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Review of A Fine Line  Open in new Window.
Review by Tanzenlicht Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I stopped the line by line and I'll keep going if you want but I have an overall criticism I think I should share first.

In a first person story you have an excellent chance to really give your characters a particular voice. None of them are really striking me as having particular personalities based on the narration.

I'm not saying they're soulless automatons because they have personalities, in their speech and actions, but you're telling the story from inside their heads. Stacy's head should be a scarier place. She's a suicidal, self-centered, drama queen. Take advantage of this.

Same thing with the boys. Brett hates Doug, narration around Doug should reflect this. Brett loves Stacy, her brown hair shouldn't be thick. It should be shining sable locks or something. Ok, maybe not.

Right now this is a good story. I'm pleased that Doug got Brett, because Stacy doesn't deserve him. I'm not sure what Doug did to deserve such punishment but it seems to make him happy.

I think it could be an even better story if you got a little deeper into the characters heads. Stacy's crazy, Doug's in love and poor Brett is just confused. Make us feel it.
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