I found your request on The Request Review page and thought it would be fun to review someone I haven't yet read. Today's your lucky day. I offer this review as my humble opinion and hope you find some useful comments.
You describe this as a work in progess and I've tried my best to keep that in mind while reviewing.
TECHNICAL MERIT:
FORMAT & PRESENTATION: While I appreciate the larger font you use, you may want to consider your choice of font. I don't know why, but I struggled to read a serious story in bubble letters. LISTINGS & TITLE: I thought your use of the keywords were appropriate and you adhered to 13+ rating. I would suggest a change from "work in progress" to "finished rough draft" in your description. "WIP" might imply it's incomplete and many people shy away from unfinished items. The title suits the story well. HINT: A great title will attract more readers. WRITING: I'm sure during your rewrites you will adress the switching tenses and sentence structure as well as the odd spelling mistake.
CREATIVITY: When writing a traditional storyline
Dad leaves family, just mom & daughter, mom & daughter fight, mom & daughter unite.
you may want to free yourself to be more creative in the words you use to tell the story.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: This was an enjoyable read which made me feel a bit warm and fuzzy.
I think Karen was real and I could connect to her and part of her problem. I feel you aged Bobby well with the use of some great memories.
SUGGESTIONS:
Try to increase the "showing" and do less "telling". For example..."She was happy and smiling came natural. Try... Her constant, toothless smile could only be worn by a happy child. It's allright to not like my words but I think you get the idea.
Try to decrease the number of times you use "so" and "well"
"I divorced him for the second time within the last year because he had started drinking again after a born-again experience and a year of sobriety. If he hadn’t been sober and born-again, our previous separation would have led to divorce, but we all gave the marriage and family one last chance." Really? I'm just questioning the timing. So there was a divorce, a remarriage, a separation, a reunion, a divorce all in two years?
I think it's a fabulous story in progress. Because it is unfinished, I leave the rating at 3.0. I would love the opportunity to read it again when you're done. I'm sure the rating will jump.
FAVOURITE PART: Tommy is a jokester.
I hope you continue to share such warm stories.
Sweets.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ...and good things happen!!
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Stumbled across your story and thought I'd share a thought or two. Magnificent tale but you could improve the way you tell it. I see a lot of potential here.
TECHNICAL MERIT: Some minor problems here but I think you'd catch the punctuation problems if you were to proofread carefully. Also, be careful with your plurals and possessives.
CREATIVITY: Outstanding!! Some striking descriptions.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: As I said previously, I love your story idea... it's the actual writing which needs polishing. With a little bit of tweaking, I think this could be a brilliant piece.
SUGGESTIONS:
Don't be too wordy. With short stories, every word needs to contribute to the story. For example, how is this as an alternative to your sentence #2... After inhaling deeply and a momentary pause, Sarah exhaled the smoke in ... You've already told us Sarah is smoking. I don't feel you need to be so specific in your description. It's cool if you don't like my words as long as you get the point I'm attempting to make.
I would love to see your language be as creative as your story. You have some great descriptions here and there but between those passages, the words are dull. You start "telling" rather than "showing" the story. "The social service people came and took Jane away two day’s after Ms. Blakely’s phone call, and three weeks after Jane had given her mother the ashtray." I bet you could add some emotion to this sentence.
FAVOURITE PART: "half smoked, home rolled cigarette" This sentence told me a lot about Sarah and set the tone for the story.
Still wondering why only a 3.5? With a little more work, I feel it could be wonderful. I'll confess I'm measuring it against what I think it could be.
If you do any rewriting, I'll love to reread!
Sweets.
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Call me Sweets. I'm pleased to meet you. I have also entered "Invalid Item" . I'm getting a head start on my reviews. Following is review one of two.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE: The poem immediately triggered a memory of camping on the lake shore, drinking my coffee and Bailey's as I watched the sunset.
RHYTHM: A bit tricky but I don't read a lot of poetry. I found the flow the second time through it.
VOICE OF READER: In my mind I see these as the words of an "old soul" comforted by the sun. Almost like she is saying good night but knows the magic will happen again.
IS IT FINISHED?: Yes, in a wonderful way.
WRITING STYLE:Hmmm.... I don't know the technicalities of poetry however I enjoy poems which don't rhyme. Your line breaks seem appropriate. I'm not sure if any punctuation is required.
CLICHE: While sunsets are common inspiration for poems, your imagery is original.
GLARING GRAMMAR/SPELLING ERRORS: I didn't see any.
FAVOURITE PART: Lines 4 and 5 read together. I feel comforted by the words.
Nicely done. I'm not a fan of poetry but desperately trying to broaden my horizons. This poem was easy to enjoy.
Keep creating,
Sweets
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I'm glad to see you entered "Invalid Item" . Here's my first of two. No, there was no particular reason for choosing this poem.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE: I felt warm and fuzzy and hoped he got the girl.
RHYTHM: Nice timing, easy to read. I heard lyrics more than a poem. I don't know why but it seems musical.
VOICE OF READER: These are the words of a man pining to be loved bye a woman.
IS IT FINISHED?: Yes and no. While the piece has ended nicely, I want to know how "she" answered.
WRITING STYLE: I think you adhered to the ABAB pattern. I'm not sure if there's a name for breaking the rythm, like you did in the second last paragraph, but it seems appropriate.
CLICHE: While there is nothing cliche in the poem, it does tell the story of "boy wants girl". This topic has been done over and over again. I'd like to suggest you try a bit more creative language to make your poem stand apart from the others.
GLARING GRAMMAR/SPELLING ERRORS: None that jumped out at me.
FAVOURITE PART:
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I'm doing my reviews for "Invalid Item" and you are at the top of the list.
First my disclaimer... I don't truly know much about poetry; what I can give you is my personal opinion.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE: I did connect with the emotion of the piece. I think you successfully conveyed the hurt we feel when we care for someone more than they care for us.
RHYTHM: I found the piece easy to read. Line breaks and punctuation did their job.
VOICE OF READER: I feel this is the story of a scorned lover, a woman. I feel like she is trying to cleanse herself of an affair gone bad.
IS IT FINISHED?: Yes. It closed nicely implying she would try hard to free herself of his hold.
WRITING STYLE: I'm not too familiar with the technical aspects of poetry. I believe this is prose. It was a nice presentation of a sentimental rant.
CLICHE: When writing about a topic that hundreds have written about before, the challenge is to convey a sentiment with original writing. There is nothing that grabbed my attention. I would have liked to see some more creative language/imagery used.
GLARING GRAMMAR/SPELLING ERRORS: No glaring errors.
FAVOURITE PART: "without the fear of your shadow, haunting my every move." It shows me she'll be okay.
Good luck with all your writing, and the contest
Sweets.
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I heard you were looking for reviews. I'm always happy to oblige when it comes to short stories.
TECHNICAL MERIT: <story length: 1403 words>
The writing is technically acceptable but a little dull. I feel you are trying to tell me a story rather than show me. Be careful with the word "that. You use it often and it is not always necessary. I believe you should look at the structure of some sentences.
While appropriate, the title is weak and may fail to draw in readers.
CREATIVITY: I enjoyed the comeback of the evolved dragons. This is the first time I have heard dragons described as you do. Kudos! The storyline is rather original.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I enjoyed your ideas, however your writing style somewhat detracts from the story.
SUGGESTIONS:
Check your grammar. "...adapt to the changes in earth.... I think IN should be ON.
Review your punctuation, especially the use of commas.
Be careful of repetitive words. For example, the word cave appears 5 times in 6 sentences in the third last paragraph.
Try and add some excitement to the writing. What are the trees like on the mountainside? How is the eagle soaring through the sky? I'd like to know more about the wings. "thick skin and cartilage" is a dull description.
FAVOURITE PART: The idea of a "Soul Friend"
This has the potential to be a wonderful story. If you continue to rewrite and polish the piece, I'm sure you'll find the diamond in the rough.
Sweets.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ...and good things happen!!
Please come sign my autograph book:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1227477 by Not Available.
I enjoyed the story. It reminds me of many adventures I had as a child; I grew up with a lot of boys. They were always upto something.
TECHNICAL MERIT: <story length: 598 words>
The writing is strong. There are a few mistakes with punctuation but nothing which takes away from the piece. The title is suitable but something more creative may draw more readers to the story.
CREATIVITY: It is wonderful. You worked the prompts into the story, seemingly without effort. Sibling rivalry is a fun topic and you managed to make this story original.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: Good story, pleasant read. I enjoyed enough I will wander over to your port and check out other writing. I enjoyed being curious regarding the identity of the narrator. You tickled my curiousity when "they all walked home together".
SUGGESTIONS:
There are some issues with your punctuation, the comma, in particular which may trip up the reader. For example, near the end, I don't believe you need the first comma after "...her brother, Ray,..." . It is "her brother Ray, who liked..."
FAVOURITE PART: "In all the years I have been watching them compete, I have never once heard them vying for who was the smartest." A great observation about the activities of young boys.
Well done!
Sweets.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ...and good things happen!!
Please come sign my autograph book:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1227477 by Not Available.
Not only a well written article, but EXTREMELY helpful. I have printed this piece and put it in my reference guide for future help.
I appreciated the breakdown of the six hints; well presented. Your examples are relevant and easy to understand. Within each section, your illustration reinforces your point and the improvement in the sentences are noticeable.
Including your references was excellent.
If I had to make one suggestion, it would be to try to bring your article to a better close. For myself, the article abruptly ended, signalled by the presence of the Bibliography.
I enjoyed the prologue. I'm glad you asked for the review.
TECHNICAL MERIT: Pretty strong. You should review your use of "its" and "it's" or the errors might be typos. If you check a dictionary, I believe there the correct spelling is millennia. So many of us forget the second "n". In a proofread, there are a couple minor typos I'm sure you will find on your own.
CREATIVITY: Your imagination must have been in overdrive to create this incredible history. I enjoyed the evolution of your worlds and their characters. You managed to write about the bloodlines without making the tale boring. You have a monster vocabulary using words I don't see often however, you keep it easy to read.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: It's a great start and intrigued me enough to want to read the story. Fantasy is not my usual genre of choice so this a compliment.
SUGGESTIONS:
I did experience some confusion where Leigh becomes Amar and another Leigh is born. I'm sure you have a reason for using the same names for different characters but be careful not to lose the reader.
You refer to "assimiliation". I'm not really who was assimilated into what.
"...plans of his own in that time. One of them was to plant.." Did Ravek become a group of people? Saying "One of them..." leads me to believe there is more than one Ravek. Did I miss something?
"Two of the five were delivered twin sons." This reads as if there are now four sons. I now what you mean but I'm not sure you delivered the message.
FAVOURITE PART: The twist in the beginning, how Leigh survives. I don't want to ruin it for anybody who reads.
With a bit of polishing and tweaking this will make a fine opening to your trilogy. I will be watching for more.
Sweets.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ...and good things happen!!
CJ: A humourous and informative article. I took the liberty of circulating it among some dog loving friends.
The title drew me in. Doesn't everybody want to know why men wear black socks?
You balanced a lot of information with the right amount of comedy. You wrote in a way that appeals to the masses yet the article does not appear to be "dummied down".
I was impressed enough to check out your website; not because I care about my lawn but I wanted to see other things you have posted.
This piece has great potential. Please keep in mind these comments are based on my opinions only and reflect my personal tastes.
You do a marvelous job at setting the scene. It's a wonderful description of the surroundings.
For myself, I would like to sense more emotion. I feel like you are painting a picture, rather than telling a story. Help me understand you characters a little bit more.
You write conversation well. There are a few formatting errors, but I think that it a matter of getting used to WDC. No glaring typos or consistent grammatical errors.
Add some emotion and you have the makings of a great tale!
You have masterfully morphed rather helpful hints into humourous tidbits for other's enjoyment. As an aspiring writer, I appreciate each and everyone of your narratives.
FAVOURITE PART: The name of the professor.
SUGGESTIONS: None!
ENDING: Strong. I'd like to see what you could do with the outline for the Poetry course :)
Very imaginative and pleasure to read. I'm always in search of quality humour and this fits the bill nicely. I'm anxious to poke in your port :)
Hi Paddy: This Christmas tale does not disappoint!! As you are rewarding a generour amount of GPs, I've deduced you would like as much feedback as possible.
It is a wonderful story I will share with the children in my life. You managed to write the story for children without "dumbing it down" for them.
COMMENTS:
"...One day in November, Dad lifted him up ever so gently and put him carefully on an old rug in the cart and took him away. They never saw him again. That night, Dad sat them down by the fire and explained that Sheppey had died and gone to play with all his doggy friends up in Heaven..." I'm not sure if the bolded sentence fits here. For myself, it infers the dog disappeared without explanation. We know this is not so.
"...It was quite a big clearing except for a single tree, a not very nice looking tree left in the middle..." May I suggest you consider a comma before the word left.
In the eighth paragraph I would suggest the use of 'round or around.
I believe the correct spelling is New Year's Eve.
"Suddenly like magic, the bags lifted up like they were floating..." maybe another comma after suddenly.
FAVOURITE PART: So many.... let's start with the fact the fairy is male. LOVE IT! I also enjoyed the names of each of your characters.
My preference is ending number two.
I hope my feedback helps you in some way.
Sweets.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ...and good things happen!
Ellis: Elegant job of writing about tragic subject matter.
Spelling and grammar are strong. The main character is very well developed and the story line flowed. I would re-examine the rating (maybe ASR)but I know that is subjective. I felt the emotional pull of the title.
I hope there is more to come.
Sweets
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Try to increase the "showing" and do less "telling". For example..."She was happy and smiling came natural. Try... Her constant, toothless smile could only be worn by a happy child. It's allright to not like my words but I think you get the idea.
"...One day in November, Dad lifted him up ever so gently and put him carefully on an old rug in the cart and took him away. They never saw him again. That night, Dad sat them down by the fire and explained that Sheppey had died and gone to play with all his doggy friends up in Heaven..." I'm not sure if the bolded sentence fits here. For myself, it infers the dog disappeared without explanation. We know this is not so.
"...It was quite a big clearing except for a single tree, a not very nice looking tree left in the middle..." May I suggest you consider a comma before the word left.