of the first paragraph, as a reader I stumbled over the structure of the sentence. The way it is written now, I don't think you need the comma. The sentence feels crisper to me if you keep the comma and delete the word "to"
In the last sentence of the 4 th paragraph, a comma before "hmmm" would help me as a reader.
Thanks for sharing this. Very early in the poem, I found myself kind of parallel processing the "clutter" in your poem versus the clutter in my own life.
For me as a reader, I felt a kind of dissonance due to the dramatic change in line length/rhythm between the stanza 1 and stanza 2--yet as I pondered this, I found that in a way this makes me feel "clutter" on a concrete visual level, which complements the content of your poem.
The only thing that I found distracting as a reader were the commas after "It is possible"....I don't think you need them for the lines to work....
This poem is very good. The images paint such a vivid image of your internal world experience with psychosis.
The rhymes feel very integrated into your poem--they really fit, versus some poems where the author appears to make the poem make the rhymes fit.
This poem reminds me of an artist--I think her name was Grandma Leighton--she drew and drew pictures of herself and her experience of deep depression until she found more and more relief in her art. I am also reminded of a young woman in a writer's group whose writing helped her endure a depressive psychosis.
Keep writing...your work is inspiring to others (like this reader)...and my wish for you is that the hope your 'art' of writing gives to fortunate readers like myself will grow in you as you write and write....
Thanks so much for sharing this...
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