Hello! I'm here in regards to the review that you requested. Because this is a request and not just a fly-by review, I'm going to crack down a little more. Please don't think this is because your story has a lot of errors, because it certainly isn't. I'm simply going over some things I normally wouldn't, because I want this review to be as helpful as possible for you. :)
OVERALL VIEW:
The basis of your short story and the character arcs you created were lovely. I've loved the theme of self-redemption and the way you played it out. Your main character was fairly easy to interpret. Well done!
TO WORK ON:
1. Paragraphing is very important! You must begin a new paragraph when...
--- a new person speaks (dialogue)
--- a new topic is introduced
--- when the focus changes
This will make your story a lot easier for readers to comprehend! In novels and most physical works the paragraph would be set off only by an indention, but writing.com doesn't allow these for some reason, so you'll probably have to double space each paragraph.
2. There were a few misplaced commas and run-on sentences that need to be fixed to avoid confusion.
(The above are a little more mandatory, but the things I mention below are simply ways I'm suggesting to help you improve.)
I feel like you could have used a little more vivid and exact nouns, adjectives, and verbs to really bring out the powerful message in your story. That, and I feel like the story was a little bit rushed. Don't be afraid to make your short story a little less short if it means a better result! When it comes to this, I could have really used a more present and in-depth scene for Ariana's death, and a deep, heart-to-heart discussion between Mackenzie and Jake. Show the struggle of the entire family in little ways, because Mackenzie isn't the only one who has lost a loved one.
As for making your writing as vivid as you can, I can't really give you a set way to fix anything, because there's nothing to fix, only upgrade, if you know what I mean. I would highly suggest the following:
Whenever you finish writing a paragraph, give it a quick read-over. (This especially helps if you read it aloud!) If it sounds awkward on your tongue in any way, it probably sounds awkward in the readers head.
Fiddle! Rewrite, try new words, try new phrases, basically tweak and play around piece by piece with your work until it's exactly what you want it to be. It will slow down the writing process a little, but the end result will be so worth it. After all, writing isn't about speed, but quality.
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Great work! You obviously have a passion and a knack for writing, and I can tell you're going places. I hope this review was helpful. If there's anything you'd like me to clarify, don't be afraid to shoot me a response. I don't ask for any payment for that, as it's all part of the review. Keep writing!  |
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