An extremely well written story with a moral point too boot! I am assuming this might be intended as a children's story, although I could be mistaken. It was a great read nonetheless. I enjoyed the symbolism of the name "Toyle" and the moral of the story as well.
Specific suggestions:
A minor point: sometimes you switched from past to present tense, such as here: "The Wichts, too, know something of the value of things. They created ...". I would just suggest for consistency to stick with one or the other.
"...with which the man lead..." should be 'led' here.
I really enjoyed your poem; it has an upbeat tempo and a great storyline. I enjoyed your rhyme scheme too here (a dying art in my opinion) but it would make it much easier to read if you used four lines per stanza.
Specific comments:
"...changed overmuch" much seems to fit better here than overmuch.
Great story, it kept my interest all the way through. I definitely like the first person narrative; it added a lot of flavor to the story. Like this line"Now in case ya ain't never heard of Uriah Johnson 'cause you was raised under a rock or somethin', the story goes somethin' like this..." I really enjoyed this line from the main character. Lots of flavor! The only comment I have is that the dialect was consistent, but it did detract a bit from the story for me. great job!
I was going to skip this, but the description of your story really intrigued me. I am glad I read this piece, such a good description of the difference between personalities (I would be more specific but this is going on the public review page...). Wonderful ending to the story too!
Some suggestions:
It might be easier to read if you separated the paragraphs when using dialogue. Somtimes I had to reread the dialogue two or three times to figure out who was speaking.
In the next to last paragraph you switch to present tense. For consistency, past tense might be better.
I like the idea of your piece, but I became disengaged with the connections you were making between the lighting of the house and the activities involved. It just seemed to be a stretch. Also, the back and forth from present to past tense throughout the story was unsettling. However, this was extremely well written.
Specific comments:
"...not loose one pea..." should be lose, not loose.
I am sorry, but this poem really did not do it for me. Your use of adjectives was at first welcoming, but I think they were overused throughout the poem. A lot of vivid pictures, but not enough action. I also became confused with the third stanza; it did not seem to fit with the idea of the poem and felt as if you used it to fill up space. The only portion of that stanza dealing with the main theme was the mention of the kettle. However, your word choices are outstanding and it was a well written piece.
Wonderful, wonderful poem. Such are the joys of writing and reading! I love the use of literary figures in your poem; it drives home the point you make of the pleasures one can find within a story book or in writing a story for others to enjoy. Great job Kathie!
A well written and interesting piece of work on vampires. I like the twist that takes this away from mainstream ideals of vampires and puts the main character in a human light with human emotions. The ending was abrupt, but amusing.
Specific comments:
A very minor point but I though that this read a bit awkward; "...go as far as to call it a handicap." Maybe 'so far as' instead?
"...for dorritos..." Doritos is misspelled.
"...young vampire." Another minor point, but for consistency, you capitalize Vampire in some sections, but not others. You may want to make this consistent.
Vampire cowboy...love it!
"...on tv while..." TV should be capitalized.
"...been looking for for so..." delete the extra 'for'.
Hello, I am one of the reviewers for the second round of the Proclaimed creature contest.
This was a nice story focused on mermen. I really liked reading your dialogue, it was realistic. I think that your depiction of mermen was quite accurate. Thanks for sharing. There are quite a few typos that you should address.
Speicific comments:
"...walking along, alone, the beach..." this would read better as "walking alone along the beach.
"...into it’s easy routine" its should not be possessive.
"...what had happen..." happened, not happen.
"...younger then my..." than, not then.
"...became to strong..." too, not to.
"...propelling threw the water." through, not threw.
"...ventured to far..." too, not to.
"...and awkward..." and an...
"...broken threw the sudden..." through, not threw. And here, "...stumbled threw the words". And here, "...slipping threw the water".
Hello, I am one of the judges for the second round of The Proclaimed Creature contest.
Thank you for entering the contest. I could feel your character's anger in this piece. A good job of penning emotion. This was a very dark and sad short story. There was not much to go on for the mermaid, although you did allude to it. Thanks again for sharing.
Hello, I am one of the reviewers for the Proclaimed Creature contest.
I really love your descriptive writing, great job. This was a nice short story. I really liked your ending, poor Vernon. I would have liked a bit more depth of the mermaid (or man since we did not know the sex of the creature). This would be great as a longer story so that the reader could really get into it. I was already intrigued by Vernon and his new occupation, and would have liked to follow him a bit more. But the ending really was outstanding. Thanks for sharing this.
Hello, I am one of your judges for The Proclaimed Creature contest.
I liked your writing style, although some of the dialogue was a bit choppy and I found some parts hard to believe. Also, I was wondering where the Between was and who was the voice IId was speaking to. It was an interesting story, however, I did not really feel that the phoenix stood out. It was interesting that you embodied the Phoenix as a man while in the Between, so that it had man-like thoughts and characteristics. Thank you for proofing your writing! I did not see any misspellings or grammatical errors. And thank you for sharing this work with us.
I really enjoy this contest and your entry was also enjoyable, although a bit pessimistic. It did meet the requirements, however. I could not find any spelling errors. Well done!
Specific comments:
"..on highway..." I think this would read better as on the highway.
Very cute little poem about christmas.I really enjoyed your rhyming and meter, whether or not it was intentional. Specifically the third line of the first stanza. The meter was perfect in that line. I kept saying it over and over. Great job on this work and keep on wiriting!
Interesting response to a question a lot of homeowners have. Some of the intended jokes were lost on me, such as "...where Einstein’s Theory of Things That Don’t Move...". Your writing is good though and I did not find any spelling mistakes. Keep writing!
Specific comments:
"...ft2" you should say square feet here since ft2 does not accurately represent square feet.
Great comedic story (at least I hope so). I love your puns in the story. Wonderful ending. Your writing flowed superbly throughout this story and it kept me very interested. I could find no grammatical or spelling errors. Very well done. Keep on writing!
Absolutely wonderful poem. Your writing is very strong and purposeful. I greatly enjoyed reading your work.
"And living separateness" I was confused by this line. Would it sound better (and accurately represent your intended meaning ) if you used separately instead of separateness?
Wonderful point behind your poem. Very well written. The only part that made me stumble was, "Do not turn them away pleading an excuse poor." It was a very awkward line it what was a very easy to read poem. I know that the point of this line is extremely important, and that was why you stuck with the word "poor", but I did stumble over it. I am sorry that I do not have any suggestions of how to fix it...I could not come up with any. Thanks for sharing this though!!
Awesomely funny!! Great writing, great word choices. I loved your descriptions. I laughed my way through your poem. Why does Taco Bell always get a bad rap!! :) I am glad that you had a warning on the item description for those who are faint of heart and I am surprised by the rating of your work. It was much better written than the majority of writings I have read. Just for this you get a 5.0!!
Thank you for sharing your life story with us. It takes a lot of strength to do that.
I noticed that you tend to not use the possessive when appropriate. I just wanted to let you know so that you may be aware of it in your future writing. A second thing, when you get to the point in the story with the German doctor, the dialogue was quite heavy and this made the section hard to read. I would suggest lightening up on the accent. I also had rabies shots, fortunately this was soon after the shots were given in the arm. I have heard though that the shots back then were VERY painful. Good that you got them, though, just in case. I was confused by the ending. Again, I think it takes a lot of courage to share one's personal experiences, but I could not follow where you wanted to take me. Your story went from one thought to another without closure.
My specific comments are below. There were numerous grammatical and spelling errors which you may want to address. Thank you so much for sharing.
Specific comments:
"...her parents eyes..." parents' should be possessive here.
"...hard headed German..." hard-headed.
"...as yesterdays coffee..." yesterday's is possessive.
"...baby sitting..." babysitting is one word.
"...brother in laws..." brother-in-law's.
"Bear in mind what..." this would sound much better as "Bear in mind that what"
"...understand is that..." is should be deleted.
"...Max and mine..." Max and I.
"...daughters hand..." daughter's is possessive here.
"...twenty one..." twenty-one.
"There were a number..." was, not were.
"...parents and I" me, not I.
"...justice of the peace..." Justice of the Peace.
"...this hustlers demands..." hustler's is possessive.
"...young mans' ability..." man's here, not mans'.
"...Max's' bother Max Jr.'s..." I was really confused here. I think that you meant "...Max's brother, Max Jr.'s...". But I could be wrong.
"Duchess unconditional..." Duchess'.
"...tail waging..." wagging, not waging.
"...crowed parked..." crowded, not crowed.
"My mother in law..." mother-in-law. And again here, "...my mother in law started..." I saw this a couple other times so you should just go through the writing and find them.
"...people in dressed..." in should be deleted here.
A very descriptive and accurate portrayal of the rattlesnake.
My specific comments are below. These are just my suggestions.
"...lethally potent rattlesnake" I think that this would read better as "potently lethal".
"...maul..." I question the use of maul here. Maul means to beat, bruise, or mangle, none of which accurately describes the attack by a rattlesnake. I would suggest the word "strike".
Interesting story about friendship. Keep working on your writing and it will get better. I thought that your dialogue was good. My comments are listed below.
Specific comments:
"It seemed all the..." it would read much better if you included the word "that" after "seemed". I noticed that you do not use the word "that" very often and it actually detracts from your writing, making it awkward and sometimes difficult to read.
..., flat chested, nun esconsed..." flat-chested needs a hyphen and ensconced is misspelled.
"...and adolscent..." adolescent is misspelled.
"...of her revelry" revelry means celebration which does not fit at all with your story. I think that you meant reverie.
A very well-written rant about the news. I do not agree with some of your points, but they were well stated. There were a few grammatical errors which I point out below. Keep on writing.
Specific comments:
"...After all who..." you need a comma after the word "all"
"...for you an..." you need the word "and" after you.
"The 200 hundred..." this is redundant.
"The stations reaction..." station's is possessive here.
"...Street who's son..." whose, not who's
"...her sons' killer..." son's beacuse there was only one.
Very cute, but some of the words are a bit difficult for the subject matter. For example, the word "whence" is not a commonly used word for the intended age range. I liked this though. Keep on writing!
Specific comments:
"...this parents' idea..." since parents' is plural, it should be these, not this.
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