I like what you've written, Luanne. For me at least, your opening needs a little smoothing, perhaps a little polish, but as it moves past the mid point, the flow impressively improves.
Too, beyond your pretty eyes, sweet nature and high GPA, you have an amazing gift: A perceptive soul that somehow finds just the right words to relate your life's wisdom effectively to others. If you're like me, often you find yourself writing mostly for emotional catharsis, and yet, simply by the sharing, others will befefit. So, by all means, keep writing.
What's up with this? As a Christian, familiar with the Bible, after having reviewed your piece, now I want to take up golf???
You crack me up! How incredibly clever! Forever, I will probably think Pokeman when I see Philemon (and I'm a church secretary, so that'll happen a lot more to me than you'd probably think). And I LOVED your comment about your "divot-marked ego". Terriffic description! What a hoot!
Thanks for making the difficulties of YOUR journey all light for me. I really love to laugh!
No criticism. Thanks for a terrific read that was picturesque and fun!
Way to Go! You are one incredibly gifted word-smith! I especially loved the line, "Remember, life is short for those who have lost touch with paradise," -- how true! Yet throughout, your symbolism is dynamic, right on the mark, and beautifully picturesque. You sure packed a lot of punch into this small poetic package: "Life is Short"
Interesting... This was a lot like keeping company with a child, who would then morp quickly here and there into an adult, feeling overall content with the resolve he'd found. Each child-like question became a thread, each thread in a systematic sequence, then, effectively woven in.
You write great dialogue, and I was impressed by the smoothness of most of your transitions. Too, your dad-to-son description of heart massage started the movie projector in my head: I could see it too... I noticed a couple'a typos here and there, but mostly ...interesting...
Your "time" concept for God really captivated my imagination. A day as thousands of years for one who is eternal... yes, I agree. And it's truly mind-boggling! But the idea that there is no difference, then, between past, present and future -- that God already knows the future, that it's already a done-deal? Honestly, I don't think so... Rather, I think the future's still future; that outcomes may be probable, but that life is full of surprises -- that they're not yet defined. Those are just my thoughts, though, and not a part of the review -- they're just for the sharing.
Overall, I enjoyed this read. In fact, I liked it a lot!
How natural you are with words! How beautifully innocent you write! I picked this one because I, too, share your love of snow. --The carnival excitement churning in my stomach as it begins to accumulate, then even more as the wind picks up and twirls it around...
I loved hearing about your kids in warm socks and fuzzy pj's, and you adding hot cocoa to the celebration breakfast menu. I totally zoned-in to your recollections as well as my own.
What an exhilarating small slice of life! It felt good just reading this. I sing in the car to the radio or to favorite CD's, too, thus I can relate in a major, major way to all the effervescence and joy you've found.
No criticsm, though I wonder why you used lower case throughout. Nomatter -- I loved it!
I wasn't expecting the ending, and I loved it! You've written such a wonderful tribute!
I have no criticism. Found no flaws, not even any typos. From me, all you'll hear is applause.
Years ago, while living in Wisconsin, I took a creative writing course, and on the first day was surprised to find that more than half the class was made up of senior citizens. Wisconsin state tax uded to pick up much of the tuition bills for residents seeking higher education. As I looked around the room I was impressed by people, who during their youth, had to give up their dreams during the great depression just to eek out a living and help their families get by, who then were pursuing their lifelong interests with great passion. Their life stories -- their overall character -- was amazing!
Sounds like your Dad was one of these. How rich you must feel --
I'm not usually much on fiction, but I just LOVE what you wrote! You caught me with your redundant use of phrases describing Dave, then held my attention by carefully weaving this mystery so skillfully written that it could well have been real. I love the true to life dialogue; the way your characters seemed to flow and interact very naturally. I gotta tell you -- I kept getting called away from the computer by work schedules and the triage of family demands such that this wound up being a 2-day read, but I KEPT COMING BACK because I wanted to know what happened next. That almost never happens with me!
I noticed a coupl'a small typos. For instance, after Dave meets the little girl, and then Cindy is making a return to his apartment, you wrote: "As she approached the apt. bldg. she seen red and blue flashing lights. Shouldn't "seen" be "saw"? And where you described an "emergency worker", I probably would have switched that out for EMT/whatever. It's such a little thing, but for me it kinda put a glitch in the overall fantastic flow.
Otherwise: SUPERB! Kudo's galore! Your characters are believable, your plot spellbinding... I think you have a masterpiece on your hands!
I loved your poem, Zion, and I gotta tell you, I could find ZERO fault with it.
It especially meant a lot to me tonight. A very good friend of mine lost her 4 year old grandson in a tragic accident over the weekend. We went to the wake late this afternoon and it was just crushing! I've never seen a child in a casket before... Everything, everyone there was so stunned, and silent, and bleary, and bleak.
I came home so incredibly sad; so downhearted. Your poem, though, kinda lit a small candle of hope for me and rekindled some healthy perspective. Even if I'm not ready to "be there" yet -- even if the tragedy is still so strong that pain lingers, and even if your message doesn't adequately address the total inequity, nor all the haunting "why" questions, yet it does serve to remind me that even when I don't and can't have all the answers, I do know who does. And that I can still trust Him. EVEN NOW.
Thanks! I guess what I'm trying to say is, your words lightened the load for me and brought some real comfort!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HAHA! That was PHENOMENAL! How very cute! How clever! Who could deny you five stars on this one?
I don't know you, Tocal Girl, but you got an ornry little kid kick'n around inside you somewhere. You got spunk and you've got talent. Give up that job and cruise through life from behind your keyboard. You NEED to keep writing!
You gotta keep writing! You've just gotta make the time because you have the gift. You said you're a college student, right? Yet you're wise for your years.
In your lyrics I hear weariness and pain, and this odd blend of angst and hope. And I see a tired smile. Hang in there... Life is HARD, but the magical sporadic moments that happen every now and then keep it worth the living.
Okay, Marilyn C. (and fellow Newbie: Welcome!), is this like a fragment?, some part of something bigger because it leaves me wanting more. You're descriptions are written well, well enough in fact to provide a powerful lure, holding my interest, wetting my appetite, but it ends too soon and I am left wanting...
I have a similar piece in my portfolio: "Growing Pains." It's destined be part of something bigger; but right now I just have no idea what.
I don't know; maybe a few minor tweaks here and there to polish the flow, but your message is right-on, and I couldn't agree more.
I'm a Newbie at this, but I wrote something with a bit similar message: "Misunderstood..." You see, I'm pro-life, so a part of my article addresses the life validation I feel for people unborn, but most of my works content validates yours. Maybe you could take a quick look-see?
I think God -- nomatter the denominational discipline we subscribe to -- is the threading, the invisible basket weave moving through and between us, binding us all. Just my thoughts.
Thank your for writing this. It's GOOD! And it made me think. --Teresa
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