excellent story. only critique that i really have is in the first section "His fingers tapped one million miles a minute" you might consider changing it to "His fingers tapped a million miles a minute" and it will flow better. Otherwise, great flow and story telling.
Par 35: … was that she had not studies the Roman… studies s/b studied
Par 37: … for their trip in the afterlife. s/b trip into the afterlife; They and all fought… s/b They had all fought
Par 39: you, General
Par 41: course, General; woman s/b women
Par 42: pillageing s/b pillaging
Par 43: Thank you, General
Par 45: God s/b god
Par 46: tales s/b tails
Par 53: … as she fondly named it… named s/b called; burry s/b bury
Par 59: front s/b from; A change s/b a change
Par 63: her right leg, were it as held… s/b her right leg, where it was held
Par 64: on to s/b onto
My main concern with this story line is the believability that an 18 year old girl can become a Roman General in 3 years. Especially since I believe she would have spent the majority of that trying to find Rae so that they could figure a way to get home again. The story was very well written though and very creative in the descriptions, but I think that you have strayed too far off of the track of where you headed in the “Who I Was” series (which is phenomenal). Congrats, and I hope that others appreciate your writing as much as I do. Please let me know when the next installment comes out!
Par 3: …state, f she was escalated (s/b if she was …)
Par 4: fourth floor
Par 11: loose s/b lose
Par 17: togethere s/b together
Par 20: black, his, was well as … s/b … black, his, as well as…
Par 28: breifly s/b briefly; she head to keep… s/b She had to keep…; Mcgehee s/b McGehee
Par 29: McGehee; Good needs a , after it
Par 30: 4 should be spelled four
The only other concern I had, is why is Torrance not more concerned about her children, one on the third floor and one on the fourth. Seems to me that she would want to move them to the safest possible place if nothing else, have Mary get them out of the building. I came away feeling that she was more concerned for Chad and her employees and that goes against all of my mothering instincts. I liked the story okay, I didn’t love it. I like the HS story much better (except for the Rome thing, which is a bit of a stretch for me).
Par 9: …, they had bough all of the… should be bought; …she had a feeling the Lorr would… the should be that
Par 11: …that she be carried, now. The comma should be a semi-colon “;”
Par 12: shouldn’t the dog assigned to Tyr have already been with him in the vehicle, while Torrance takes Lorr to the SUV?
Par 13: you might want to check the laws in the state where this takes place, but generally children have to be four or have their knees at the edge of a seat before they can be moved to a booster seat. Three is really pushing believability. Also, if Lorr is under one year old, she will need to be in a rear-facing car seat (nationwide), so bear that in mind, also.
Par 15: at least
Par 17: …Chad’s office today ok baby. s/b okay, baby? ; …from Chad in arental roles… s/b parental roles
Par 18: non-existent; Orange County; California; …avoid the freeway. s/b avoid them (so you are repeating the word freeway twice in the sentence); costal road s/b Coastal Road
Par 21: contractors (needs a lower c); Secret Service needs a “;” after it instead of a comma; However, needs a comma
Par 22: quite s/b quiet; baby needs a “;” after it instead of a comma
Par 23: loose s/b lose; check in s/b check-in
Par 25: needs a comma after However
Par 29: tentively s/b tentatively
Par 33: at least needs a space (last sentence)
Par 37: …vocal, however her babbles… s/b …vocal; however, her babbles…
Par 39: Armoni s/b Armani; sence s/b sense
Par 41: god s/b God
Par 43: third sentence s/b capitalized
Par 48: course s/b lower case; 3 should be spelled out
Par 49: heavy-set
Par 51: The benefits were great, so their (s/b there) was always…
Par 56: There as (s/b was) a …
Par 58: Yes (needs a comma)
Par 59: remove along from third sentence
Par 62: I love you’s s/b “I love you” with quotes and no ‘s’
Par 64: soldieresk s/b soldieresque; She could almost here (s/b hear) Chad…
Par 65: …watched the reactions for (s/b of) the men…; comma after however; …we are looking at atleast another 60… s/b we are looking at a minimum of another 60… ; personel s/b personal
Par 67: loose s/b lose; …knew this, however some… s/b …knew this; however, some…; up-and-coming
Par 70: “Peter, Please… please should be lower case
Let me start by saying that I LOVE where this is going. The few problems i saw are grammatical mainly.
par 1: Home Room should be homeroom
par 13: She was of a little taller... the of should be removed.
... instead toned tight muscles,... needs a comma between toned and tight
par 18: Bad Ass should have quotation marks around it
par 28: Lynsey was stuck with a sudden moment... stuck should be struck
par 51: ...enough gustoto fit... gusto and to need a space between them
par 52: ...but the Mr. Jordan... the needs to be then
par 57: ... but she still needed place for them... after needed add something like "to find a"
par 59: "I am not wearing the damn... the should be this
par 64: The school set on five... the word is should be before set
par 73: com'on should be c'mon
par 75: ...was the Donovan... the should be that
par 76: ... but he was one of the best... need to add also after was
par 82: spell out 2 and 4
par 83: no-holds-barred, add a comma after Sure
par 84: loose should be lose
uot should be out
par 85: ofthe needs a space. Okay, in reading here, i need to point out that the character Sandler keeps flipping between Sandler and Sadler in several places along the way, this is the first.
...watched the blood spray down his face... needs shoot or something after spray
par 95: comma after the first "Baby... and i would remove the sentence "I know that we wanted... " as it is unnecessary and doesn't flow.
par 110: factely should be factly
par 111: Sandler/Sadler
par 113: ...than it will not be use that failed... use should be us
par 121: ...office was quite, almost... quite should be quiet
par 123: thought should be through; golly should be jolly
par 124: "Good morning Mrs. Davinport." needs a comma after morning
par 130: Co-ed
par 134: f***in needs to be f***in'
par 142: equip should be equipped; twenty four should be twenty-four
par 144: amour should be armoire; control should be controlled; ...had small clientele.. needs "a" after had
par 145: amour should be armoire
par 147: ok should be okay
par 148: hansom should be handsome in both instances
par 149: Na should be Nah; and the last line it says she needed to book some plane tickets, but she had stated earlier that she had the plane tickets booked (par 57) and just needed to secure a room and car rental.
if i missed anything else, it is simply because the story was wonderful. i have started reading the next section and i will point out that switching from third person to first person confused me, so you may want to rethink that. Hope this helps.
I knew my boyfriend had volunteered to help and was probably already waiting, but this morning was simply just to (***too***) comforting.
“What(***,***) you don’t believe me? Is that it?”
Something was going on and I needed (***to***)find out (***what it was***).
I, Gracie Manu’ette Regale, may (***remove can not***) can not notice many things, but I do notice tear stains.
“Hello Ms. Regale. I’m here to ask you a few questions.” not sure, but my best friends mother always called me by my first name.
“Well…It’s a possibility isn’t (***it***)?”
“No it isn’t! I was… am (***these should probably be reversed, as in she says she is, then realizes her mistake and corrects since her bf is no longer alive***) her best friend and she didn’t commit suicide!”
“No”, I cut her off (***remove the space between off and the comma***),
I didn’t really care what she said, told, or asked because I know in my soul that Krystal Kane was not (***you might consider changing "was not" into "had not been" because of tense) suicidal, and I was going to prove it.
I liked the story. very true to some cases that I am aware of. Mrs. Maria Cane referred to Grace as Ms. Regale, and that didn't sit well with me either as a parent or as a woman that has been in therapy post-divorce. Therapists tend to try to lull you into a false sense of security. Mrs. Cane comes off as very abrupt and uncaring which conflicts with her wanting to know more about Krystals death. You just might want to reconsider that aspect. I look forward to reading the next installment.
I understand your frustration and I am a single working mother, so i definitely understand about budgeting. On a writing aspect, the article needs some tweaking. you misspelled lazey (sp: lazy). in the very next sentence: We work they spend, you need a comma between the two points. My recommendation is to write your points in Microsoft Word. Word will automatically spellcheck your work and do simple grammatical revisions.
Anyway, writing is all about saying what you need to say, and I hope that your piece helped you. If you are interested in family and parental articles, check out my portfolio as that is my expertise. Thanks!
Since you wanted a review, here is the best that i can offer, bearing in mind that I am not a fiction writer.
on this line: "He, she is still out there. Don't ask me how I know, I just feel it in my gut."
Maybe writing "They are still out there..." would have been more appropriate, since it was already determined that there was more than one person. Plus, it sounds more like something one would say.
The other thing that REALLY bothered me was this:
"Be thankful they're both there for you," Grabowski said, without thinking. Mulroy glanced up at him questioningly, and he had to turn back to looking at the files or risk his friend seeing the embarrassment there. He hadn't meant to say it aloud, but he had anyway. At least the detective had a family to return to, somebody who would notice if he was missing.
The reason being that this led me to believe the the main character was alone in life, alot like the victim. So, when the wife entered the scene, it stopped flowing for me.
One last thing, and I will stop. This sentence didn't really flow for me: The detective had offered to get him dried off somewhere but he'd refused.
Something along the lines of: The detective had offered a place for Grabowski to dry off, but he'd refused.
Anyway, i enjoyed the story. It had a good basis and needs some work, but it is a smart and swift read.
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